The Shinobi Bachelor
by Cardboard Bike
Summary: The Elders want Kakashi to produce a heir to his bloodline, so Tsunade sets up a competition for him to find his soulmate.
1. Chapter 1

**Day One.**

"Ah, Kakashi, just the person I wanted to see," Tsunade said, giving the jōnin a hearty pat on the back and almost making him stumble.

Kakashi scowled, but most of the effect was lost in the mask that perpetually covered the bottom half of his face. "You ordered me to come here."

"That I did, that I did," she said cheerfully, wandering around behind her desk and sitting down. "Now, I have an extra-special mission for you."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. The way she said it set off all his warning bells, and somehow he didn't think that the mission being 'extra-special' meant it was an S-rank.

"I'm classifying it as an S-rank," she announced, forcing him to take back his thoughts, "And I will not accept failure. Is this clear?"

"What is the mission, Tsunade-sama?" he asked shortly. He may be completely loyal to his village, but he wasn't _stupid._ And there was no way he was going to agree to something that she was hedging around explaining clearly. It was probably a mission to settle a bet in her favour or something. He hoped it didn't involve his mask.

"You, my friend," she said, beaming, "Are going to be a father."

Kakashi's eyes widened, and he did the only thing any self-respecting ninja would do in his position. He whipped out a kunai, and stabbed himself in the arm. He swore as he watched the blood drip down to his wrist. Apparently he wasn't dreaming.

On to the next viable option, then. He brought his hands together and whispered, "Kai." Nothing happened.

Tsunade stared at him in alarm. "Perhaps that wasn't the best wording," she mumbled. "Kakashi," she said a little louder, "You haven't gotten anyone pregnant, as far as I'm aware."

Kakashi glared at her. "Then why would you say that?"

"What I mean was that the Elders have decided you _need_ to be a father, to continue your bloodline. Because you haven't yet decided to start a family, they wish to force you into one."

"Oh, no." Kakashi shook his head forcefully, and took a step back. "No more Hatake's. I can't raise a child. I don't _want_ one."

"Yes, we've figured out that you would be unable to raise a child on your own. That is why we've gone to great lengths to help you find your soulmate so you can reproduce as soon as possible. She will be able to take care of the brat for you while you are away on missions," Tsunade said calmly.

Kakashi stared at her in disbelief. "You want me to find a girlfriend, get married and have a child? How long are you giving me for this?"

"A week," Tsunade said, grinning at him. "It shouldn't be too hard. We've set everything up for you, there are eight willing participants."

"Participants?" Only the mask stopped Kakashi's mouth from falling open.

Tsunade nodded sagely. "Yes, participants. I saw it on civilian TV one time. You're the 'Bachelor' and girls fight it out to be your girlfriend, and at the end of the time allotted you pick one to marry. We picked kunoichi that we thought were compatible with you, and then asked them to come on the show. Everyone will be watching it, it should be fun."

Kakashi's eye narrowed dangerously. "Fun? You intend to bet on who I'm going to choose, don't you?"

"Of course!" Tsunade smiled happily at him.

"I refuse," he said flatly.

Tsunade sighed. "I thought you were going to say that, so I'll tell you this: you will not receive any missions at all until you complete this one which, by the way, you will get paid for if you complete it successfully. The money can go towards your honeymoon."

Kakashi stood very still. He didn't really have a choice now. He would go crazy if he didn't have missions to go on, and Tsunade knew that and had exploited it, the crazy bitch. "Fine," he seethed, "Show me who I'm supposed to date."

Tsunade handed him a piece of paper gleefully. She didn't expect Kakashi to fall in line properly and actually marry and impregnate any of the candidates like the elders wanted him to, but she didn't really care about that. It was just fun watching the brat squirm.

"These cannot be people you think are 'compatible' with me," Kakashi said in disbelief. "Anko is certifiably crazy, and Hyūga Hinata is sixteen for Kami's sake. I am not going to have sex with a teenager."

Tsunade shrugged. "Well, her father insisted that she be included. He's probably right, from a purely logical point of view. A Hyūga-Hatake child would be a great asset to this village."

Kakashi rubbed his forehead tiredly. "What if I don't like any of them?" he asked, defeated.

"Then you make the best out of a bad situation," Tsunade said firmly. She softened her voice a little. "Look, brat, I know you're looking at this as something you don't want to do. But you're thirty, which means you're getting on in years, particularly for a shinobi of your status. So see it as a bit of fun. You might just find the girl you want to settle down with, you never know."

Kakashi personally couldn't see himself settling down with anyone, but he kept his mouth shut. The short silence that resulted made the following crash all the more noticeable, and three eyes swiveled to the door as a harried looking chūnin staggered in under the weight of a gigantic stack of papers. Unaware of the eyes on him the man dropped the stack on the Hokage's desk, brushing the strands of hair that had dared to stick to his face out of his eyes. "Apologies, Hokage-sama," he mumbled, "But I think I broke a vase."

Tsunade's eyes lit up as she focused on the man in front of her. "Iruka-sensei," she purred, ignoring what he'd said, "School has finished for the year, has it not?"

Iruka looked startled. If Kakashi hadn't been mourning his own unhappy predicament he would have felt sorry for the chūnin, because Tsunade had the same look in her eyes now as she'd had when detailing his unfortunate fate to him. "H-hai, Hokage-sama. I have a lot of mission room and paper work to do while I am not teaching."

Tsunade flapped a hand at him nonchalantly. "Someone else can do all that boring stuff. I have a new mission for you."

Kakashi coughed, trying to remind her that he was still in the room and he hadn't finished talking to her. She frowned at him. "This involves you too brat, so be patient."

Iruka glanced over and noticed him for the first time. "Uh, Hokage-sama? I'm a chūnin. I don't think I'd be capable of going on a mission that Hatake-san has been selected for."

Tsunade snorted and shook her head. "On no, not this mission. _This_ mission you were practically born for. You have all the qualities it needs." She ticked them off on her fingers. "One, you're nice, and everybody likes you. So you'd be able to handle being in the same room with Kakashi for long periods of time. And two, you're gay, which means you won't hit on all the girls and you must have splendid taste in fashion."

Kakashi looked at the chūnin curiously at the mention of the last point. He'd never considered that the mousy-looking-but-with-a-hot-temper man that looked after the missions desk would be interested in men. Though to tell the truth he'd never really thought about Iruka much at all.

Iruka had turned a fine shade of red and was pinching the bridge of his nose so hard it looked like it hurt. He knew better than to question his leader but this was personal. "Firstly, _how_ do you know what my sexuality is and secondly, why would it ever be important on a mission?"

Tsunade shrugged like it didn't really matter. "It's in your file. I'd have to say it's a shame though, Sensei. A lot of women would want to have you as their baby daddy. A lot more than those who want Kakashi over here."

Iruka stared at Kakashi, puzzled as to what the obvious jab was for. The jōnin stared back blankly, amused by the way his nose crinkled in his confusion. Eventually Iruka blushed and turned back to Tsunade, embarrassed that he'd just been staring down a senior trying to find answers for something that was none of his business. "What is this mission actually about, Tsunade-sama?" he asked politely.

"We're having a competition of sorts," Tsunade explained. "The winner of which will get Kakashi's hand in marriage."

Iruka glanced at the jōnin to see what he thought about this but he just slouched there looking as bored as ever. "But I don't want Hatake-san's hand in marriage," he protested.

Kakashi's eye widened slightly and Tsunade laughed. "_You're_ not a candidate, the ones working for his hand are all female. I want you to help organize the brat so that he gets to where he needs to be on time, and pick clothes for him so he looks decent for his dates. I am trusting your reliable instincts for this, Iruka-sensei."

"I… guess so?" Iruka glanced once more at Kakashi, wondering again what the silver-haired nin thought about all of this. It was definitely the weirdest mission he'd ever been ordered on.

"Good, it's all sorted then!" Tsunade clapped her hands and trust a sheaf of papers at Iruka. "Your mission starts now, you can go together." Neither of them moved. Tsunade shook her head at them irritably. "Off you go now, shoo."

Iruka walked slowly out of the room, staring at the file in his hands. What had he done to deserve this? He didn't know Kakashi all that well on a personal level, but from what Naruto said about him (and he said a _lot_) he was a lazy perverted bastard. Going by that and his own experience of the man his mission of getting Kakashi to go anywhere on time and dressed properly would be quite a difficult one. And given that it would all take place within the confines of Konoha it would probably be D ranked so he'd get minimal pay for it. He groaned without thinking.

Kakashi peered over his shoulder to look at the file. "There's no need for you to sound so put out by this," he said conversationally. "You're not the one who has to come out the other side with your soulmate and future all planned out." His voice was strangely devoid of emotion but the bitterness was clear in his words.

Iruka blushed and cursed that it happened so easily. He hadn't thought about it like that. As far as things stood between them he was getting off relatively easy. "I'm sorry, Hatake-san. I didn't realize you were opposed to this. You seemed so… relaxed in there."

Kakashi shrugged, easily keeping in step beside him. "Maa, there's not too much point getting all hyped up about something I can't change. Also, seeing as we're going to be living together for the next week you should probably call me Kakashi."

Iruka made a strangled sound. "Living together?"

Kakashi pointed to the file. "Apparently you, me, and all my possible future wives are going to be holed up in the Uchiha section of town for the next week or," he frowned over the paper, "Until I make my decision. Crap."

Iruka flipped a couple of pages only to verify that they were indeed expected to stay in the Uchiha compound. Something to do with 'privacy,' a word that made him nervous in these circumstances. A brown envelope was stapled to the last page with the words 'Kakashi's clothing fund' on the front. Iruka opened it to be confronted with more money than he could ever remember seeing at once. "This is more than I make in a month," he gasped.

Kakashi examined the envelope. "Then you're definitely underpaid," he remarked.

"Why would you need this much money for clothes, though?" Iruka wondered. "Don't you have anything suitable at all?"

"I find that my uniform is acceptable enough clothing for anything I do." Kakashi sighed. "But I'm guessing that Tsunade-baka wants me to wear something fancy."

Iruka grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop walking and spin around to face him. "You can't refer to our Hokage like that – hey, what happened to your arm?"

Kakashi looked down at his arm absently. "I can refer to our darling Hokage as whatever I want, considering what she's forcing me into. As for the arm, I got bitten by a shark."

"Ha-Kakashi-san, I'm serious." Iruka frowned. "Even if you won't tell me what happened, you need to do something about that wound."

Kakashi waved him off. "It's just a little scratch. I'd forgotten it was there, really."

Iruka growled, actually _growled_ like a dog, and swept the jōnin's sleeve up his arm past the wound without asking for permission. Kakashi almost jerked back at the touch. He couldn't remember the last time anyone had been so forward with him, as even the medical staff had a healthy fear of his abilities. They tended to hang back even when he was half-dead from chakra depletion.

The chūnin reached into a pocket of his flak jacket and pulled out a scroll, summoning a large box with it. "It's a first aid kit," he said to Kakashi's questioning glance. "Needed much too often when I make the stupid decision of combining pre-genin with sharp objects."

Kakashi nodded. He'd never heard of something like that being summoned, but it was logical in not only a classroom situation. It seemed the chūnin was resourceful as well as fearless. When the cut had been cleaned, gauzed and wrapped Iruka looked back at the mission file, returning the first aid kit to the scroll. "It looks like we're expected at the Uchiha compound at seven, and after that we're not allowed to leave. So we have," he squinted at the sun, "Around about six hours to get you suitable clothes for the week and pack up whatever stuff we need from home."

Kakashi let out a long-suffering sigh. "Do I _have_ to go shopping with you? I can just go home and you can pick me up at six fifty-five with whatever you want me to wear."

Iruka looked mildly offended. "Okay, maybe I'm just a paper-pushing chūnin and you're used to hanging around with more interesting and powerful people. But remember that I don't want to be doing this any more than you do. So the short answer is yes, you do have to go shopping with me. Otherwise I will pick out leather chaps and a cowboy hat and you'll be forced to wear them every night because Tsunade-sama will not let you wear your uniform."

Kakashi was stunned into submission.

**o0o**

In retrospect, he'd actually enjoyed shopping with the hot-tempered chūnin, if only because it was easy to get on his wick and make him either extremely mad or mortified.

"Sensei, do you think that girls prefer boxers, or briefs? Or maybe I could go commando," had worked particularly well, especially when he'd shaken his hips erotically. He was sure Iruka's blush had reached at least to his navel.

"I think I look sexy in tight briefs, they show off my package nicely," had gotten him dragged out of the store by his hair, Iruka muttering, "I hope they're so tight they cut off the circulation to your cock and it falls off."

"Oh such naughty words for a Sensei to say," he'd chided, waving his finger back and forth. Iruka just fumed at him.

On some level he'd known that he was on his way to seriously upsetting the chūnin, but on another he couldn't stop. Technically this was his last day of freedom, and being a complete dickwad made him feel slightly less doomed.

He may have gone a bit far in Haruko's Formal Wear by sitting through an hour of fitting for a formal kimono before telling the chūnin that he didn't need one because he still had his father's, and then forcing the poor man to get his own, choosing one off the rack in purple because "Hey, you're gay, right? And purple is a pretty damn gay colour."

Okay, so he definitely shouldn't have been forcing his unhappiness out on the chūnin. He was only trying to do his job after all, and before that he'd been doing pretty well with putting up with all the shit Kakashi handed to him. He'd been sending him wry, half-amused smiles all day and verbally sparring back almost as good as he got. But the look he gave at that comment was a mixture of anger and unhappiness, but mostly disappointment.

Iruka had taken the kimono from him anyway and disappeared to try it on without a word. He'd come back with it on, and Kakashi had wanted to say that he was sorry, that he was just tired and frustrated, but he couldn't because he'd never said it to anyone before and he didn't know how to now. Instead he whispered, "It suits you," because it did, although the sleeves were a little long. He couldn't help but think that the deep purple would make the near-permanent blush on the chūnin's cheeks all the more rosier.

Iruka had just given him a small, tight smile that was all sarcasm and no warmth and said, "Because I'm gay, right? Purple's my colour."

Kakashi found he missed the warmth. He could do nothing but shake his head in answer, a movement Iruka didn't see because he was talking to the sales clerk about pinning up the sleeves.

**o0o**

They'd gone to Iruka's pace next, to collect his stuff. He had a lot of stuff, and a lot of photos. He'd shoved clothes into his bag quickly and messily, as if he wanted Kakashi in his apartment for as little amount of time as possible. Kakashi searched diligently, but could not see photos of Iruka with anyone over the age of fifteen. It seemed that the man spent all of his time with children and that, along with the fact that the packet of condoms in the drawer beside his bed was still sealed (he wasn't _snooping,_ he was merely checking out who he was dealing with) gave Kakashi enough reason to believe that he didn't have a boyfriend. That fact made him feel a bit better, for reasons he wasn't quite certain of.

"Are you done snooping around all my stuff?" Iruka asked, but the tone wasn't mad, as he'd expected it to be. Instead the younger man sounded resigned. "We're going to your place now. You'll have to tell me where it is."

He felt slightly nervous letting the chūnin into his home. He wasn't exactly anti-social, at least in more recent years, but his home was still a Kakashi-only space. Friends were for public places. But Iruka only stood patiently in the middle of his lounge-cum-kitchen without commenting. Somehow he knew that if he hadn't offended the man earlier he would have said something to make the air between them less awkward but it wasn't going to happen now.

He collected his father's black kimono from the chest in the bottom of his wardrobe, smoothing it out and blowing away the dust. He hadn't looked at it since he'd last seen the elder Hatake wearing it, some twenty-odd years ago. The kimono would give him memories to think about that, although less than pleasant, were more attractive than the ones living in the Uchiha compound would give him. He gritted his teeth. What was Tsunade thinking? He didn't need to be reminded of how he'd failed Obito, or how he'd done even worse with Sasuke.

Then there was a hand on his shoulder, shaking him, and he whirled around to grip the wrist tightly. Iruka didn't look afraid as he'd expected, just weary and determined. "You need to hurry up, Kakashi-san. We have to be at the compound in less than half an hour and you still need to get dressed."

Kakashi nodded and placed the kimono carefully into his bag. He tried to think with the mentality that the sooner he got there the sooner it would all be over, but that didn't quite work when he knew he was required to leave with a life partner.

**o0o**

He'd never been inside the Uchiha compound before. He'd never had reason to. While the Uchiha's had still been alive they'd looked down on him for wielding a sharingan they assumed was stolen and when they were gone no-one went there. It was much bigger than he'd realized, and they'd obviously cleaned up, stringing up lights to make it look almost like a mini-festival.

Kakashi scowled under the mask. Tsunade must have been planning this for a while, but had only told him at the last minute to make sure he wouldn't bolt. Damn that sneaky old hag.

He resisted the urge to scratch his butt. He was wearing a suit, of all the god-awful things, and Iruka had had the nerve to look slightly more cheerful when tying up the tie for him. "It matches your sharingan," he'd said helpfully, and Kakashi resisted the urge to punch him out of jealousy. The chūnin was still wearing his nice, comfortable uniform whereas he was dressed up in a stiff, scratchy suit.

"I feel like a trained monkey," he whined, then snapped his mouth shut instantly. He didn't actually want Iruka to pity him, not that the chūnin would, considering how he'd been acting all day.

"Well, you're going to have to act like one soon, so get used to it," Iruka had said, tying a black silky thing in the place of his hitai-ate. It felt weird on his skin. Then he'd leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, "It's only a few hours, and then you can take it off and wear whatever you want. Sharingan no Kakashi should be able to do it, ne?"

He'd felt stupid for complaining. But now he was here and he was expected to choose the woman of his life from a short lineup. And there were cameras right up in his face. He'd never felt so nervous, or so uncomfortable. He wanted to run back to his little bland apartment and lock himself away alone for the rest of his life. That sounded a lot better than this.

"Hatake Kakashi, the man of the hour has arrived!" Tsunade was crowing, and he twisted around to ask Iruka what he was meant to do but the chūnin had deserted him. "He has seven days to choose one of these beautiful ladies to be his partner for life. Who will that lucky lady be? Place your bets now, and follow closely!"

She was standing on a new wooden stage – an obvious design of Tenzou's - with the eight Kunoichi she'd chosen standing in front of her. Kakashi shoved his hands in his pockets. Iruka hadn't let him wear his gloves or bring any weapons and he felt almost naked without them.

"Come up here, Kakashi," Tsunade was saying, and waving him forward with a wildly large hand gesture. As he got closer he could see why she was so exuberant about the whole deal. _Someone_ had obviously been into the Secret Sake Stash and may have become a little tipsy. "Ah, true love," she exclaimed, crushing him to her bosom. "You look so handsome, Kakashi-kun."

He tried to wriggle out of her grip with no result until a familiar gruff voice said, "Tsunade-sama, you need to save some for us. You're not actually in this competition."

_Shit._ Tsume? Inuzuka's and their inherent touchy-feely gene made him incredibly uncomfortable, and this situation was even worse. He felt like a tasty piece of meat being fought over by dogs and vowed that he would never again set foot inside a strip club.

Inuzuka Tsume's hair was as wild as usual, and she wore a more than slightly creepy grin on her face. The dress she was wearing was floor-length, but that didn't mean it was modest. The slit in the side of it went up past her waist and that was enough to tell she wasn't wearing anything underneath it.

"Tsunade-sama," Kakashi said, backing away slightly and only just managing to keep the panic out of his voice, "What am I supposed to be doing?"

"Enjoying yourself, brat!" She thumped him on the back so hard he thought he heard his teeth rattle. "You have fifteen minutes one-on-one with each woman from now. Start with Tsume, as she's so keen."

And then he was being dragged off to a secluded area. It was probably supposed to be beautiful and romantic, with the space only being lit by small paper lanterns and candles, but he was feeling more creeped out than anything. Especially with the camera thrust in his face like that. His brain was shouting, _too much invasion of personal space! Get out of here!_ but he shoved the feeling down. He didn't have a choice but to go through with this.

Tsume grinned at him, and he was almost certain she had fangs. "Kakashi-san," she growled, "How would you like to become one of the pack?"

He caught a glinting in the shadows and realized with a sick sense of fascination that she had brought her ninken Kuromaru with her. "I already have my own pack, Tsume-san," he said carefully. "Aren't you supposed to talk about more casual things on a first date?"

"Oh, I don't do dates very well, Kakashi-san," Tsume admitted, "But it's mating season, and I could do with another litter of pups."

"Litter?" Kakashi felt suddenly quite lightheaded. One child was more than enough, thank you. He'd dealt with a litter of puppies before and he could only imagine that human babies would be even more troublesome.

"Oh yes, you'd produce some fine children."

Kakashi backed up slowly and quite purposefully so he was back at the stage. "Next, please," he called out, his voice betraying very little of his nerves.

When Mitirashi Anko dropped down in front of him he almost wished he had Tsume back. _Almost._ "I'll bet you're not afraid to experiment in the bedroom," the purple haired kunoichi purred, and he wondered if that was a pick up line that many people used. He was suddenly very glad Iruka hadn't followed through on buying those leather chaps because he had the feeling Anko would really have appreciated them.

Her dress, if it could be called that, was made of leather and covered very little. Kakashi coughed lightly and directed his eyes away, but not too far. He'd have to catch her if she made a grab for the mask, which was a given in any situation. "So, uh, what do you like doing in your spare time?"

"I'm very flexible." Anko smiled and lifted a leg into the air, showing much more skin than was necessary. "And I like dango. I'd like it a lot more if I got to lick it of a set of sexy abs like I just know you're sporting." She licked her lips with a creepily long tongue that was in no way seductive.

Kakashi shuddered internally. He didn't have a food fetish, or any other kind of fetish really, and he didn't really want to think of the other things Anko might be into. She told him anyway. "I like chains and whips and chakra cuffs. I think you'd be good with a whip."

He didn't think he could make fifteen minutes. "Next?"

Anko scowled at him, and at Kurenai who had appeared beside her. "I'm not finished. I get fifteen minutes, remember?"

Kurenai looked from Kakashi to Anko then back again. "Maybe you should try again tomorrow," she said gently to the tokubetsu jōnin. "Try a different approach."

Tsunade lifted Anko up and hauled her, still scowling, back onto the stage. "Kakashi-san decides the rules," she announced.

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "If it were my rules, I wouldn't be here," he muttered, and Kurenai smiled at him.

"I thought that would be the case," she said softly. "Do you want to go sit down to talk?"

Kakashi nodded, and followed the hypnotic sway of her red dress to a table away from the stage. He liked Kurenai well enough. If it came down to it she might be his best choice, to spend the rest of his life with a friend. At least he could stand her.

"You look pretty shaken," she observed.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Have you ever been hit on by Anko? Or Tsume, for that matter? I swear neither of them would know subtlety if it hit them in the face. Which it wouldn't, because it's subtlety." He sighed, and rested his chin on his hand. "How are you holding up, with the baby and all?"

Kurenai gave him a genuine smile. "Hiru-chan's looking just like his daddy. I still miss Asuma often, but I am grateful every minute that he managed to give me this wonderful gift in his child before he died."

Kakashi stared down at the tablecloth. "If you don't mind me asking, why did you sign up for this? I know that you don't love me, and I doubt you'll ever like me as more than a friend. So, why?"

Kurenai sighed. "You know as well as I do that you're not going to get somebody to love out of this. If you do, it'd be a miracle. Asuma was the one for me, the only one. I'm not going to find somebody else that will replace him, so I thought that if you needed the option, I'm here for you as a friend if you need it. You would be the strong father figure I want for Hiruzen, and I would be your baby-maker. It's a trade, of sorts."

Kakashi nodded, thoughtful. "I don't think I'd be the best father," he admitted.

"You would learn," Kurenai said adamantly. "And I know that you would not treat Hiruzen any different than you would your own child, and that's what is important."

"But would you?" Kakashi asked bluntly. "I know it means a lot to you to have Asuma's child, and I don't think any child of mine would ever be able to match up in your eyes."

Kurenai lowered her gaze to the tabletop. "I think I could do it. I don't like to believe that I would be able to love any child of mine any less than another, no matter who the father is. She would still be my baby."

"Thank you. I don't think it would be the best option for you but… I will keep it in mind."

"It's not a problem, Kakashi." Kurenai smiled at him and he could see why Asuma had fallen for her. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all. "Are you ready to talk to your next suitor? Anko and Tsume will kill me if I end up with more time with you, and the sooner you get through everyone the sooner you can get out of those clothes, right?"

"Maa, that makes sense," Kakashi said, nodding. There was nothing he wanted more than to take off the ridiculous suit and slip back into his uniform. "I'll talk to you later?"

"Good luck, Kakashi."

His next suitor was as direct as Tsume but slightly less… overbearing. Kakashi squinted at her. "Aren't you from Suna?"

The girl had her hair pulled up into four sandy blonde ponytails and he thought it looked ridiculous. But at least she didn't look like she'd dressed up to meet him. Now that he looked, she was wearing a Suna hitai-ate around her neck and what seemed to be her usual battle dress.

"I am Temari," she said shortly. "My brother is the current Kazekage. If we were to be joined in marriage it would form an even stronger bond between our villages."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "How old are you?"

"Nineteen," she replied. "But I am mature for my age."

"And you have already given up on finding love?"

"My village comes before anything."

"It's not really necessary, you know. Konoha and Suna are on relatively good terms, thanks to Naruto," Kakashi said. He tried not to think about how he'd probably had the same mindset when he'd been nineteen.

"I realize that. It's not my only reason."

Kakashi stared.

"You're attractive, strong, and would make good children."

Kakashi pointed at the mask that covered the majority of his face. "How do you know I'm attractive?"

Temari shrugged. "You look like you have well-defined cheekbones, a strong chin. And as a jōnin you obviously have a well-toned body."

Kakashi felt slightly out of place discussing his physical appearance. He tended to avoid thinking about what he looked like whenever he could. "So, you would stay in Konoha then? Sand irritates my skin."

He tried not to think about the fact that he was questioning her about becoming his wife. She had qualities he liked in a fellow shinobi, but she was still just a kid really. And he definitely didn't feel that 'spark' that you were supposed to feel when you found your one true love.

"Yes, I would be sort of an unofficial ambassador for Suna located in Konoha."

Kakashi sighed. All these women seemed to be going about this the wrong way. It wasn't as if he were an expert in the dating field but still, even he knew that this wasn't how first dates were supposed to go. "Well, what do you like to do in your spare time?" he asked. Isn't that usually how you got to know someone?

"Well, when I'm not fighting I have a little bit of a thing for flowers." Temari blushed lightly as she said it, embarrassed about showing such a feminine side, and Kakashi watched with interest. "I collect and press them, and I'm interested in Hanakotoba. I guess it's a little girly."

"Not at all," Kakashi said. "Hanakotoba is a very interesting practice and should be used more often. It can be very useful, as is knowing the difference between plants and flowers when you are out on a mission."

Temari glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, lashes downturned and smiling shyly. Kakashi wanted to kick himself for being so stupid. He hadn't meant to turn her into a simpering mess; she was better as the hardened Kunoichi.

"Oi, give someone else a turn." Anko was scowling at Temari, obviously jealous that the younger girl had gotten more time with Kakashi than her. "Don't monopolize the hunk." She batted her eyelashes coyly at Kakashi.

"Alright, alright, have your next one," Tsunade said, pushing a woman he didn't recognize towards him. She seemed a lot drunker than she had been in the short time before.

The woman had black curly hair and glasses he couldn't see through, and she was wearing a pink kimono. "Hatake Kakashi-san," she said, and her voice was painfully quiet. "I am Suzume."

"And you're from Konoha," he asserted, a little unsure after having been faced with Temari.

"Yes." She gave a barely perceptible nod. "I teach at the academy."

"You are a chūnin then?" He didn't know why Tsunade would pick a chūnin for him, and he got the feeling she'd just drawn names out of a hat to see who'd be the most interesting.

"Hai." She smiled nervously.

"And what makes you want to be in a relationship with me?" Kakashi asked. He really didn't know any of these women well, and he was honestly confused as to why they'd want to be with him.

"You're mysterious and handsome," she said in the same, quiet voice. "I feel like I need a little bit of excitement in my life, and you'd help with that, right, Kakashi-san?"

Excitement wasn't the first word he'd use to describe what he did. He spent most of his time on missions, came home bloody, and spent the rest of his time reading Icha Icha or tormenting Tenzō. "It would certainly be a change for you," he conceded.

"A change is what I need at this point in my life," Suzume said. "That is why I came here." She pushed a lock of hair behind her ear and smiled shyly.

The fact that all the women who were participating in this had no interest in his personality and only wanted him for his strength and apparent good looks made him a little mad. He was being reduced to simply being a shinobi again and he didn't like it. "I hope you get your change," he said simply, and then stared at Tsunade until she got the hint and thrust the next girl at him.

Hinata stumbled and he barely had time to try and catch her before she crashed into his chest, almost immediately pulling away and taking on the appearance of a ripe tomato. "I am s-so sorry, Kakashi-sensei," She said, eyes on the ground. "I hope you don't think badly of me."

Kakashi pulled out a chair at a nearby table and gestured for her to sit. "Hinata, why would I think badly of you?"

She didn't sit in the chair but rather perched on the edge of it. "I fell. I am graceless and a failure as a Kunoichi."

Kakashi frowned. He had the niggling feeling that she was just repeating something that had she had been told many times. "I've seen you fight, Hinata. You are anything but graceless. You just need to work on being more sure of yourself, that's all."

"I…" she didn't really seem to know where to go with it. "Thank you, Kakashi-sensei."

"You can't call me sensei if there's a chance we could get married," Kakashi said, cracking a smile.

Hinata looked nothing short of terrified. "I don't want to marry you!" she burst out, then covered her mouth with her hands, eyes wide. "Please don't kick me out of the competition, Kakashi-sensei."

"Don't worry, there's practically no chance of me choosing you," Kakashi said, before realizing it sounded much too harsh. "Because of your age, of course. I'd feel like a pedophile. But if you don't like me like that, why are you in this… thing?"

"My father," Hinata choked out. "He doesn't approve of Naruto, but he thinks you would be a good choice for a husband. I don't want to get married, but – but if I get kicked out of the competition this early he'll only say that it proves how weak and worthless I am."

"Ah." Kakashi had never liked Hyūga Hiashi. Hinata, though a lot different character-wise, reminded him of his own childhood, being expected to perform everything perfectly. "I promise to keep you in for as long as possible, okay? Spend the time you're here thinking of ways to talk to Naruto. That boy's so thickheaded he won't know you like him until you tell him straight to his face. And," he leaned forward to whisper in her ear, "I think you'll find he has family roots that even a Hyūga can't complain about."

Hinata blushed at the close contact. "T-thank you, Kakashi-sensei."

He gave her a shut-eye smile. "No problem, Hinata-chan."

Tsunade gave a loud gasp behind him, and faced the camera. "What dastardly secrets did our hero whisper to the beautifully blushing Hyūga? Is this promise all just a front for a blossoming romance? Stay tuned for the next episode of -"

"Ano, Tsunade-sama?" Izumo peered out from behind the camera. "Kakashi-san hasn't finished talking to all the girls yet. And have you seen Kotetsu?"

He looked around for his fellow cameraman and found him with his camera through a hedge directed up at the high hemline of Anko's skirt. Fuming, he dragged his friend away. "She will kill you if she finds out you're doing that, Ko."

Kotetsu was blurry eyed when he finally turned to acknowledge Izumo. "I think she's not wearing underwear, 'Zu."

Izumo growled. "If we're getting paid to ruin Kakashi-san's life you could at least do it in a dignified manner, Kotetsu."

"Right, right." He readjusted his camera and pointed it back towards the silver-haired jōnin who appeared to be getting molested by a drunken Shizune.

"I've always thought you were hot, Kakashi-sama," she purred, and Kakashi blinked twice at the _sama_ part. No freaking way. _Shizune _was on his lap looking like she was about to get freaky. "Your mysterious jōnin ways. I want to see your mysterious jōnin face."

"No way." He couldn't push her off, because Tsunade would get angry and when Tsunade got angry things got broken. Important things, like his bones. But if Shizune deemed it okay to sit on his knee then Anko and Tsume would be fighting for the next turn, and that wouldn't be pretty. "Could you, perhaps, back off a little?"

Shizune stood up, swaying slightly, and pouted. "Am I not good enough for you?"

"This is a first date," he reminded her.

Shizune flapped a hand carelessly. "Oh, but I've loved you forever."

"Next, next!" Kakashi shouted. Declarations of love were not something he needed to hear. It was almost worse than being outright groped.

Shizune was pulled away from him and a new woman silently took her place. He was almost afraid to look up. "Kakashi-san," she said softly, and he had to look.

He'd recognize that purple hair anywhere. "Yūgao-san," he replied dipping his head slightly in respect. He'd never considered dating another who was in ANBU. They were too unstable, too broken. "Sit, and tell me why you're here."

She sat. "Since Hayate passed I've been drowning myself in work, and you know very well what kind of work it is and what it does to people."

It was true, and he could notice it now. She was thinner than when he'd last seen her, her lips pulled downwards in a state of permanent unhappiness.

"I want out, but to get out I need something to replace that. A baby would work, I think, which is why I'm here with you. I doubt you want a relationship with anyone, Kakashi-san. I know that you hate letting people close. But I'm willing to have a purely physical relationship with you if it gets me a child."

"Well, you'd definitely have your hands full with a Hatake child," Kakashi said, crinkling his eye shut in a curved smile to hide just how lost he felt. "They're all supposed to be geniuses."

"Any child of yours will be a genius," Yūgao said simply. "And yes, they'd be the perfect distraction. I would devote my whole life to them."

Kakashi thought that that didn't sound particularly healthy but as he'd devoted a large chunk of his life to serving in ANBU he couldn't really judge. Looking after a child seemed like a much better addiction than killing people, really.

"That's all I really wanted to say," Yūgao said. "It doesn't matter what your likes and interests are, or what mine are. Think of it as a partnership."

She got up and moved away, leaving Kakashi feeling completely nonplussed. "That's it for the interesting life and times of Hatake Kakashi!" Tsunade said, giggling madly into the camera. "Tune in tomorrow for more fun times with the Copy-nin and his lovers."

Kakashi rolled his eyes and slouched away before anyone noticed. He'd never felt so utterly and completely drained, and from eight short conversations no less. "Izumo-san," he whispered, approaching the more reliable cameraman, "Do you know where I'm supposed to be sleeping?"

Izumo pointed to a building on the left. "Up the stairs, first door on your right," he whispered back. "Why are we whispering?"

"So those mad fangirls don't realize I'm gone," Kakashi whispered back, and hightailed it to the building Izumo had indicated.

"Door on the right, door on the right," Kakashi muttered as he went up the stairs, and kicked the first door he saw open. He frowned. "That can't be right."

There were two futons in the room, and one was currently occupied. Umino Iruka was splayed out on top of the mattress with papers scattered around him, snoring gently. Curious, Kakashi picked up a sheet of paper and stared at it. _9am, chakra control briefing. 10am __special guest __quiz. 11:30am taijutsu lecture. _He shook his head. The man had been giving a mission and he'd brought more work for himself to do whilst on it? He had to be insane.

Kakashi stared at the younger man and sighed, beginning to pick up all the papers and pushing them into a semi-tidy stack. When he was done he eased the blanket out from underneath Iruka, who muttered something unintelligible, and draped it over his shoulders. He owed him at least that much for being such an asshole all day.

He was too tired to find out if he was really supposed to be here or if he had his own room so he just flopped down on the unoccupied futon anyway, and shut off all thought from the day to his brain. Tsume by herself would be enough to give him nightmares, and he didn't want Iruka to think that the fearsome Copy-nin cried in his sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Day Two.**

Kakashi opened his eyes to see his new roommate sitting on the futon across from him, legs folded and eating toast, studying him carefully. He closed his eyes again and sighed heavily. "I wasn't dreaming, then?"

"I'm afraid not," Iruka replied cheerfully. "Want some toast?"

Kakashi rolled over so his back was to the chūnin. "You're enjoying my misfortune, aren't you?" he grumbled.

Iruka laughed. "Misfortune is a funny way to put it. I'm sure lots of people would want to be in your position."

Kakashi sat up and glared at him. "Would _you?_" The words shot out of his mouth before he remembered that the chūnin didn't like women.

Iruka stiffened slightly. "I think you'll know the answer to that if you actually engage your brain for once," he said curtly, and then stood up to leave.

"Wait, Iruka, I -" he faltered as Iruka turned back to him, a questioning look on his face, and dragged his hand through his hair agitatedly. "What I said yesterday. I didn't mean to."

Iruka tilted his head slightly to the side. "Is that supposed to be an apology?"

Kakashi nodded and let out a heavy sigh. "Yesterday was a bit of a shock to me. I was taking my frustration out on you. I shouldn't have."

Iruka grinned and sat back down on the futon. "That's cute."

Kakashi scowled. "What's cute?"

"You can't say sorry."

"I can too," Kakashi protested.

"And?"

"I'm sorry?"

Iruka lay back on the mattress and chuckled. "You sound so unsure about it. You know if you really do have a problem with my sexuality feel free to get Tsunade-sama to kick me off this mission. I'd rather be making proper money right now."

"I don't have a problem with it, I was just being difficult," Kakashi said quietly. "Some of my favourite experiences have been with men."

"Ooh, really?" Iruka sat back up, leaning forwards. "Do you top or bottom?"

Kakashi stared at him, hard, and he blushed, scratching the bridge of his nose and lowering his gaze to the sheets. "Sorry. I forgot who I was talking to."

The jōnin closed his eye and arched it so it looked like he was smiling. "Maa, Iruka, do you want to find out?"

Iruka, if possible, turned an even brighter red. "I didn't mean that! I was just surprised that you had done that, and I guess even more surprised that you would tell me about it."

The man had a point, Kakashi realized. He didn't know why he'd told Iruka that he'd been with men before, he'd just… said it, without thinking. He frowned. That was not a good habit to get into. He'd have to watch himself carefully around this chūnin.

"So anyway," Iruka said, slightly awkwardly, "Who are the lovely ladies you get to date? Are you allowed to tell me?"

Kakashi handed over the list silently and Iruka studied it carefully, the tip of tongue poking out the corner of his mouth in an indication of his concentration. Eventually he looked up. "Do you have any idea who you're going to choose?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I only really know Kurenai."

"Hmm, well, Shizune's had a crush on you for ages. She whines about how dense you are and how you don't even see her every time she gets drunk," Iruka mused. "Although when she's sober she's really nice. Gives good massages. Got that healing touch, you know."

"Hn. Know any of the others?" Kakashi didn't particularly want to think about Shizune and her disturbing confessions of love.

"Well, I don't know Yūgao-san all that well. She seems pretty quiet and reserved for the most part, but I've only spoken with her once or twice," Iruka said.

Kakashi nodded. "I've worked with her a few times."

"So you probably know more than I do about her," Iruka said. "Hm, Hinata is – wait, why is Hinata on this list?"

"Old man Hyūga forced her into it," Kakashi replied. "Poor kid. I know what it's like to have things expected of you."

Iruka smiled softly, thinking of his old students. "Hinata is stronger than she looks. I think she will make a good mother one day. Just not yet. You're a bit too old for her."

"A _bit_ too old?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow and ran his fingers through his hair, only now realizing that it was probably extremely wild because of how he'd slept. "She needs to get up the courage to tell Naruto how she feels. Old man Hiashi wouldn't like it but," he shrugged, "They'd have some pretty powerful kids."

Iruka groaned. "I don't even want to think about Naruto having kids. Think of the destruction they would cause. I bet he'd go and have twins too, just to make things more difficult for me."

Kakashi snorted. "That would kind of make you a grandfather, right?"

"I guess it would." Iruka smiled. "Naruto's my only family and I'm not about to have my own children, ever, so… it would be kind of nice, really. I just hope he waits a few years. He still needs to grow up properly."

"Do you ever wish you could have children?" Kakashi asked. He didn't want a child, but Iruka was a teacher and seemed to adore the little brats. It only made sense that he would want one of his own.

Iruka looked a little sad. "I've thought about it, yes. But I'm not attracted to women at all and I've only been in one long-term relationship. I don't really want to raise a child on my own. Besides, I practically raised Naruto. That'd be enough for anyone, right?"

"How did your relationship end?" Kakashi asked. He knew he was being nosy but he couldn't help it. Iruka… intrigued him.

"I was stabbed in the back," Iruka said flatly, signaling the end of that conversation.

Kakashi wondered about that, but it wasn't really any of his business and prying further would probably make Iruka clam up or run away, and he didn't want either of those things to happen. "You probably know Suzume, right? She said she was a teacher at the academy."

"Yes." Iruka nodded. "She's shy, but very passionate about what she loves to do, which is teaching. Her husband died on a mission last year and I think she's been fighting depression because of it, although she won't tell anyone. I'm glad to see she's going out and doing something, even if it's something as crazy as this. Although, I don't really think she's your type."

Kakashi grinned. "Maa, and what do you think is 'my type', Iruka-sensei?"

Iruka blushed, and rubbed at his scar. "Ah, well, I just think that – I don't know. It's just that you seem to have a really strong personality, and I think hers would get crushed under the weight of yours."

Kakashi thought about that. It seemed a viable observation and he wondered how long Iruka would have had to watch him to come up with it. "So you think I would do better with someone like Anko?" he asked nonchalantly.

"Anko is special in her own way," Iruka said firmly. "Once you get to know her you realize all the toughness is just a protective shell to keep herself from being hurt by what other people say about her. There are still people who distrust her because of her past with Orochimaru, you know. She's actually quite sweet, if you can get through the layers."

"So the 'whips and chains and handcuffs' thing was all talk?" Kakashi asked. He'd never thought about analyzing Anko, he spent most of his time trying to avoid her. Maybe he should have tried looking underneath the underneath.

"Ah, probably not." Iruka scratched his nose again. "From what I've heard – from her – she actually really enjoys being, uh, wild in the bedroom. She gives me more details than anyone would ever want to know, so don't ask."

Kakashi shuddered involuntarily. He didn't understand why any shinobi would want to bring things like that into the bedroom. He'd been through enough of _that_ the last time – well, the only time – he'd been captured on a mission. His own sex life was probably quite tame in comparison to Anko's.

Iruka was studying him again, as if he wouldn't notice. "It's not as bad as you're thinking," he said. "Well, maybe not to the extent that Anko does it, but being tied up during sex can be fun. Giving all the control to your partner is kind of exhilarating."

"Maa, sweet Iruka-sensei is into bondage? Wait until Naruto hears this," Kakashi leered.

"You wouldn't." Iruka scowled. "And even if you did tell him he wouldn't believe you."

Kakashi's face crinkled up into his eye-smile again. "You're right, I wouldn't. He'd probably kill me for 'telling lies about his Iruka-sensei'."

Iruka smiled. "Well, how do you expect your students to believe anything you say when you constantly lie to them?"

"I don't lie to them," Kakashi said, slightly offended.

"Maa, I was helping an old lady cross the road. I was rescuing a cat from a tree. I got lost on the road of life." Iruka crossed his arms over his chest and looked adorably mad. "You lie to them every day, Kakashi-san."

"Only about that," Kakashi shot back. He was feeling irrationally upset that Iruka might think badly of him. "They don't need to know what I do in the mornings."

"If you just showed up on time then you wouldn't have to lie to them, you lazy bastard."

"It's not my fault I get carried away talking to Obito," Kakashi near shouted, then slammed his mouth shut. Crap. He hadn't meant to say that.

Iruka tilted his head to the side again and Kakashi found himself unreasonably annoyed by it. It was as if the younger man was trying to view him from another angle, to pull out all his secrets. Iruka opened his mouth and then shut it again. When he finally did speak, what he said was, "Temari is a nice girl, if a bit brusque. Her heart is in the right place. I did think something was going on between her and Shikamaru, but maybe not."

Kakashi didn't know what to say. He'd expected questions on Obito, but apparently Iruka had decided he wasn't going to get an answer anyway so he wasn't going to bother asking. "She's putting her village before her own feelings."

"Ah." Iruka looked sad. "I know as shinobi that's what we are supposed to do but it makes me feel bad seeing people so young giving up everything for a cause they've been told they should believe in."

Kakashi thought about how his own young life had been dedicated to protecting a village full of people who didn't like him and weren't ready to accept him and silently agreed. "What about Tsume? Is she all sweet underneath like our darling Anko?"

Iruka snorted. "Not that I know of. That woman _sniffed_ me during a parent-teacher meeting and told me I should eat more apples. I still have no idea why. She treats Kiba like he's an idiot and judges him too harshly. But I guess he turned out okay in the end."

"She didn't ask you if you wanted to become pack, did she?" Kakashi asked.

"Pack?" Iruka looked confused.

"She said she wants to have a litter of my pups."

Iruka shivered. "That's… kind of disturbing."

Kakashi nodded. "Yeah. Be glad no one's forcing you to find a wife."

The conversation was interrupted as Kotetsu flew through the door with a camera in his hand. "Is everybody ready for another fun day in the sun?" he yelled, startling a bird outside the window. Kakashi and Iruka stared at him blankly.

"C'mon guys, it's time to get up and seduce those ladies."

A still half-asleep Izumo tumbled through the doorway after him, hitting him on the head. "Ko, we're not supposed to be in here."

His best friend turned to him. "No, _you're_ not supposed to be in here. Tsunade-sama told _me_ to get whatever shots I can. And I think all the ladies want to see Kakashi-san with bed hair, am I right or am I right?"

Iruka looked at Kakashi. "He always looks like that," he pointed out. Kakashi had switched his suit for a well worn pair of uniform pants and shirt, and the way he'd slept made his hair stick up to the left in messy spikes. Studying the jōnin like that made him catch the one noticeable difference about him, and he averted his eyes so his cheeks wouldn't embarrass him. Kakashi wasn't wearing his flak jacket and the shirt he had on clung to his body, showing off the well-sculptured flat planes of his chest.

Iruka coughed lightly. "Well, if it's time to go then Kakashi-san needs to get dressed. No uniform allowed, remember?"

Kakashi sighed and scrubbed a hand through his hair, making it stick up even more. "Yes, master."

"Good boy." Iruka smiled and then turned to Kotetsu and Izumo. "You two, out."

Not even Kotetsu protested. He still had nightmares from the last time he had argued against Iruka's teacher voice.

Iruka flicked through his stack of papers until he found the form he needed, and read it carefully. "So today we are going on a picnic lunch and you are to introduce your suitors to your summons."

Kakashi buried his face in his hands and groaned. "Do I have to? Pakkun will never let me live this down."

"How much trouble could it be?" Iruka asked. "They're all ninken, aren't they?"

"No they're not." Kakashi swore violently. "They're disrespectful sons of bitches, that's what they are. And they're all going to _laugh_ at me."

"Oh." Iruka couldn't really argue with that, because he'd met Pakkun and although the pug didn't seem disrespectful to him he did seem rather… loud with his opinions. "Well, you have to suck it up. You know Tsunade-sama's not going to give you a choice, don't you?"

"Iruka-sensei," Kakashi said in a grave voice, "For your own safety I recommend that you keep as far away from this 'picnic' as you possibly can. At the very least Urushi is going to offend someone, and with his ridiculous luck it's going to be Anko. And everything will go downhill from there."

Iruka smiled brightly and tossed some clothes at him. "It sounds like you'll need me to be there. I don't have a choice about coming, anyway. Apparently I'm supposed to make sure you mind your manners." He snickered. "It should be fun."

Kakashi looked at him warily before glancing at the clothes he'd been given. "I can't wear this," he groused, holding up a short-sleeved checkered shirt. "When your name is Kakashi you don't go around _trying_ to look like a scarecrow."

Iruka sighed. "Just wear it. The way you're acting one would think you _want_ to look good for the ladies."

Kakashi growled and moved to take off his shirt. It was halfway up his chest before he realized Iruka was still watching him. "What? Just because you're rooming with me doesn't mean you get to see my face, you know." He waved his hand in a shooing motion. Iruka turned bright red and scampered out the door.

**o0o**

The picnic started off fine. Tsunade was already drunk and clutching Izumo a little too tightly to her chest, to the point where he felt like he was suffocating, but nobody else minded. Kotetsu made sure to get some good footage of Izumo's head being dwarfed between their Hokage's gargantuan breasts.

It was a nice day, the sun was shining and a light breeze stopped it from getting too hot. They were sitting on top of the First Hokage's head ("That's my Granddad!" Tsunade was saying to anyone who'd listen) and could see the entire village from where they were. It was a beautiful view, but Kakashi wasn't looking. He was too busy fidgeting nervously and thinking evil thoughts about Iruka who, by giving him the checkered shirt, had unwittingly made him match the picnic blanket.

He had to admit that the clothes he was wearing now were much more comfortable than the suit of yesterday, though. Iruka had gotten him a long sleeved white cotton shirt with a mask attached to go underneath the checkered one and it was surprisingly even more comfortable than his usual uniform shirt. The pants he'd been given were jeans with a light wash and they allowed more room for flexibility than he'd first thought they would.

"Tsunade-sama, I don't think he can breathe," Hinata said in her quiet voice. Kakashi looked at her. Hiashi had stuffed his daughter into what looked like eight layers of formal kimono and although it looked pretty Kakashi thought she was probably having trouble breathing herself. She looked like an expensive, fragile doll.

Tsunade released Izumo who stumbled away gasping, and looked confused. "Who, what now?" Then her eyes alighted on Kakashi, and gained that troublesome gleam. She pointed a shaking finger at him, and said, "Dogs!"

"Maa, what?" Eight females swiveled to stare at Kakashi, who rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. He felt uncomfortable being the centre of attention.

"Dogs, you know, woof woof." Tsunade frowned at him.

"Maa, are you calling me a dog?" Kakashi said, acting surprised and pointing a finger at himself.

"No, I think," a very pale Izumo burbled, having just returned from throwing up in the bushes, "I think she wants you to summon your ninken, Kakashi-san."

Kakashi sighed. "I know that. I was just hoping to spend some time with these lovely ladies without my pups around. I don't really like sharing, you know." He scowled, but curved his eye up into what would look like a smile anyway. When he opened his eye again he caught Iruka watching him with a small smile and got the sinking feeling the man was onto him. His suspicion was confirmed when Iruka winked at him.

"How big is your pack?" a deep voice growled from behind him, and Kakashi nearly jumped. He should have been able to feel the chakra but this damned dating thing was really messing with his mind and he couldn't concentrate properly. He turned slowly until he was face to face with Tsume's ninken Kuromaru. The great beast stared him down with one eye and Kakashi felt slightly jealous that the dog's eye patch was much more manly than the silk scarf he had wrapped around his own eye.

"Eight," he answered shortly.

Kuromaru snorted through his nose then lay down, his nose on his paws, much too close to Kakashi for comfort. He wished that Tsume didn't have to bring her damn dog everywhere with her, she was bad enough by herself as it was. He inched slightly away from the animal, only to find that the movement brought him closer to Shizune, who gazed up at him adoringly, blushing. "Kakashi-san, you look good out of uniform."

"Hn." Kakashi looked away. What was he meant to say to that? Deny it, or accept it? Nobody really complimented him on his looks before. Out of the corner of his eye he caught Iruka mouthing words at him. "Thank… you?" he guessed.

"Ooh, you're so adorable." Shizune was hanging off his arm, and he glared at Iruka. The man wasn't even trying to help him! He was just sitting there _laughing._ Adorable. Psh, nobody should ever call Hatake Kakashi of the sharingan _adorable._ It was wrong on so many different levels.

"Oi, I want a turn," another voice whined, and he was obviously losing his touch because he didn't even realize the danger until Anko had already plunked herself down in his lap. "Want a dance, Kakashi?"

"I can't dance," he said automatically.

Anko grinned. He almost swore she had fangs. "Oh but Kakashi," she purred, "You don't need to. This is a dance where I move and you just sit back and enjoy it."

She ground her chest against his for impact. _A lap dance? In front of all these women?_ _Even Anko isn't _that_ sleazy. Right? Right? _As fast as she had appeared Anko disappeared, Kuromaru sinking his teeth into the back of her dress and tossing her off the side of the mountain. She reappeared two minutes later, chakra surrounding her feet and a murderous look on her face.

Tsume stood in front of Kakashi and glared at her. "You don't get all of him, bitch. Save some for everybody else."

The two Kunoichi stood in the middle of the picnic blanket, Kuromaru beside Tsume with his teeth barred, growling low in his throat. A quick glance around showed Hinata and Suzume huddling together, Temari frowning, Yūgao staring uninterestedly, Shizune still clinging to his arm and Kurenai looking to Iruka for help. Tsunade he located somewhere in the bushes to his left, arguing with Kotetsu about something, and Izumo was hanging upside down from a tree, trying desperately to get down. He didn't even want to know what was going on there.

Kakashi sighed. It looked like he was going to have to solve this stupid problem on his own, even though it would never have happened if the idiotic elders had had the sense to stay out of his life. "Maa, everyone sit down and I'll summon my dogs," he said cheerfully, going the full mile and adding a closed-eye smile.

Everyone stared at him, and Tsume slunk to the edge of the blanket and sat, looking for all the world like a dog with its tail between its legs. Kuromaru followed and, finding herself the unwanted centre of attention, Anko sat down too, scowling. Kakashi sighed again. _I better not regret this._

He sliced open his thumb and affected a bored tone and he pressed his palm to the ground. "Kuchiyose no jutsu."

A mismatched group of eight dogs appeared in the middle of the blanket, excitedly talking over one another in yips and barks until the smallest, a grumpy looking pug, snapped, "Quiet!" The dogs fell silent but let their curious gazes sweep over the people in the circle. The pug then turned to his master, giving Shizune, who was still attached to his arm, a confused look. "Kakashi, why are we here?"

Kakashi scratched the back of his head and gave a nervous laugh. "Pakkun. You won't believe this but, ah, Tsunade-sama is trying to find me a wife."

Pakkun just stared for a while, then rolled onto his back laughing. The other dogs followed suit except for a large bulldog, who simply looked confused. "Who'd want to be mated to _you_?"

Kakashi scowled and crossed his arms. "Apparently, everybody here. And that's better than I've seen you do."

When Pakkun had finished laughing he said between gasps for air, "Why did you summon us? I can't believe it was just to put a little humour into our day."

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Whoever _mates_ with me must also be compatible with you guys. I want to know who you -"

He was interrupted by growling. A small tan dog with droopy eyes and ears was standing facing Kuromaru, hackles raised. The bigger dog barred its teeth. "Watch what you say, pup."

The smaller dog yapped, "I'm not a pup, I'm ninken. I bet I could beat you in a fight."

"Oh yeah?" Kuromaru gave a ferocious looking doggie grin. "Let's see you then."

He lunged for the dog who skittered away blindly only to be snatched up by a reaching hand. The dog yelped as the woman held him up to her chest, stroking him gently. "Who's a good little pup then? Who's a little cutie?"

Kakashi watched his youngest dog get tortured and thought it served him right. He'd been laughing along with all the others. Tsume called Kuromaru back to her side and everything settled down so that the only sound that could be heard was Bisuke's whimpers at being petted.

"Maa, I have eight dogs," Kakashi said, coming up with what must be his best idea yet, "And there are eight women here. So I'll allocate one ninken to each suitor and you can spend the day getting to know one another, right?"

There were a few nods, and Hinata looked uncertainly at Bull, the large bulldog. He was probably four times her size, Kakashi realized. "Suzume, you already have Bisuke." Bisuke let out an extra loud whine at that. "Ūhei, you take Kurenai, the one with red eyes. Akino, Yūgao with the long purple hair. Shiba, Anko's the one with the short purple hair. Pakkun, you go with Hinata. Guruko, Temari, the Suna girl. Urushi, you can have this one." He shook his arm, which Shizune was still hanging off. "And Bull, you get the Inuzuka. Alright?"

The dogs yipped agreements and shot off to their respective new acquaintances. Kakashi felt like he deserved a pat on the back. Now the kunoichi and his dogs would be busy and he wouldn't have to deal with any of them. He was a genius, after all. Although, he decided, he would take a listen in to some of their conversations. If he had to go through with this marriage thing it would be a good idea to pick someone who was at least a little compatible with his pack.

He skipped over Pakkun asking Hinata why she wanted to marry a bigheaded dolt like Kakashi and her stuttering reply to "P-Pakkun-sanl," paid no attention whatsoever to Bisuke's cries for help as Suzume clutched him to her chest with little coos of "Cutie-pie, Darling," and moved closer to Kurenai who looked up and smiled as he approached.

"I don't really understand why, but shinobi wear them and I quite liked the look, so I took it," his bandage-wearing ninken Ūhei was saying. "It makes me feel stronger and more serious."

"I feel much the same way," Kurenai said earnestly. "I think there's serious fashion in bandages that most people overlook. Plus, they're so practical. My dress can double as part of a first-aid kit when I'm out in the field."

Ūhei nodded solemnly in agreement, and Kakashi moved on. Well, at least they had something in common. Akino, a serious-looking tan-coloured dog wearing dark glasses, sat next to his assigned partner stoically. Neither Akino of Yūgao spoke. "You're not talking?" Kakashi asked.

The dog and the woman looked at each other, and then away. "We have an understanding," Akino said. "Her name is Yūgao. She is strong."

"And his is Akino," Yūgao said smoothly. "Isn't it enough to just sit and look at the world around us for a while?"

"Chatter is unnecessary," Akino agreed.

Kakashi smirked behind the mask. It might be a boring thing to have in common, but he had the feeling Akino was elated to find someone else like him. The rest of the pack liked to be moving and talking all the time.

He shield away from Anko and Shiba, a ninken with a dark tuft on his forehead who looked mildly threatening, who were arguing as if they've been at it all their lives.

"You look like a dirty hyena," Anko snapped.

"Your hair looks like a toilet brush," Shiba growled back.

"A kitten could fight better than you," Anko taunted.

Kakashi ignored them both. Eventually they'd get to the point where they'd physically attack each other, and if Anko got hurt then she'd probably be easier to deal with. Shizune, on the other hand, was being chastised by his snappiest ninken Urushi. "There is appropriate touching and there is inappropriate touching," Urushi was saying, pacing up and down. "You do not grab onto our master. That is inappropriate touching until you are mated."

"No sex before marriage?" Shizune groaned.

"Certainly not," Urushi snapped. "Now listen."

Kakashi smiled widely beneath the mask. Maybe he should keep Urushi around a bit more. The dog definitely deserved a big meaty steak for his efforts today. He wandered over to Tsume, only to realize she was alone with her own ninken. "Where's Bull?" he asked.

Tsume scowled and pointed without taking her eyes off the ground. He followed the direction of her finger to see Bull sitting slightly off the blanket, licking the First Hokage's head. Curious because the big lug of a dog had never disobeyed an order before he ambled over only to realize that his ninken was not licking the ground but Iruka's face. The man was lying between the dog's big paws, his lower body trapped under the main bulk of Bull's weight. "A little help?" he pleaded, looking up at Kakashi. "I think he's licking my skin off."

Kakashi smiled and pushed the big dog backwards. "Maa, I think he likes you Iruka-sensei."

Iruka stood up shakily and gave the ninken a small smile. "I like you too, Bull."

"Hey, Iruka-sensei, do you like me?" a small voice piped up.

"But you like me better, right?" another one said.

Kakashi looked down in surprise. Bisuke and Shiba were both giving Iruka pleading puppy dog looks that they hadn't used since, well, since they were puppies. Iruka knelt down in front of them and gave a genuine smile. "I like you both equally. You're strong and smart and Kakashi-san should be proud to have you as ninken. That goes for you too, Bull." He smiled up at the big dog who nearly knocked him over with another big lick.

"Did you hear that? Did you hear that? He said I'm fast and strong!" Bisuke yipped, jumping up and down on the spot. Akino looked over and wrinkled his nose in distaste. Yūgao smiled.

Kakashi stared at Iruka. "I didn't assign you any ninken, so how did you end up with three?"

"I'm sorry, Kakashi-san." Iruka's cheeks dusted pink and he scratched his scar awkwardly. "It's just that, Kuromaru-san was making fun of Bull for not being able to talk and Tsume said he's not smart enough to be a proper ninken so he should just go away. So I said he could come and talk to me if he wanted."

Kakashi glared at Tsume before turning back to Iruka. "And Bisuke?"

"All I did was tell Suzume that she shouldn't cuddle ninken because they have their pride and they're warriors, not pets. She stormed off in a bit of a huff."

The jōnin raised an eyebrow. "Shiba?"

"Well, him and Anko were yelling so I told them if they didn't stop I'd throw them both off the cliff. He said he wouldn't be able to speak calmly around Anko so I told him to just come sit with me."

"I see," Kakashi said, although in truth he was slightly jealous of the way that Bisuke was looking up at Iruka with unabashed adoration in his eyes. That little slut. He'd only just met the man! And he'd never looked at Kakashi like that before. He moved away to see how Temari and Guruko were getting along so that Iruka wouldn't see how disappointed he was that his ninken had abandoned him for another man.

The sand-nin was in the middle of introducing Guruko to her weasel summon Kamatari and looked up as Kakashi walked over. "Kakashi-san. I thought it would be wise to introduce my summon also."

Kakashi nodded. "Good thinking, Temari-san." The weasel was almost as big as his dog, and Guruko looked slightly in awe of it. It stood on its hind legs, carried a scythe, and wore a red waistcoat and bandages over one eye. "That's a cool weapon," he said gruffly.

"Hey! If everybody else gets summons, then I get summons too!" Anko screeched, and with a bang and a cloud of smoke a large mass of writhing snakes appeared in the middle of the blanket. Temari pulled out her fan defensively and Suzume screamed. Kakashi glanced over at Bull who was, as he had expected, a quivering mass of terrified dog. What he hadn't expected to see was Iruka standing in front of the giant ninken with a kunai in his hand and his mouth set into a grim line. "Call them back, Anko," he yelled. "You're making a big deal out of nothing."

Sulking, the tokubetsu jōnin did as he asked before transporting away. Kakashi let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He watched as Iruka put a hand on Bull's shoulder and whispered something in his ear. The big dog miraculously stopped trembling, and even attempted a small lick of Iruka's face.

Tsunade stumbled onto the blanket woozily, one arm around Kotetsu and the other around Izumo. Both chūnin wore horrified expressions. "Did we miss anything?" she slurred.

**o0o**

Kakashi leaned back on the Sandaime's hair, studying his ninken. He'd taken the chance to speak to them away from the women because he was starting to feel a bit crazy surrounded by all those Kunoichi. "Maa, boys, who should I keep?"

The ninken looked at each other, and then Pakkun stepped forward. "We all agree on the person who is right for you," the pug declared.

"You do?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow. He had been sure Ūhei would vote Kurenai and Akino Yūgao. He hadn't thought that the others had gotten on well with their respective 'dates' at all and besides, the ninken _never_ voted unanimously. Even when they actually did agree on something they dissented just because they knew it would piss him off.

"Aye," Pakkun said solemnly. "We have decided that the person we think is suited to be your mate is _Umino Iruka._"

Kakashi fell over. When he'd finally composed himself he pushed off the ground, dusted himself off and said calmly, "You know that Iruka-sensei is a _man_, right?"

Seven doggie heads nodded. Bisuke looked stunned. "But she – he – has long hair! Male humans are supposed to have short hair."

Pakkun swiped the back of his pack mate's head with his paw. "Baka! Don't you remember Master Sakumo?"

Bisuke put his paws over his eyes and whined pitifully. "Sakumo-sama was a man?"

Shiba sniggered. "Bisuke-chan, there are _different_ ways to tell a male human from a female than the length of their hair."

"Shut up, all of you!" Kakashi cut in. "You can't choose Iruka."

All eight dogs stared at him. "Why not?" Pakkun asked.

"Because he's not part of the competition. The purpose of this is for me to produce a child. Iruka and I cannot produce children together because we are both male," Kakashi said, gritting his teeth.

"But Kakashi, you asked us who you should keep, not who you should have a pup with," Pakkun pointed out. "We like Iruka-sensei. All the Kunoichi are crazy." The rest of the ninken nodded enthusiastically in agreement.

Kakashi sighed heavily. "So aside from Iruka, would you pick anyone else?"

Eight ninken shook their heads. Kakashi pressed his palm against his forehead, hard, and made a shooing motion with his other hand. "Alright, then, you useless mutts. Get lost."

There was a volley of 'pop's and a muttered, "Iruka-sensei would never call us that," and Kakashi brought his hand down with a sigh. Then he glared. "Pakkun, why are you still here?"

The pug stared up at him smugly. "I'm staying."

"I see that," Kakashi said tersely, "_Why_ are you staying?"

"Because this," Pakkun said, trotting off in the direction of the picnic blanket happily, "Looks like it will be highly amusing."

Kakashi scowled but followed him anyway.

**o0o**

Tsunade handed him a box of chocolates with a grin. "You choose now, brat."

Kakashi looked at the box in his hands and frowned. "I don't like sweets."

"They're not for you, they're for your suitors," Tsunade said with an exasperated sigh, as if it was perfectly obvious what he was supposed to do with them.

"But there's only six in here," Kakashi said, opening the box.

Tsunade's fist came down hard on Kotetsu's head. "I told you to leave seven, baka!" she cried, before turning back to Kakashi. "It's how you choose who gets to continue to the next day. Choose six Kunoichi to give a rose to and the other two have to go home."

Izumo tugged on her sleeve, looking slightly worried about his friend who had fallen when Tsunade hit him and had yet to get up. "Uh, Tsunade-sama? When I said roses I meant the flower, not the chocolate type. And you're supposed to do it in a more formal ceremonial type setting."

"Bah, flowers are boring. And I'm sick of having to go to stuffy meetings. Kakashi doesn't need a ceremony, I'm just waiting to see how much I'm going to win and the less effort is put into this the sooner I get my prize money," Tsunade said gruffly. "Chop chop, brat, the pub is waiting."

Kakashi stared at the chocolates thoughtfully, then simply said, "Hinata," and tossed one in her direction. Hinata caught it, her cheeks turning a pale shade of pink. She bowed low. "Arigato, Kakashi-san."

Kakashi inclined his head slightly at her, then tossed the next one. "Kurenai."

Izumo buried his head in his hands and groaned. "You're not supposed to do that. You're supposed to have _reasons._ This isn't _right._"

Kotetsu eyed him suspiciously. "Just how much civilian reality TV do you watch anyway, 'Zumo?"

Izumo turned red and shut up.

"Yūgao. Shizune. Suzume. Temari." Kakashi flicked the last chocolates to the women he'd named and turned to Tsunade, who was staring blankly and looked as if she'd missed everything that had just happened. "I'm done. Can I go now?"

She nodded and Kakashi dropped the box, disappearing in a puff of smoke. Pakkun followed suit. Tsunade scratched her head. "So who's out?"

The Kunoichi all looked at each other. They'd been too busy listening for their own name and hadn't bothered remembering anyone else's.

"I believe it is Anko and Tsume-san, Hokage-sama," Iruka said quietly. "Anko has already left, though, so you might have to inform her of that tomorrow."

"Ah."

They all turned to look at Tsume, who crossed her arms in front of her chest and scowled. Kuromaru barred his teeth. "I'll find a better man," she cried. "Just you wait." They all watched in silence as she and Kuromaru ran down the First Hokage's face and away across the village.

Suzume looked at her chocolate and pushed her glasses further up her nose. "You know," she said thoughtfully, "We all have different coloured chocolates. I wonder if it means anything?"

Six pairs of eyes drifted from their hands to lock onto the chocolate box. Shizune got there first, and held it up out of everyone else's reach. "Mine is bronze and black. That means," she searched quickly for the picture on the box, "It's a Caramello Deluxe. Does that mean he thinks I'm sweet?" She clutched the chocolate to her chest and swooned. "I am never eating this. I'm keeping it forever. Kakashi-san thinks I'm _sweet._"

Temari snatched the box from her grasp and studied the flavour guide. "Mine's Peppermint Crème. So I am… fresh and invigorating?" A sprinkling of pink dusted her cheeks. "He must have looked up my file and figured out I have wind nature chakra. That's so adorable!"

Suzume shook the box out of Temari's hands. "Turkish delight. I'm delightful?" She smiled happily. "He thinks I'm delightful."

"Excuse me, Suzume-san, could I look?" Hinata asked politely.

Suzume handed her the box with a smile. "I'm delightful!"

Hinata smiled back nervously. "Thank you, Suzume-san."

Kurenai peered over her student's shoulder. "What did you get, Hinata?"

The Hyūga heiress looked over the list carefully. "Strawberry Crème," she said softly. "What does that mean?"

Kurenai squeezed her shoulder. "To tell you the truth, I doubt it means anything. Kakashi really doesn't care as much about this as anyone else does."

"No, it means sweet, ripe innocence ready to be plucked," Suzume said dreamily.

Hinata stepped back nervously. "What did you get, Kurenai-sensei?"

Kurenai uncurled her hand to reveal a silver and red wrapped chocolate. "Cherry Heaven. To match my eyes." She smiled. "Yūgao-san, what's yours?"

The purple-haired ANBU shook her head. "It's of no importance to me. These 'roses' mean nothing." She dropped her chocolate back in the box and disappeared in a cloud of chakra smoke.

"Bleh. What a spoil sport," Tsunade snorted, making a face. She grabbed Kotetsu's camera and held it out in front of her face. "Now that Anko and Tsume have been eliminated, we're all going to the Shuriken Shack to get trashed! Make sure you place your bets, and remember to tune in tomorrow, same time, same place. Ja ne!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Day Three.**

Kakashi woke up the way he had the day before: with a few seconds of sweet, naïve bliss before the reality of his situation crashed over him. It was still dark and he felt extremely warm. It took a few seconds and a glance down for him to realize that somebody was in his bed and _cuddling_ him. He stiffened and prayed to whoever would listen that this was not Tsume's punishment for rejecting her, before realizing that if it was her he'd probably be missing limbs by now.

He didn't know what to do. The person wasn't harming him, so the situation didn't really warrant him throwing them off, even though they were making him unduly nervous. He kept as still as he possibly could to avoid more contact with the mystery person but it didn't seem to work because they seemed to be a restless sleeper, wiggling and mumbling in their sleep. He almost sighed with relief as he heard a noise at the window and his favourite annoyance, Pakkun, slipped into the room.

"Get this person off me," he whispered to the pug, who just sat down and laughed at him.

"Why should I?" Pakkun said, scratching behind his ear with his hind foot. "It's actually kind of cute."

Kakashi scowled. "You're my summon. You're supposed to obey me."

"Maa," Pakkun said, mocking his master, "I just don't feel like it today."

"At least tell me it's not Shizune," Kakashi said with a sigh. He wished, not for the first time, that Pakkun had been born a Labrador. Now _those_ were supposed to be loyal dogs.

Pakkun walked around Kakashi's head to look at the mysterious cuddler and snorted. "Well, it's definitely not Shizune-san, but I think you're still going to have a hard time peeling him off."

The mysterious cuddler mumbled something about ice cream, tightened his hold on Kakashi's waist and buried his face in his neck. Kakashi groaned. "Pakkun, do _something_ or I'll never buy you steak again."

The ninken huffed. "Don't you know that threats aren't the way into people's hearts? You're supposed to give rewards for good deeds, not deal out punishment for bad ones."

"Well you're not a person, are you?" Kakashi snapped. "You're just a damn stubborn useless dog who never listens."

Pakkun stared at him for a long minute, the words hanging maliciously in the air between them. "Oh my," he said sarcastically. "Looks like this mate thing really is upsetting you. Well, this stubborn, useless dog is going to go somewhere where he's wanted." Then he turned and hopped back out the window.

Kakashi groaned. He didn't need Pakkun mad at him right now, he was having enough trouble with everything else. He hadn't meant to be so sharp with the dog but he couldn't help it. His world was being turned upside down and all that damned pug would do was laugh at him.

"S'alright," the cuddler mumbled and Kakashi resisted the urge to smack whoever it was in the face. It wasn't alright, and he couldn't wait to be back on missions and away from crazy kunoichis and strange men who thought it was alright for them to climb into his bed uninvited.

"Kakashi-san?" The voice came from the other side of the room and sounded bleary with sleep. "Who are you talking to?"

"Just a stupid bratty dog," Kakashi said with a sigh.

"Oh." Iruka sat up and rubbed his eyes. "What are you talking about?"

"The person attached to my back," Kakashi said blandly.

Iruka smiled. "Oh, okay." He ran his fingers through his hair a couple of times and then paused. "Wait, what?"

"I have a visitor and he won't let go of me," Kakashi explained. "Maybe you could get him to go away?"

"Huh?" Iruka stood up and walked over to his futon and Kakashi noticed he was wearing an oversized t-shirt with pajama bottoms pattered with little – were those dolphins? Even if the chūnin saved him from his bedmate he didn't think he had it in him to not tease the guy about his pajamas.

Iruka noticed him looking and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Anko bought them for me and she sneaks into my apartment every other night to make sure I'm still wearing them. I don't ever want to find out what will happen if she comes in and I'm not. Besides, they're actually kind of comfortable."

Kakashi nodded and took back his earlier thought. Anko was more than a good enough reason to wear ridiculous pants to bed. "Maa, could you get him off me?"

Iruka looked and seemed to notice the person clinging to his roommate for the first time. Then he _giggled._ "Kakashi-san, you know that's actually kind of cute."

"It's not cute, get him off," Kakashi growled. The cuddler rubbed his face on Kakashi's shoulder. "_Now._"

Iruka smiled. "You don't like cuddles, Kakashi-san?"

Kakashi scowled, and Iruka held up his hands. "Okay, okay. I'll deal with him." He walked back over to his side of the room and rummaged around in a large black bag, eventually pulling out a feather.

Kakashi stared at it dubiously. "What are you going to do with that, and why on earth did you bring feathers with you?"

Iruka shrugged, returning to crouch over him. "The feathers are for something Tsunade has planned for a couple of days time. The reason I've got one now is because 'Tetsu is extremely ticklish."

"Kotetsu?" Kakashi stared at him. "That little monkey cameraman is in my bed, hugging me?"

"I'm afraid so," Iruka said with a smile. "But don't worry about it too much, it takes a lot to wake him when he's drunk and he went out with Tsunade-sama last night. He won't remember any of this. He probably came in the wrong room and thought you were Izumo."

Kakashi blinked, confused. "I thought he was straight?"

"Oh, he is." Iruka frowned. "I think. 'Zumo and 'Tetsu have a weird relationship. They're not quite lovers but they're not really just friends either. I don't know how to describe it."

"I don't think I want to know," Kakashi said, closing his eyes. "Can we get this over with?"

"Don't look so put out," Iruka said, "He's not that bad."

"Just do it," Kakashi groaned. "I don't share my bed with _anyone_."

Iruka crouched down and swiped the tip of the feather down Kotetsu's side. Kotetsu twitched, but didn't let up his hold. "Not even the people you sleep with?" Iruka asked.

"Nobody sleeps with me," Kakashi repeated. "Just because I have sex with someone doesn't mean I want to wake up with them."

Iruka stared at him with an unreadable expression in his eyes before tickling Kotetsu with the feather again. "You'd be surprised, then," he said quietly, "At how nice it is to wake up next to somebody."

"In my current experience," Kakashi said, his eyes flicking to the chūnin currently attached to him, "It's really not all that great."

Iruka chuckled. "It helps if it's someone you care about." He put the feather down in favour of jabbing Kotetsu in the ribs. The sleeping chūnin jumped and rolled over, whacking him in the face with the back of his hand. Iruka grabbed the errant hand and growled, "'Tetsu."

Kotetsu slowly half-opened one eye and flung both his arms around Iruka's neck, making him fall over backwards. "'Ruka," he slurred happily.

Iruka swore, surprising Kakashi with just how colourful an academy teacher's vocabulary could be, and struggled to sit up. "I'm taking you to Izumo and he can look after you."

Kotetsu buried his face in Iruka neck. "'Zumo will be mad," he whined.

"Well, he should be mad," Iruka pointed out. "If I take you to him now he can yell at you while you're still drunk and it won't be so bad."

He lifted the chūnin away from Kakashi without waiting for an answer and dragged him out of the room. Kakashi lay where he was, staring at the roof. He felt kind of cold now that Kotetsu's body heat had been taken away from him.

Iruka was back quickly, shaking his head and muttering about stupid chūnins and their stupid drinking habits. He glanced at his bed, then out the window, then at Kakashi. "I'm never going to be able to get back to sleep now. Do you want some tea?"

Kakashi nodded and Iruka disappeared again, returning sometime later with two steaming mugs which he placed on the dresser. Kakashi sat up to take one and Iruka burst out laughing. The jōnin scowled and crossed his arms over his chest defensively. "What?"

"You have absolutely no right to mock me about my pajamas when you're wearing _that_," Iruka said, mirth dancing in his eyes.

Kakashi looked down at himself. His shirt was forest green with the words 'Eternal Rival!' emblazoned in fluorescent orange on the front. He shrugged. "When Gai hand-makes you a gift, you accept it. Trust me when I say that his 'Manly Tears of Sorrow' are a thousand times worse than his 'Manly Tears of Joy.' Even being 'hip' can't get you out of wearing his t-shirts."

Iruka laughed. "And there's no one more 'hip' than you, right? But seriously, how do you sleep in it? It's so bright it's like a night light and – is that glitter?"

The orange text was indeed sparkling, and Kakashi nodded. "It's not so bad once you're used to it. I usually have enough blankets so it doesn't shine through."

Iruka smiled and they lapsed into a comfortable silence, sipping tea and watching the sun slowly climb into the sky out the window. Eventually he stood up and stretched, yawning. "You should probably get changed, unless you want the whole world to see you wearing that shirt. Gai'll probably be stoked, and then you'll get soaked in Manly Tears of Joy."

Kakashi stared at him. "The whole world?"

Iruka shrugged. "Izumo gets extremely cranky when he's got a hangover, and he'll be worse today because he has to deal with hung-over Kotetsu as well. He'll probably be in here soon enough because I was the one who dumped 'Tetsu on him. And, well, he's got the camera and the bets on this competition have reached Suna."

"Iruka," Kakashi said quietly, "Do you have a bet on who I'll end up marrying?"

"No," Iruka said shortly. "I think this whole competition is quite disgusting. I can understand that the Elders want to make sure the Hatake name continues, but a game show is the wrong way to go about it. I'm sorry, I just – you seem to be a man who values privacy and by doing this she's exploiting you. It's wrong."

A small ball of warmth unfurled in Kakashi's chest. Iruka was so self-righteous and opinionated in a world where ninja were required to have that sort of thing stomped out of them. He was glad that this man had been chosen to be Naruto's first teacher, to be the one to guide and raise him.

Iruka turned away from him, his anger vanishing as fast as it had appeared, and pulled out clothes for himself and Kakashi from the large black bag. "Here. Apparently we're going to the beach today so you should probably put some sunscreen on."

"There are no beaches around here," Kakashi pointed out.

Iruka shrugged. "I know, but that's what the itinerary says."

"I don't do beaches," Kakashi said flatly.

"Well, you do today," Iruka countered cheerfully. "It's not like you have to go swimming or anything. You just have to show up."

Kakashi ran his fingers along the edge of his mask thoughtfully. The truth was that he didn't know how to swim. Shinobi walk on top of the water, they don't need to know how to go through it. It embarrassed him that he couldn't, because he'd always prided himself on knowing how to do everything better than everyone else. And from the way Iruka was talking _he_ obviously knew how to swim. "I guess I'll get Pakkun to come. It might make him less mad at me."

Iruka smiled. "You should bring your whole pack. I know that they're ninken and not just pets, but even ninken need to have fun sometimes, right?"

The words reminded Kakashi of just how much his pack had taken to Iruka and he frowned. "I'm not sure that's wise."

"I think it's a really good idea, Iruka-sensei," Pakkun said in his gruff voice, climbing in through the window again. "Bull would really like to see you again, especially."

Iruka looked at Pakkun, then grinned at Kakashi. "See? Even Pakkun thinks it's a good idea."

Kakashi glared at his ninken, a silent threat for him to shut up. "Iruka-sensei, what did you say to Bull yesterday?"

"Hmm?" Iruka looked confused. "Oh, after Anko let her snakes out? I told him that everyone is afraid of something and it's okay to be afraid, but he shouldn't be too scared because you and the rest of the ninken will always be there for him."

"What are you afraid of, Iruka-sensei?" Kakashi asked.

"I'm afraid of a lot of things, Kakashi-san," Iruka said softly. "But I don't show that because my students depend on me. You should get dressed. Izumo gets up at nine thirty every day, hangover or no." He picked up his own clothes and carried them into the bathroom.

Iruka was right, like always, as Izumo stalked grumpily into the room at nine thirty-seven without knocking. Kakashi was pulling at his shorts irritably. They were made of a weird, almost plastic-y material and he felt rather exposed. He was showing a lot more skin than he was used to. He was still wearing Gai's shirt because the top Iruka had handed him was made of an even worse material than the shorts and looked like it would cling to him.

Izumo didn't even comment on Gai's apparent artistic ability, instead directing his camera at Kakashi's face and saying sourly, "When you kick someone off the show or keep them on you need to explain your choices."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Why? Because it will change the odds of who to bet on?"

Izumo scowled. It was rather frightening, considering how mild-mannered he usually was. "I don't care about those stupid bets," he said, gritting his teeth. "I just want this show to be made _properly._"

Kakashi smirked behind his mask. "I see. Well, Anko left on her own, so that automatically counted her out. In any case, Bull was bitten by a snake when he was just a pup and nearly died, so there'd have been a bit too much friction there anyway. And Tsume – Tsume should have thought first before she insulted one of my pack. Inuzuka's are a bit too… spontaneous for me."

"And who is your favourite so far?" Izumo prodded.

Kakashi scowled down at Pakkun, who was looking up at him with his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth lazily. He could practically feel the pug thinking _Iruka _at him. He thought carefully. "Well, I have been impressed with Hyūga Hinata," he said slowly. "She is very beautiful and behaves just like a young kunoichi should. There is a strong spirit behind her quiet demeanor." He arched his eye into a smile. "Now get out. I need to get ready to leave."

Izumo backed slowly out of the door. The tone was pleasant enough, but the chakra leaking from Kakashi was rather threatening.

Iruka watched from the bathroom doorway. "Hinata?" he exploded as soon as Izumo had gone. "You're seriously considering marrying Hinata? What about Naruto?" He stalked towards the jōnin, his hands clenched and his whole body shaking with rage.

Kakashi didn't move. "Have you ever met Hinata's father?" he asked indifferently.

Iruka scowled. "What does that old-fashioned chauvinistic fool have to do with this?"

Kakashi's lips quirked into a smile. "Ah, so you _have_ met him."

"Again, why does that matter?"

"I told you that he is the only reason Hinata is in this competition, right?" Kakashi said.

Iruka narrowed his eyes. "Yes, and you also agreed that you were too old for her." He lunged at Kakashi who caught him easily and maneuvered him so that he was holding the chūnin at arms length, his hands around Iruka's upper arms.

Kakashi stared hard at his eyes and found himself wishing that someone, anyone, had felt the burning desire to protect him the way Iruka's eyes were burning for his ex-student. "Iruka-sensei," he said quietly, his words like cold, smooth bullets into the chūnin's mind, "What do you think Hiashi would have done if I had voted out Hinata yesterday?"

He watched as all the fight slowly deflated out of the teacher and Iruka sagged onto his knees. "I am sorry, Kakashi-san," he whispered. "I shouldn't have doubted you. You were just protecting her."

Kakashi found he didn't quite know what to do. He liked the fiery, self-assured version of the chūnin much more than this apologetic washed-out shell. He patted Iruka on the back awkwardly, giving a closed-eye smile. "Maa, don't worry Iruka. It is admirable that you go so far to protect your students. But, do I have to wear this clingy thing?" He held up the shirt Iruka had handed him.

Iruka looked up and gave a small smile. "It's a rash shirt, Kakashi-san. You can wear it in the water. But no, you don't have to wear it. I just thought that all your masks were connected to shirts so I got you one."

Kakashi pointed to his face. "My sleeping mask is separate."

"Well, if you wear that then there's nothing to stop you from going shirtless," Iruka said, and then turned pink. "I mean, well, you don't have to wear the rash shirt. You can wear Gai's shirt if you want."

"No way," Kakashi said, slipping past Iruka to have a look in his big black bag of stuff. "The sunlight would bounce off this garish orange and either blind me or burn me."

He bent over, giving Iruka a good view of the large orange thumbs up Gai had sewn onto the back of the shirt. "Ah, this'll do." He pulled out a plain white t-shirt with the Konoha symbol on the front and a bandana that somewhat matched the shorts he was wearing.

Kakashi tied the bandana over the bottom half of his face and pulled his sleeping mask out from underneath it, and then slipped Gai's shirt over his head to replace it with the white one. When he turned back around again Iruka's face had gone from pink to red, and Tsunade was standing in the doorway.

"Are you ready yet, Princess?" Tsunade said sweetly. She looked scarily sober. "Everyone is waiting for you two. I was hoping Iruka-sensei would be a good influence on you but apparently it seems to be working the other way around."

Iruka looked thoroughly chastened but Kakashi just grinned. "Maa, got to look my best for the ladies."

Tsunade scowled. "Get your ass to the beach, brat."

**o0o**

The beach turned out to be a large lake in an even larger clearing in the Eastern side forest that Kakashi was certain he'd never seen before. It took using his sharingan to wipe out the younger nin's hangover before Izumo would tell him that Naruto had formed a crater using several giant rasengans and Tenzō had filled it with water. Somehow Tsunade had also managed to get Gaara to shift an absurd amount of sand over to create the rest of her makeshift seashore.

"Alright everybody! Welcome to day three of The Shinobi Bachelor!" Tsunade yelled, drawing the attention of Kotetsu and Izumo who pushed cameras into her face. Everyone else was staring at Kakashi, who dug his toes into the sand and thought about just how annoying a surface the shifting layers of gold would be to fight on. He didn't like being the centre of attention and he wished they would all focus on Tsunade instead, seeing as she _wanted_ the attention.

"To start with, we will be playing a game of beach ball tag!"

Hinata hesitantly put her hand up. "Ano, Tsunade-sama? What is that?"

Hiashi had put his daughter in a flowing, knee-length sundress and Kakashi realized that he hadn't lied to Izumo this morning. He truly did think that the Hyūga heiress was pretty.

"Kakashi is going to talk to you one-on-one today. You each get one of these," Tsunade pulled out six medium-sized beach balls of different colours from Kami-knows-where, "And the first one to hit him with their beach ball gets to talk to him first, and possibly for the longest."

Kakashi groaned inside his head. Did she have to make this into a chase? Although, he mused, he could just teleport somewhere and hide for the day, then he wouldn't have to talk to any of them.

"No ninjutsu. No taijutsu. No genjutsu. And Kakashi, no dōjutsu. This is simply an exercise in speed," Tsunade added.

Well, there went that plan. Tsunade tossed a ball to each of the women. "Go."

Kakashi just stared, struck dumb at the sight of six women advancing on him predatorily. He suddenly had a large flash of sympathy for Sasuke. Shaking off his shock he ran straight out onto the lake, only to hear Tsunade yelling, "The beach is the boundary. Don't you dare go into the trees, brat!"

Kakashi skidded to a stop on the water. This arena was much too small. He'd rather put a lot more distance between himself and these particular predators. He found it wasn't all that hard to keep away from them, although he'd probably find it a little more difficult after he'd been running for a while. He never did have much stamina. That was Naruto's forte.

It was almost laughable, but this exercise made him think back to when he'd first accepted team seven. The kunoichi would do a lot better job of catching him if they worked as a team, but they were all out for themselves and wouldn't even dream of such a concept.

He was getting complacent, and he knew it was a bad idea but he couldn't really care less. He just didn't have it in him to take the women as a serious challenge, and he'd eventually have to let someone catch him anyway.

Kakashi was contemplating whether it would be a good idea to rig the competition and get hit by someone that he wanted to talk to, maybe Kurenai, she'd brought Hiruzen along and he'd like to talk about Asuma, when something wet gently touched his back. He turned around to see Yūgao staring at him with a blank expression on her face, beach ball pressed solidly against him. "I win," she said tonelessly.

Kakashi smiled, and almost laughed at himself for his stupidity. "So you did." Yūgao was ANBU, and her specialty was speed. He'd forgotten, mainly because she hadn't been trying up until now. "Why did you wait until now to catch me?"

"I don't really have any desire to talk to you, Kakashi," she said evenly. "I've already told you everything you need to know about me. But nobody else was going to be able to catch you, so I did. It was a pointless exercise."

"Maa, well it looks like you'll have to talk to me now, Yūgao," Kakashi said. It surprised him a little that he actually did want to get to know her better. Her standoffish don't-care attitude was making him curious, and as she didn't seem to want anything from him it seemed that she was quite a good option to mother his child. However he didn't intend to let anyone that close to him before he knew more about them and Yūgao remained, for the most part, a mystery.

He liked that she didn't try to touch him. Kakashi had a firm personal space boundary and Yūgao was aware of that and respected it, unlike Shizune who really should know better. They walked calmly back to the shore together, the rest of the kunoichi trailing behind unhappily.

He stepped onto the sand just in time to hear a mournful Bisuke saying, "I'm sorry you're not a girl," to a startled Iruka.

Kakashi scowled at Pakkun. "Who said you could bring them here?" The sly dog had summoned the rest of his pack, and they were currently all very close to or on top of his nervously smiling roommate.

"Iruka-sensei thought it would be nice, and so do I," Pakkun said.

The dog was mocking him. "And since when did you take orders from someone other than me?" Kakashi growled.

"It wasn't an order," Pakkun said smugly. "It was a suggestion. And I don't have to take orders from you. It was my own choice to do it."

Kakashi sighed. "Well then it's your responsibility to save him from his own idiocy." He waved a hand in the direction of the dog pile that he assumed Iruka was buried underneath, as he could no longer see him. "If Bull squashes him to death you know you'll be answering to Naruto, right?"

Pakkun glanced in the direction of the pileup and shuddered. The boisterous blond grated on his nerves and he really did not want to see more of him than absolutely necessary. "I'll make sure he survives," he said gruffly, and moved away with a gait that could almost be described as a waddle. Kakashi grinned. It was always good to have new things to blackmail the arrogant pug with, and now he had a reason to withhold steak.

"Yūgao is the winner of the competition!" Tsunade crowed, suddenly _there_ along with her camera moneys Izumo and Kotetsu. Kakashi wondered inanely if the footage was being shown live or if they were editing, because he really didn't think Yūgao appreciated the fact that her breasts were probably the only visible subject matter captured by Kotetsu's lens. He remembered waking up in the younger man's arms and hoped more than a little that she would find a way to get him back.

"Ooh, young love," Tsunade swooned. Both Kakashi and Yūgao stared at her blankly. "Look at that," she grinned, "You're perfect for each other. Matching expressions and all."

Kakashi blinked twice, turned to Yūgao and indicated that they should leave by tilting his head slightly. She nodded briefly and they both disappeared.

Tsunade fumed. "Find them!" she snapped at Izumo. "We need to capture every part of this so that the odds on the bets are kept up to date." She nodded to Kotetsu. "You stay here and record how these ladies interact with each other. I'm hoping for a cat fight."

Kotetsu grinned wider than the Cheshire cat. Izumo had to go chasing the weird one-eyed jōnin through the forest and he got to relax on the beach with six hot chicks in bikinis. He was in heaven.

"Oi! Get out of there!"

One look at Tsunade's red face and tightly drawn together eyebrows told him that the Hokage's sizable bust had _not_ been a good place to start his explorations of his new task. "Ach, sorry Hokage-sama," he muttered and sidled away.

**o0o**

Yūgao was running her fingers through her long purple hair, untangling knots mindlessly. Her legs swung freely over one side of the branch. She smiled at Kakashi, and she really did have a sweet smile. He couldn't recall ever seeing it before. "I guess this is pretty horrible for you, huh?"

Kakashi shrugged, leaning back against the trunk of the tree and dangling one leg over the edge of the branch. "It wouldn't be as bad if it wasn't so much a competition. I don't understand how you're supposed to get to know someone when there's someone else there the whole time waving a camera in your face."

It was nice in the forest, he decided. Beaches weren't really for him, too bright and sunny and they reminded him of Naruto a little too much. Besides, he didn't really have the complexion for it, not like Iruka did. That guy was probably born at the beach. He smiled wryly and shook his head to rid himself of any more stray thoughts about his roommate.

"I know. It's not very… personal." Yūgao looked contemplative.

"Maa, but we have personal space to talk now, ne?" Kakashi said, cocking his head to one side and crinkling his eye into a happy curve. "Now you can tell me how much you really hate my guts."

Yūgao laughed softly. "Kakashi, if anything, that's what draws me to you. Your strength - not physically, but in how you're so in control of your emotions. I'm still waiting for the ANBU leader who can run a team as decisively and effectively as you did as Hound."

"Ah, that's right. You're swapping ANBU for a baby. That's a pretty radical change. Do you know anything about babies?" He wanted to assume she did, because she was female, but she was also ANBU and the traits that came with that were light years apart from what was expected from a new mother.

"I'd have nine months to become a civilian again. With your child they wouldn't let me anywhere near a mission, just in case. The boredom alone will make sure I study motherhood properly." Yūgao stared out into the forest, looking but not seeing, face blank. "The truth is, if I don't have a child I'll probably die."

Kakashi studied her profile carefully and wondered aloud at her statement. "Why would you die?"

She turned to him, and he recognized the sorrow etched into the lines of her face that aged her because he'd seen exactly the same thing in his bathroom mirror countless times.

"My parents are dead," she said in a toneless voice. "My brother is dead, and all my friends are dying. If not on the battlefield, their blood spilling, then it's their hearts that are dying." A pained expression flitted across her face, but she restrained it quickly. "I know because my heart died with Hayate. He died simply because some guiltless Suna dignitaries lusted after more power and signed up with the wrong person to get it. I signed up with ANBU so I could protect my village and the ones I love. But the village didn't protect the ones I love, and I no longer want to fight for it."

Kakashi nodded. Everything she said made so much sense it hurt.

"I can't help but feel that if I have a child I will once again have something to fight for, someone to protect and love and then maybe I will get back something of what I once was. Is that so terrible?" She gazed at Kakashi imploringly, and then quickly shuttered the expression out of her eyes. "I am sorry. I don't have any intention of guilt tripping you into choosing me. Whether you do or do not is of no importance in the basic sense; there are plenty of shinobi out there willing to have one-night-stands. This is my preferred way because I know I can trust you, but regardless I will get my baby."

Kakashi had no idea what to say to that and was saved from answering by the appearance of a disgruntled looking Izumo. "We already had this conversation this morning, Kakashi-san," he said grumpily. "This show needs to be done _properly._ That means you have to let us see how you interact with each kunoichi."

Kakashi stared at him in surprise. He couldn't recall the mild-mannered chūnin ever confronting him – or any other jōnin for that matter – on anything. He was the sort of person who respected those who were above him in rank and treated them accordingly, unlike Iruka who seemed content to yell at everybody, be they pre-genin or sannin. _He must really like his reality television,_ Kakashi thought wryly.

"It's alright. We've finished talking," Yūgao said quietly, with a nod towards Kakashi. "I'm going to go back to base and practice kata. Good luck with the rest of your suitors."

Kakashi smiled in return. He didn't close his eye but he guessed she'd be able to tell anyway, despite the bandana bridging his nose. You didn't get to ANBU level if you couldn't read people. "I will think about what you said. If it helps any, I understand how you feel."

He said it with absolute sincerity but she just smiled at him warmly before transporting away. "I know, Kakashi. I wouldn't have told you otherwise."

Izumo was staring at him like he expected something. "Well?"

"Well what?" Kakashi stared back blankly.

"Well what were you talking about?"

Kakashi narrowed his eye at the impertinent chūnin. "It was personal."

Izumo just rolled his eyes, seemingly not fazed by his chilly tone. "It's reality T.V, Kakashi-san. _Nothing_ is personal."

"Maa, Izumo-chan," Kakashi said, his voice deathly quiet, "I think you're forgetting who you're talking to."

He didn't get off on threatening people weaker than him but he didn't know how else to get the chūnin off his back. There was no way he was going to tell anyone about how Yūgao felt and he was getting sick of lying. If he was completely honest with himself he wanted someone to open up to who wouldn't let him lie, who would take the truth as it was and not question him further. He'd been squashing down the feelings Yūgao had mentioned for many years, and so far he'd managed to keep convincing himself that the village was worth fighting for. He didn't know how much longer that would last.

"We should go back to the beach," Izumo said quietly, not looking at him.

"Hn." He nodded his agreement and took off in the direction he'd originally come from.

**o0o**

The attitude on the beach seemed a lot more relaxed with Kakashi gone, although there was still an underlying tension in the air. Kurenai, after checking that Iruka could still breathe underneath his dog outfit (the answer: just barely) had retreated to sit in the shallow water at the edge of the lake with baby Hiruzen. Hiruzen stared at the lake with big, round, wondering eyes. He'd never seen so much water before, and he hadn't encountered sand before either, the grainy substance an amusing wonder to his questioning mind. He pummeled the water with his chubby fists, delighting in the spray that this activity evoked, and had to be forcefully stopped from putting the sand in his mouth.

Suzume watched the mother and child with more than a hint of jealousy. She was the same age as the crimson-eyed jōnin, and she had nothing to show for her thirty-one years. She'd been quite content in her quiet life as a chūnin academy instructor, living day to day with her doting chūnin husband, until the day he left on a mission and came back in pieces. She'd tried throwing herself back into teaching, which she'd always loved, but there was still something missing. She made it through the days with the children bright and vibrant and alive all around her but at night… nights were painful for Suzume.

She felt slightly out of place in this competition, a competition she still wasn't sure why she'd entered. Everyone else ranked above her at jōnin, except for the Hyūga child, and she didn't count simply because she was a Hyūga and the prestige that came with that title outweighed completely any barrier of rank. Still, she'd hoped that maybe the famed Copy-nin would look past rank and not see her as just another chūnin who was beneath him. He didn't really seem the arrogant type, even though he was often slightly aloof.

Sighing, she dug her toes viciously into the sand, kicking it up as she walked. She was old to still be a childless chūnin, she knew that, but she'd always been content with her rank. Now she wanted more. She watched Kakashi's ninken running about as if they were just dogs and not brutal tools to be used as weapons. They leapt over Shizune, who was sunbathing, and around Temari, who was building a sandcastle that actually_ looked_ like a castle, tails wagging eagerly as they raced to catch up with a laughing Iruka who was throwing a Frisbee for them.

As far as she knew he was in the same position as her, and she wondered how he could look so carefree and happy. He was stretching into his late twenties, worked fulltime at the academy and had had no relationships that she could remember. Still he seemed to care for each of the academy students as if they were his own children, teaching them patiently even when they got things wrong again and again. She'd asked him once where he found the patience, particularly to deal with Naruto, and he'd just smiled and said that once upon a time he'd been one of the ones who needed that kind of help, and having someone just stay there to repeat things without looking at you as if you're stupid helps more than whatever is actually being taught.

The brunet collapsed onto the sand, his breath coming out in short puffs of laughter, and all eight dogs clambered over him to lick his face like large untrained puppies. "Off, off!" he gasped, still laughing. "It's too hot to have you all over me." He shoved at the giant mass of fur pinning him down and surprisingly it parted, allowing him to sit up. "Okay, I'm going for a swim now. It's hot and I'm sweating obscenely." Iruka made a face.

Kakashi was surprised to see his ninken acting like puppies. They were never that carefree, not even with him. He was even more surprised when Iruka walked over to a quietly contemplative Hinata and asked her if she wanted to swim with him. He obviously didn't do it because he wanted the company – eight talking dogs is probably enough by anyone's standards – but because the girl looked so alone sitting there on the beach by herself, staring desolately out over the water. When Hinata said politely, though stuttering slightly, that she couldn't swim Kakashi expected that to be the end of it. However Iruka pulled her up anyway, saying, "Then now is a good time to learn!" and towing her gently down towards the waters edge.

His unabashed staring was cut short as the Hokage and her ample cleavage leaned in to block his view. "You're not allowed to disappear, brat," she scolded, crossing her arms over her chest. "You have to talk to the girls where I can see you. No running off for nookie."

Kakashi shook his head and averted his eyes from the Hokage's breasts, catching sight of Suzume attempting to tie ribbons around a squirming Bisuke's ears. "Who am I supposed to talk to next?"

Tsunade shrugged. "Pick whoever you want. I think Shizune's asleep, though."

Kakashi "Hmm"ed and then stalked over to the kunoichi currently torturing his youngest pup, plucking him out of her arms. Bisuke barely refrained from licking his face in relief.

Suzume looked up in surprise, blushing a little. "Kakashi-san!"

"Ninken object to being treated as playthings, Suzume-san," Kakashi said, crouching down and putting the dog on the ground in front of him. Bisuke nodded heartily in agreement before scratching at the ribbon on his ear with his back foot. Kakashi reached out and, with long, deft fingers, untied the offending material. Bisuke shot him a grateful look and then bounded away.

Suzume stared at the sand between her feet, digging into it with her toes. "I'm sorry. I know that, I just…" She looked up, gazing longingly at Kurenai who was now waist deep in water, flying a giggling Hiruzen around like an aeroplane. "I just wanted something like that," she ended softly.

"You want a family? I thought you were looking for excitement and change?" Kakashi asked, also watching Kurenai. She seemed so… connected to her child. He didn't think he could ever do what she was doing to a baby. He'd be too nervous about dropping him.

"I thought I did," Suzume said quietly. "But I guess I realized that what I really want is not to be alone anymore."

"Maa, you know I'm really not the best person for that though, right?" Kakashi said gently. "Gai says that even when I'm here I'm not here."

"I guess that's true," Suzume acknowledged. "But still, just having someone around to talk to sometimes and making a home, complete with a baby… it just sounds so warm."

"I'm not a warm person, Suzume-san," Kakashi said. "I kill people for a living. I don't think I can be what you want."

The kunoichi sighed and ran her fingers through her wavy black hair slowly. "I guess I already knew that," she said quietly. "Deep down."

"Don't give up hope though," Kakashi said, thinking of how far and fast Yūgao had sunk. "There are many other shinobi looking for a relationship out there."

Suzume smiled tiredly. "Thank you for being honest. I didn't really think you'd be interested in a chūnin like me anyway."

Kakashi frowned. "There's nothing wrong with being a chūnin. I just don't think you'd get what you're looking for from me."

"I appreciate that," Suzume said softly.

Kakashi scrubbed the back of his head with a hand awkwardly. "Maa, well, I should probably talk to someone else, seeing as I won't get to leave until I've interrogated everyone."

"Yes, well, good luck with finding a partner," Suzume said, attempting a smile. She hadn't been expecting to be chosen, not really, but it still hurt to have her dream denied so blatantly.

Kakashi wondered where to go. Temari seemed very focused on her sandcastle, which was starting to reach life size proportions, and he was almost afraid to disturb her. Kurenai was rocking baby Hiruzen lightly and he didn't really want to interrupt the mother-son moment. Hinata was flailing around in waist deep water, Iruka beside her saying something calming with his arms under her stomach, helping her keep afloat. Kakashi wondered if the chūnin would have done the same for him if he'd told him he couldn't swim. Probably. He'd been almost afraid to tell him because he'd thought the man would laugh at him, but it looked like that had been a ridiculous fear. Iruka didn't laugh _at_ anyone, only with them.

He sighed and turned to his last option. Shizune had fallen asleep, a large straw hat covering her face, and it looked like she was getting quite sunburnt. He supposed that it was his duty to wake her up, although he really didn't want to. Kakashi-sama? He didn't think he could handle much of that.

Kakashi walked over and nudged her with his foot anyway, the slight movement making her jump and snatch the hat off her face. She stared up at him with round eyes, still slightly blurry with sleep. "Ka-Kakashi-san?"

"Yo!" He crinkled his eye shut, gritting his teeth beneath the bandana. He could do this.

He wasn't expecting the bright red blush that travelled part way down her chest. "Ano, Kakashi-san. I apologise for my – for my actions the last couple of days. Tsunade-sama invited me into her sake stores for confidence."

Kakashi nodded and flopped down on the sand beside her, but not too close. He didn't really want to be groped. It was nice to know she could still be relatively sane when taken away from the influence of alcohol. He didn't know Shizune all that well but she seemed nice enough, if not a little uptight.

When he didn't say anything Shizune continued. "I really like you. I hope I didn't come on too strong."

Kakashi made a noncommittal noise. He wasn't even going to bother arguing that one.

"I've never seen you wear shorts before. Well, I've never seen you wear anything other than a uniform before, except for yesterday. You look good."

She seemed to be waiting for something so Kakashi started, "Well, I," then faltered, unsure what to do in the face of a blatant compliment. "You look nice too," he said lamely.

Shizune squealed, and Kakashi decided immediately never to compliment her again, insincerely or no. His eardrums would never forgive him. "Thank you, Kakashi-san."

An awkward silence ensued. Kakashi had no idea what to say, so he simply stared out over the water again. He was used to awkward silences. Hinata seemed to be doing better, with a lot less splashing, but she had a nervous air around her. He assumed that was because Bull was sitting on top of the water as close as he could get to Iruka without physically being on top of him and wagging his stump of a tail so hard he was beginning to make waves.

The rest of his pack were sitting on the shore watching the swimming lesson with unconcealed interest, save for Guruko who was exploring the tunnels and parapets of Temari's massive sandcastle and Pakkun, who was slowly picking his was towards him.

"Oi, Kakashi!" the pug called, moving closer. "You're talking to the wrong person."

Kakashi glared at him, knowing he was referring to Iruka. Shizune cast a puzzled glance at Kakashi. "What does he mean?"

"He means 'I'm a stupid pug and I should keep my opinions to myself'," the disgruntled Copy-nin said, scowling.

Pakkun sat down and scratched behind his ear with his back foot. "You know you're supposed to be sucking up to me for how you insulted me this morning, not offending me further, right?"

"Keep out of it, Pakkun. It's none of your business and I don't want your opinion. You're _wrong._"

The pug took on a serious expression. "Look, pup, I've lived for a lot longer than you and I'm that much wiser. All we want is for you to be happy, so just think about it, alright?"

Both Kakashi and Shizune followed his gaze to see Iruka twisting the water out of his hair, tiny beads of the clear liquid flicking onto his toned body and running down the paths made by the defined muscles of his chest.

"You think Hinata is his soulmate?" Shizune asked the pug disbelievingly.

Kakashi hadn't even noticed the young kunoichi who was beside Iruka, bending down to pat Bisuke. The little dog seemed more at ease with her gentle touch than the squeezing of Suzume. Pakkun snorted a laugh, and addressed his master. "Just think about it."

Kakashi sighed. "You're not going to give it up, are you? Why are you so sure about this?"

"It's not my place to say. You'll figure it out eventually on your own."

"Whom is Pakkun referring to? Does Hinata have the ninken's approval to get into Kakashi's pants? Are you thinking of changing your bet?" Tsunade cut in, bouncing in front of the camera. Kakashi hadn't forgotten that Izumo was there, but he had been trying to ignore the man. It irritated him to be recorded all the time and to a certain extent made him nervous. "You know that it's okay to get all close and cosy with the girls, right Kakashi?" Tsunade asked. "Go ahead and kiss them, it makes it all the more exciting."

Shizune looked much too pleased at that prospect, and Kakashi inched away a little, holding his hands up palms forward reflexively. "It's okay, I'm fine with just talking."

Shizune looked almost as disappointed as Tsunade, who sighed heavily. "You're not very good at this, are you? I should have tried it out with Genma."

Kakashi grinned, his eye curving closed. "Maa, he'd make you enough babies to repopulate a clan twice over. It's too bad the world doesn't need more Shiranui's."

Tsunade shuddered. "One senbon sucking sex-fanatic is quite enough, thank you."

"He is cute though," Shizune put in helpfully, then shot a worried glance at Kakashi. "Though not as cute as Kakashi-san."

Kakashi was saved from having to formulate an appropriate reaction by a gurgle and a high-pitched yelp. Pakkun, though used to the imprudence of young pups, had not been subjected to the attentions of a human child since Kakashi was small. And human pups had a weapon that normal pups did not; fingers and opposable thumbs.

"I'm so sorry, Pakkun," Kurenai said hopelessly, doing her best to detach her child from the ninken's tail. "He's never seen a ninken before."

Hiruzen clung on desperately with the determination all children seem to possess, intensified all the more by his shinobi parentage. "Mine!" he claimed proudly, and let go of Pakkun's tail in exchange for wrapping his chubby arms around the shocked pug's neck.

"I'm not a toy, pup," Pakkun said gruffly.

Hiruzen gave a squeal of delight and rubbed his face on Pakkun's ear. Pakkun huffed grumpily, but he couldn't help but smile a little. Kurenai was twisting her hands together as if she had no idea what to do, and Kakashi just looked amused. Watching Hiruzen he was even more certain that he didn't want a child. The kid was cute, yes, but he just seemed like a bundle of trouble. The steely glint of determination in his eye reminded Kakashi of Asuma, the colour the same warm brown.

He was interested in this kid for the sole reason of seeing exactly how much of his old friend had come through in his child. To become a father himself seemed a daunting prospect, particularly if he was required to _hold_ the squirming bundle. How on earth were you supposed to teach something so small all the things it needs to know to get bigger? His own father hadn't done a particularly good job with him, and he didn't really think he'd be able to do any better. He didn't want to accidentally train a perfect fighting machine. Nobody deserved a childhood like his.

He stretched out a hand experimentally and to his surprise the kid grabbed onto it, apparently as interested in him as he was in Pakkun. Hiruzen's hand was warm and oh-so-tiny, all of his fingers wrapping around one of Kakashi's. A gurgle and a couple of faltering steps later and Hiruzen was settled in Kakashi's lap, one chubby fist clenched around part of Pakkun's vest to drag the unwilling dog with him. Kakashi looked down at him uneasily. Hiruzen looked back at him, smiling brightly and reaching toward his face with the hand not holding Pakkun in place.

Kakashi looked at Kurenai, hoping she'd remove the child so he didn't have to figure out what to do with it, but she only smiled at him. "He likes you," she said, and left it at that.

Hiruzen took command of his finger again and brought it too his mouth with the intent to chew. Kakashi drew it back a little, causing the child to frown at it suspiciously. He tried again, his mouth open and ready, and Kakashi pulled back once more. Hiruzen yanked forward. Kakashi tugged back.

"Hiru-chan, stop that," Kurenai scolded, and Hiruzen looked over his shoulder to smile innocently at his mother.

"What's the big deal over here?" Temari called, walking up with Guruko. She seemed irritated that no one had commented on her awesome sandcastle building skills.

Guruko huffed a laugh upon seeing the baby with both Pakkun and Kakashi in his grip. "What pushovers."

Pakkun glared and Kakashi just ignored him. "I'm not actually sure," he said to Temari. "Group huddle?"

"Ah. Hinata-san is not here yet, though," the blonde sand nin pointed out, just as Tsunade called her over to rectify that fact. Hinata said something to Iruka, who smiled and nodded, and then walked over to join them. Iruka stayed where he was, sitting down on the sand and reaching up to scratch Bull behind the ears.

"Tsunade-sama? Is there something wrong?" Hinata looked worried. "What's happening?"

Tsunade scratched the back of her head and looked confused. "I don't actually know. I haven't decided yet." She glanced around the group and made a split second decision. "We're going to have the kicking-people-out-of-the-competition ceremony! Right here, right now."

"But Kakashi-san hasn't talked to all of us yet," Temari protested.

Tsunade waved a hand at her in a dismissive motion. "Pssh. You can talk to him afterwards, if you're still in the competition that is."

Izumo made a growling noise in the back of his throat. "It's called the _Rose Ceremony,_" he said darkly. "And you _can't_ just do it as an impromptu thing."

"Then you figure out how it should be done, smartass," Tsunade retorted. "And bring me my bag. If you really want to give it a smancy name then it won't be called the _Rose Ceremony _any more. Roses are for sissies, not fine kunoichi. Henceforth it shall be called the _Kunai Ceremony._"

Izumo gaped at her. "You're just making this up as you go along, aren't you?"

Tsunade shrugged. "It's not supposed to be a mission, it's supposed to be fun! Oh, except for Kakashi. It's a mission for him. Fun for me, though."

Izumo scowled and stalked off to get her bag, thrusting his camera at Kotetsu who simply stacked it on top of his own and used both to get a detailed full body shot of Shizune who was starting to turn quite red from the sun.

"You need to call Yūgao," Kakashi said.

"I'll go get her," Kotetsu volunteered, "She has really sexy hair."

Tsunade waved him off and made a few hand seals. "No need."

Seconds later Yūgao puffed into existence, kneeling in front of the Hokage. Tsunade prodded her with a bare foot. "You can get up, I only called you so you can participate in the Kunai Ceremony."

Temari watched in amazement. "Can you summon any of your shinobi like that?" she asked, wondering if this was a piece of information Gaara could use for his own troops.

"No. Just the special ones," Kakashi said, and she noticed the glowing ANBU tattoo on Yūgao's right arm as the woman stood. Henge or some sort of genjutsu wrap had previously hidden it, but apparently the summoning didn't allow it to be disguised.

"Okay," Izumo said, returning with the bag, "We're doing this over there." He pointed towards Temari's castle. "Because that's the fanciest setting."

Temari beamed.

Tsunade looked amused. "Alright, Izumo is running this show. Everyone do what he says."

The whole group trooped over to the sculpture, and then just stared. It was the most intricately detailed sandcastle any of them had ever seen. Not that they'd seen many, mind you, living in a forest and all, but even if they had it would still be in the top one percent.

Temari had used her affinity for wind to make delicate slices to shape the sand, a material she was used to utilizing. The technique took a lot of time and skill, but the end result seemed worth it. Kakashi crouched down and studied the pattern on the wall closest to him. It wasn't so much a pattern as a startlingly accurate depiction of a few certain types of flowers.

Remembering they'd had a conversation on Hanakotoba he looked even closer, trying to distinguish the types of flower she'd sculpted. Lavender was easy, the tiger lily, and anemone. He stood up and smiled at the sand nin. "You state a good case. Faithfulness, wealth and sincerity." He couldn't resist having a little bit of fun with her though, not when she blushed like that. "No love?"

Temari shuffled to the side, allowing him to see what he hadn't noticed before, a giant carnation. The folds of the petals looked smooth to the touch, and it was beautifully crafted. He commended her on her choice. Not a rose or a forget-me-not, which meant out-and-out love, but a carnation that could also mean fascination and distinction. He smiled behind the mask. She was diplomatic, if anything.

"Kakashi-san, you stand here," Izumo directed, dragging him to stand in front of the sand carnation, "And all you other ladies stand in a semi-circle this far away. Okay. Not you Hokage-sama, unless you want to be part of the competition."

He must be in his element, Kakashi mused. He'd never seen the chūnin so outspoken before, particularly against jōnin and the Hokage. Who knew that the quiet little chūnin from the mission desk would become a demanding holy terror when given the opportunity to run his own reality show?

"Here." Izumo thrust a small, silky bag into his hands. "Give one of these to each kunoichi you choose to stay, and for each one you need to give a reason. There are five passing tickets in the bag. You should also give the sixth kunoichi a reason for letting her go."

Kakashi wanted to make a fuss about it but with the glare Izumo was giving him he figured it would be in his best interests to play along. He pulled the drawstring of the bag and drew out the first kunai, which apparently translated to 'passing ticket' in Izumo-speak. The weapon was slightly heavier than the ones he was used to, but followed the normal Konoha design. It was, he realized, one of the finest crafted kunai he'd seen in a while. _I really should sharpen mine before my next mission,_ he thought, brow creasing.

There was a small, engraved rose at the widest part of the blade, and the wrapping on the handle was made of red ribbon. For a weapon, it was beautiful. Kakashi thought carefully about who to give the first one to, and decided it would be wise to do his bit to keep the peace between nations. He took the two steps towards Temari and held the weapon out to her, handle outwards, the blade resting on his palm. "If I had a flower for you, it would be a daffodil," he said, deciding to go for broke. It wasn't a lie, although he'd never bother to actually go out and get the flower for her. He did respect her, for her courage and her skill.

Kakashi stepped back, deciding to ignore the way her skin had lit up red. It could be embarrassment or pleasure, but he wasn't bothered with trying to find out which. He pulled out the next kunai, and was relieved to see it was exactly the same as the first. At least they couldn't argue meaning into these. "Yūgao," he said after a moment's thought, stepping forward and handing her the second kunai, "For the end of Tora, and new beginnings."

The third kunai went to Hinata because, "You have a beautifully strong spirit and a kind heart."

The fourth he presented to Kurenai, who had to maneuver carefully to keep it out of Hiruzen's grabbing range. "You are a good mother, and an even better friend," he said simply.

The fifth he struggled with. Suzume knew she had no chance, and by keeping her in the competition he was only really prolonging her misery. But she didn't get all touchy-feely with him, which was nice, and he'd rather get Shizune to leave. On second thoughts that probably wasn't such a good idea. Shizune was rather close to Tsunade, and he didn't know how the Hokage would react to her favourite lackey being thrown out of the competition. She might demand a rematch, and that wouldn't be fun at all.

"Shizune," he said quickly, before he could change his mind, "You are sweet, kind and beautiful."

He thanked his mind profusely for throwing him adjectives that weren't offensive, and turned to Suzume. "I want you to know that I really do hope you find the person who is right for you, even though that person is not me," he said quietly. He turned and flicked a grin at the camera. "And I'm sure there are many Konoha shinobi who would love a partner as intelligent and good-looking as you." He hoped that his recommendation meant enough that she'd have a whole host of shinobi to pick from.

Izumo let out a sigh of relief. "You actually did really well, Kakashi-san," he said, a hint of surprise in his voice. "Although I don't think I understand half of what you meant."

Kakashi shrugged, gave a closed-eye smile and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Maa, underneath the underneath and all that."

Tsunade stepped in front of the camera again, grinning widely. "And so concludes day three of The Shinobi Bachelor! Who's you're favourite kunoichi? Who do you think Kakashi has designs on? Make sure you put money on it! And now, it's sake time!"

Kakashi noticed both Izumo and Kotetsu take a couple of steps backward at the word 'sake' and smiled happily. If they kept that attitude up then there was a good chance he'd wake up by himself in the morning.

_Hanakotoba: the Japanese language of flowers._

_Tora: means Tiger. He is referring to Yūgao's ANBU mask/persona, which is fashioned after a cat._


	4. Chapter 4

**Day Four.**

Much to Kakashi's consternation and Iruka's slightly confused amusement, the ninken decided that they'd like to stay for the duration of the competition. The small room they had been sharing for the past couple of nights suddenly got a lot smaller when eight not-so-small dogs made up their minds that it also belonged to them. The way the dogs flicked their eyes, not blinking, from Kakashi to Iruka then back again in the hopes of seeing _something_ happen was faintly disconcerting to both of the men, and it only stopped when Iruka huffed and said, "I'm tired. Whatever issue it is you have with me, or him, or anything, just work it out between you without staring so much. It's creepy. I'm going to sleep now."

It wasn't too much after that that Bull crept over slowly and huddled up against Iruka's back, taking up at least three quarters of the futon. Iruka didn't say anything, shifting over obligingly. Neither did he say anything when a wet nose nudged his elbow and Bisuke wriggled silently under his arm.

Akino raised his eyebrows and glanced at Kakashi over the rims of his glasses. The silver haired nin just shrugged, crawled into his own bed and faced the wall. He pretended he didn't feel like he'd been abandoned when none of his dogs chose to sleep with him. If they had he would have kicked them out, he didn't like sharing a bed, but still, it was the principle of the thing. And he swore that he _wasn't _jealous when Pakkun told him proudly how nice Iruka's belly rubs were. When he couldn't deny the feeling any longer he was shocked to discover he didn't know who he was more jealous of: Pakkun for getting his belly rubbed, or Iruka for getting Pakkun on his side so quickly. He pretended not to care about either of them.

**o0o**

"Okay girls!" Kotetsu shouted, bursting into the room they were lodging in, "It's Super Secret Confession time!"

Izumo appeared directly behind him and hit him on the head. Hard. He glanced around the room warily to see exactly how much trouble they were in. Lucky for him all five of Kakashi's remaining suitors were fully dressed, but that didn't stop both Temari and Shizune from impaling him to the wall with the ferocity of their death stares. Kurenai looked slightly amused, Hinata was blushing and Yūgao… Yūgao just looked blank, as per usual.

He hastily mumbled an apology for both himself and his friend, who was lying on the floor twitching slightly. "What he means is that we'd like to get camera interviews with you all separately to see how you think the competition is going, what you think of Kakashi-san and what you think of each other."

Temari shifted her glare from Izumo to Kotetsu. "I am _not_ going anywhere for a private talk with that pervert," she growled.

Izumo wondered what on earth his shaggy haired friend had done to inspire that sort of wrath in the sand nin but decided it was best to just let it go. "You can come with me then, if you'd like," he suggested diplomatically. "'Tetsu can interview someone else."

The blonde kunoichi looked him up and down carefully, making him feel uncomfortable, almost as if she was stripping him of his clothes. He almost wanted her to change her mind when she said "I'll trust you, for now."

Izumo coughed a little awkwardly, and then led her out into a smaller room that once might have been a large closet. He motioned for her to sit and sat opposite her nervously. "So, uh, what do you think of Kakashi-san?"

To his surprise her cheeks tinged pink. "He's so much more than I thought he would be, and he understands flowers which is awesome. I originally thought he would be a good partner because of his strength and good standing in Konoha, but he's also really nice."

"So you like him as a person?" Izumo asked. He wasn't so sure about Kakashi's so-called 'niceness', he rather thought the man was just being diplomatic, but he wasn't going to argue with a jōnin kunoichi rapidly turning into a rabid fangirl. He had better survival skills than that.

Temari glanced down at the table in what he would have described as a shy way, if she'd been anyone else. "Oh, yes. He's handsome and intelligent as well."

"Do you think you could be the one he chooses at the end?"

Temari gave a small smile. "I'm not sure, but I really hope so." Then her face took on a scary look of concentration. "You have a bet on who's going to win, right? Who do you think it'll be?"

Izumo shifted in his seat nervously. "I don't think I can really tell you that."

"Please?" Temari smiled at him sweetly, though her voice contained a hint of madness. "You don't have to actually _say_ it, just write it down so I can see."

Izumo tried his best not to think about how she was a foreign jōnin shinobi and he was basically a glorified chūnin who did barely any fieldwork, and failed at it miserably. "Alright," he said grudgingly, "But don't tell anyone else."

He pulled out his official The Bachelor™ notebook and scribbled down a name, tearing the page out and handing it to her. Temari stared at the paper, looked up at Izumo, and then back at the paper. "Are you serious about this?"

Izumo nodded and scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "But don't tell anyone. It'll be embarrassing if it doesn't happen."

Temari smiled. "It's not going to happen. _They_ don't stand a chance. I'm going to be the one who marries Kakashi."

If it were anyone but Kakashi she was talking about he would have believed her. She had that horrible harsh determination in her eye, a look that reminded him unhappily of Shikamaru's mother. Every woman seemed to possess this frightening ability to set their mind to a task and plow through anyone in their way that tried to stop them, usually to prove a point, but some were more adept with it than others. And Temari – well, he'd just say that Temari was definitely a force to be reckoned with.

"Did you want to ask me anything else?" the blonde nin asked pleasantly. Izumo just shook his head, afraid to say anything lest he incur her wrath. "Then I will take my leave."

Izumo followed her out the door, slightly nonplussed, and back to the room where the rest of the kunoichi were waiting. He got back just in time to hear Yūgao saying coldly, "And if you insist on filming my chest again then I will have to insist on breaking your neck." The fact that she said it whilst expressionless was even more chilling, although it didn't seem to be fazing Kotetsu all that much.

"So," Kotetsu said cheerfully, obliviously, "What do you think of Kakashi?"

Yūgao blinked at him. "Kakashi? He understands," she said flatly.

"And are you going to add to that?" he prodded, unwisely in Izumo's opinion.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

Yūgao whirled to face him, and stalked over until she was inches away from his face. "Are you sure that you like your head, pretty chūnin? Because if you keep asking stupid questions I'll detach it from your body."

"Ah. Alright then." Kotetsu cleared his throat nervously. "Who else wants to talk to me?"

The kunoichi stared at him blankly, and Izumo pushed him out of the room. "Go find Kakashi-san and bother him. I'll deal with this."

Kotetsu looked disappointed. "Are you sure? Kakashi doesn't have tits."

Izumo shoved him again. "Exactly. Go."

The dark haired chūnin eventually left, throwing a last longing look over his shoulder as he did so. Izumo made some quick calculations and settled his gaze on the kunoichi he thought was least likely to scare him out of his wits. "Hinata-san, would you mind coming with me?"

Hinata tilted her head down slightly in agreement and followed him passively into the room he'd been in with Temari. She seemed uneasy, so he smiled at her. "What do you think about Kakashi-san?"

Hinata tapped her pointer fingers together in an odd nervous gesture, looking down without seeming to notice what she was doing. "Kakashi-sensei is very nice to me," she said softly.

Again with the niceness. Izumo wondered if there was something he was missing, or if Kakashi actually _was_ nice. It was almost perplexing. "How so?"

"H-how?" The Hyūga Heiress looked up at him, startled, and Izumo decided that though they were very different her eyes were quite beautiful. "Kakashi-sensei didn't treat Naruto differently than anyone else even when people were not nice to him. And he – he says he believes I am strong. And when I look at him I can tell he is telling the truth."

Izumo didn't question it because he had no idea of the extent of the power of the Hyūga's byakugan and for all he knew the bloodline limit allowed her to tell when someone was lying or not. Still, with the strength that Kakashi himself had, it could only be a pick up line, right? "Do you think you can win this competition?"

Hinata smiled shyly at him. "No. But that's okay with me."

Izumo couldn't help but smile back. "Are you enjoying the competition so far?"

"It's nice to see Kurenai-sensei when we're not on a mission," Hinata said softly. "And to see baby Hiru-chan, too. Even if it wasn't a real one, I'd never been to the beach before yesterday. I'd like to go again, with friends."

"Thank you, Hinata-san," Izumo said, standing and holding the door open for her. "That was all I needed from you."

"You're welcome, Izumo-san," Hinata said in her quiet voice, drifting – because he couldn't really call the way she moved walking, it was much too fluid – out the door in front of him.

He talked to Kurenai next, because he had worked next to Shizune since Tsunade had been instated Hokage and he was a little afraid of her Kakashi-obsession. "So, feelings about Kakashi?" he asked.

"Feelings?" Kurenai bounced her child on her knee as she thought, and he squealed in impish glee. "Well, whoever he picks he'll be loyal to, I suppose. That's one trait he's got in abundance. I'd say he's almost old-fashioned in his approach to dating; this must be hell on him. Oh, wait." She paused. "You mean my feelings?"

Izumo nodded.

"He's honest, and sweet. I like him. I'm curious as to what he hides under the mask."

"Do you think you have a chance at winning?"

Kurenai shrugged, and brushed her hair behind her shoulders so it was out of baby Hiruzen's reach. "As much as anyone, I suppose. Kakashi's not in this for love, and he'll come at it like he comes at every other problem he encounters. Analyze from a distance, and then choose the option with the least horrible predicted outcome. His whole life is a mission."

"So you don't really mind, either way?"

"I'm not actually sure what I want," Kurenai said truthfully. "But for now I'm here, and whatever happens, happens."

"And you're enjoying the competition?"

"It's nice to not be going out on missions all the time," Kurenai said, smiling down at the grinning boy on her lap. "I get to spend more time with my son."

"That must be nice for you," Izumo said, looking at the kid slightly dubiously. He didn't think he'd ever want to have children, messy noisy creatures they were. But hey, each to their own as his mother had always said.

Kurenai smiled at him, sensing his disbelief. "It is nice," she asserted. "Was that all you wanted to ask me?"

"Yes, I think that's it." Izumo sighed. "Now I just have to deal with Shizune-san."

"About that," Kurenai said haltingly, "Shizune got a little, uh, burnt while at the beach yesterday. She's hiding and refuses to talk to anyone."

Izumo uttered something about girls and looks. "It honestly can't be that bad, can it?"

Kurenai smiled grimly. "Oh, it can."

And it was.

Shizune sat on her futon with her red knees drawn together, hiccupping and sniffling up a storm. "I can't cry, because it burns," she said despondently. "And everything _hurts._"

Izumo felt at a loss for words. "Aren't you a medical ninja?"

"Yes." Shizune hiccupped, refusing to move her arms from shielding her face. "But I can't do anything about _sunburn._ Shinobi in Konoha are always in the trees, and fight under shade. Kakashi's going to think I'm ugly."

Temari ungraciously threw a pot of ointment with the Suna emblem at her. "It won't make you less red, but it'll stop it from stinging so much," she said.

"Then what's the point?" Shizune wailed. "Kakashi will still see me looking like a l-lobster."

"I'm sure Kakashi-sensei doesn't judge people so much for what they look like, Shizune-san," Hinata said awkwardly, looking to her ex-sensei for advice.

"But he said I was sweet, kind and beautiful," Shizune said mournfully. "I'm not beautiful anymore."

"Well, let your sweet kindness make up for it," Temari said irritably. She thought the Hokage's assistant was being terribly sappy, though she herself would not have wanted Kakashi to see her if she was that colour. "You could always stay inside and not go see Kakashi-san, you know."

Shizune looked at her, and narrowed her eyes. "Fat chance I'm just going to just sit here and let you have him." Determinedly but methodically she started spreading the ointment over her legs.

**o0o**

Kakashi was less than pleased when a shaggy-haired chūnin fell through his window. "What do you want?" he grumbled.

Kotetsu scowled. "It's not like I want to be here. Izumo banned me from talking to the girls. So, what's up?"

"What's up is that we need to leave," Iruka put in. "Tsunade-sama wants us to meet out in the courtyard. Apparently there's some sort of 'special treat' of an activity happening today."

Kakashi narrowed his eye at the chūnin who seemed much too happy for someone awake before noon. "What kind of 'special treat'?" he drawled. "Am I going to hate it?"

Iruka shrugged. "She hasn't told me, but yes, you probably are going to hate it. Because you're a wet blanket who doesn't like anything."

Pakkun, who was currently busy getting hair all over Kakashi's pillow, snorted a laugh.

"I like Icha Icha," Kakashi retorted, feeling mildly put out that the chūnin thought he was a downer and that his supposed favourite nin-dog seemed to agree with him. He wasn't that bad, really. Was he?

Iruka rolled his eyes. "Because porn is such a great thing to like, and to let everyone know you like it."

"It's not porn," Kakashi said defensively. "It's the literary utterings of my esteemed Sensei's Sensei."

Iruka laughed and Shiba snickered, the treacherous cur. "Did you just call Jiraiya-sama _esteemed_? The man's a pervert, even more so than you are."

"Technically, I was calling Yondaime esteemed," Kakashi pointed out. "But yes, Jiraiya-sama also has his redeeming points. You figured that out yourself when you called him -_sama._"

"Gah." Iruka shook his head, sensing he was losing, and badly. "He is respected only because of his great strength, not his literary talent. And definitely not for his attitude towards women."

"He's just appreciating the beauty of women," Kakashi shot back, his mouth moving faster than his brain. "_You_ don't know how to do that, do you Sensei?"

Iruka fumed. "Are you going to turn every conversation into a dig at my sexuality? Because I thought we were past this."

Bull stood a little closer to his new best friend. Bisuke, who had been curled up peacefully at Iruka's feet, actually jumped up and _growled_ at him. Kakashi barred his teeth back. _He_ was the master here.

He didn't even know why he'd said it, but it was too late to take it back now. Personally his opinion of Jiraiya's bathhouse peeking was very similar to Iruka's but he wasn't going to tell him that, not after he'd unwittingly sided with the pervert. He'd just look like a liar.

"Uh, guys?" Kotetsu put in timidly. "I think we're wanted outside. Right, Iruka?"

"Yes. We are," Iruka said shortly, storming out the door.

Kakashi and Kotetsu looked at each other. "Is he usually that angry?" Kakashi asked, unsure whether to be amused or annoyed.

"Well, he's always had a bit of a temper," Kotetsu conceded, "But you seem to bring out the worst in him."

Kakashi shook his head. "Shinobi should not be so emotional." Though in a secret little part of his mind he admired the teacher. Iruka seemed to be the only shinobi who said what he thought, and meant what he said. It was refreshing, somehow. His stupid ninken, however, were not refreshing. They were traitorous mutts, and they would definitely be paying for their transgressions. He put on his best glare, and heightened the intensity for Pakkun and Bisuke. "When this is all over," he said coldly, "All of you are having baths. So you better enjoy the next three days the best you can."

**o0o**

"Okay fellow ninja and ninjettes! Today is going to be the most exciting day of your lives!" Tsunade crowed. Kakashi wondered whether she'd already been into the sake, and if so then it was his duty to the village to release Shizune from the competition so that the Hokage didn't get alcohol poisoning. He very much doubted that this day could be the most exciting day of his life, though he couldn't remember the last time he'd been excited (had he ever?) so anything was possible. He'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

"Today we are going," Tsunade announced slowly, as if she thought her audience was hanging off the edge of their seats waiting for her next words, "To the casino!"

"So you can gamble," Kakashi said flatly. "I should have guessed."

"No, not at all," Tsunade protested. "So _you_ can gamble."

"I don't gamble." Kakashi spoke in the same tone of voice as he had before. "If you gamble with your comrades lives, you're a fool."

Tsunade blinked at him, as if he couldn't be serious. Apparently, he was. "Well, I was going to say that _the girls_ are going to be the ones gambling, not you specifically. I'm giving out an even number of chips to each kunoichi and the one who has the most at the end of the night gets extra time with you. But, seeing as you don't seem to realize it's alright to have a life outside of missions, I'm giving you chips as well."

Kakashi stared at her. "Gambling is a bad habit. It's not something you should introduce to people."

"Lighten up, brat." Tsunade clapped him on the shoulder with a powerful hand, tossing a bag of chips at him. "Oi, Iruka-sensei, you can have some too."

"No, I'm fine," the chūnin protested, but found himself with a handful of chips anyway.

Tsunade happily distributed the rest of her chips to the kunoichi, humming while she did it. "So, the one who wins me the most money gets to have a romantic candlelit lunch with Kakashi at the lovely restaurant on the top floor of the casino."

Kakashi almost rolled his eyes. He didn't do romantic, but even he knew that candlelight was time specific to _dinner_ and not lunch. Kurenai spoke up tentatively. "Tsunade-sama, I won't take Hiru-chan into a casino. Do you know anyone who can look after him?"

Tsunade swung a wild grin to her left, and Kotetsu took two steps back. "Oh, no."

"Oh, yes." He expression got even more feral, if that was possible.

"I don't know how to look after a kid. I want to go to the casino with all the girls," he protested. "Get Iruka to do it, he _likes_ kids."

Iruka, not looking forward to spending the day in a dark casino and slightly apprehensive of what would happen were Kotetsu to be left alone with a child for more than ten minutes, readily agreed.

Tsunade shook her head. "No, no. I want to get that uptight academy sensei drunk and gambling. You will not deprive me of that."

It was Iruka's turn to step back, holding his hands up in front of him in defense. "I'm not getting drunk."

Tsunade pouted, and then grinned again showing all her teeth predatorily. Iruka suddenly felt very, very small. "This is a mission, Iruka-sensei. You _have_ to."

"I'm not sure I really want Kotetsu to look after him, Tsunade-sama," Kurenai said, clutching her baby closely. "Maybe Izumo-san could do it instead?" She looked at the other chūnin hopefully.

"No way," Temari put in. "I'd rather Izumo-san stayed with us. Kotetsu-san is creepy."

"Izumo has the best knowledge of how this show is supposed to work out," Tsunade pointed out. "And he has much better… camera control than Kotetsu does."

Hinata raised her hand nervously. "Ano, Tsunade-sama, I am not old enough to go into a casino."

"Well you are for today," Tsunade said cheerfully. "Now, no more complaints. This is the Best Day Ever and it's starting _now_." She plucked a wide-eyed Hiruzen out of a fearful looking Kurenai's arms and dropped him on Kotetsu, who stared at the kid like he'd never seen a baby before. Iruka reached out and adjusted the older chūnin's arms a little so he was holding the child correctly. Ninja children were tough, but not indestructible.

Tsunade took off and everyone else followed slowly, leaving a dejected looking Kotetsu alone in the middle of the path staring down at Kurenai's baby. Hiruzen giggled. Kotetsu sighed heavily.

**o0o**

Iruka tapped Kurenai on the shoulder gently. "I went and asked Sakura to help Kotetsu with Hiruzen," he whispered.

Kurenai visibly relaxed, her tight posture slumping. She threw her arms around the unsuspecting chūnin, nearly choking him in her relief. "Thank you so much, Iruka-sensei."

"I was as worried for 'Tetsu as much as I was for Hiru-chan, you know," Iruka gasped. "I figured you'd kill him if there was so much as a scratch on that baby by the time you get back. It's not exactly his fault he's never had to deal with kids before."

"It's all right if Sakura's there, though," Kurenai said confidently. "She's a natural mother, I've had her babysit before, plus she's a medi-nin. I'm so glad you got her."

Iruka smiled. "Well, I'd rather have done it myself. Places like this aren't exactly attractive to me." He looked around the bright, windowless room, lit up by the otherworldly colourful glow of pokie machine screens and harsh fluorescent light, and wrinkled his nose in distaste.

"It's such a nice day outside, too," Kurenai agreed.

"Stop being such spoilsports," Tsunade said, coming up behind them and wrapping one arm around Iruka and the other around Kurenai, "Join us at the Roulette table. C'mon, it'll be fun."

She practically dragged them there, and then turned to Iruka with a glint in her eye. "I almost forgot." She thrust a glass at him. "Drink."

Iruka tried to hand it back. "I don't want this."

Tsunade looked puzzled for a bit, and then her face cleared as if she'd come to the only possible conclusion. "I get it, you don't drink beer because you're gay, right? I can get you some sort of cocktail, if you want," she offered helpfully.

Iruka turned a brilliant shade of red that rivaled Shizune's sunburn and started spluttering. Tsunade watched him carefully, wondering if he was going to explode, but he just swallowed it down and muttered, "Forget it." Resolutely he brought the glass to his lips and downed the lot. It turned out to be the wrong thing to do.

Tsunade giggled, and refilled his glass immediately. "I think I'm going to like you drunk. Have more."

The civilian running the roulette table they were occupying eyed them warily. Kakashi gave him a closed-eye smile and he flinched. "A-are you ready to play?" he asked uncertainly.

"No," Temari said boldly, "I'm ready to win."

Kakashi had been intending to find some idiots to fleece at poker but decided instead to stay and watch the kunoichi gamble. He was an over-analyser at heart, and watching how they dealt with money in this situation could be insightful.

"You're not going to win, _I_ am," Shizune retorted, and both women elbowed their way to the front of the group. Kakashi was unable to stop the small smile that spread under his mask. What he could see of Shizune – and it wasn't a lot, she'd done a good job hiding herself – was bright red. He silently thanked Iruka for making him wear sunscreen.

"You're not going to win, old lady," Temari snarled, and slammed down five chips at the point where the squares for 17, 18, 20 and 21 joined. "Corner."

Shizune glared at her, but studied the table a little more carefully before placing her bet. She'd had a lot of practice watching Tsunade. She pushed her pile of chips onto the edge of the far right bottom square. "Column. And maybe you should take a look around you before you start insulting people. It's obvious you're going to be out of this competition soon."

"Oh? And what makes you think that?" Temari sneered, and Kakashi decided that it made her look particularly undesirable.

Shizune smiled smugly. "Kakashi-san obviously likes dark-haired women. You're the only blonde."

Well, that seemed to be true. The only other blonde in attendance was Tsunade, who was currently trying to empty a new jug of beer down Iruka's throat. Kakashi hadn't even realized. Did Shizune really think he picked his partners by the colour of their hair? Apparently.

"If you'd paid attention," Temari said snottily, "I was the only blonde in this competition since the very start. So technically I have the edge. I'm the exotic."

"Ah, is anyone else going to place any bets?" the dealer asked nervously.

Kurenai smiled at him, and he blushed pink. "I'll put these on black," she said sweetly, pushing a couple of chips out onto the table. "Hinata, are you betting?"

Hinata shook her head and clutched her chip bag tightly. "I think I'll just keep what I've got," she said quietly.

Kakashi studied her with interest. "You're not going to bet at all tonight?"

"No." Hinata looked down at her feet. "I don't know how and I don't want to. Father says it is a weak man's sport."

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Kurenai said, putting her arm around Hinata sympathetically. "Abstaining from betting is a good tactic to try and end with the most money. The odds always support the house, so we're more likely to lose money than gain it."

Kakashi nodded. "Maa, that works. Yūgao, you playing?"

Yūgao looked at him, then at the table. "Split," she said, and placed her chip on the line between the seven and the ten.

"Anybody else betting?" the dealer asked, slightly apprehensive. He was hoping that neither the blonde of the sunburnt woman won, because if one did and the other didn't it looked like they'd start a fight. He hadn't signed up for that.

Tsunade nudged Iruka. "Oi, place your bet."

He looked at her with slightly unfocused eyes, and tilted his head to the side. "Bet?"

"Yes, yes, chips on the table," Tsunade said bossily. "Don't tell me you've never done this before."

Iruka looked down at the bag in his hand, then at the table, then at the dealer. He smiled brightly, pulled a chip out of the bag and held it out to the dealer. "For you," he said happily.

"For me?" The dealer considered running. Getting fired wasn't such a big deal, so long as he never had to interact with shinobi ever again.

"Yes." Quicker than the dealer had even realized possible, the man had grabbed his hand and dropped the chip into his palm, closing his fingers around it. "It's a present." Iruka smiled at him.

The dealer had no idea what to do. He wasn't allowed chips while he was working, and if he tried to cash it everyone would think it was stolen. "Just make it a street on the row starting four," the Hokage said, and he hurried to do so. She turned to the masked man with the odd silver hair. "Are you in on this, Kakashi?"

Kakashi shook his head. "I'm just watching."

"Suit yourself." She shrugged and turned to the dealer. "You can spin now."

Feeling wretched, and like he was inviting his own impending doom to come faster, the dealer spun the wheel and dropped the ball in. Iruka leaned forward and eyed it curiously, then reached out and grabbed it.

Tsunade slapped his hand. "That's bad, Iruka-sensei! No touching!" She took the ball off him and handed it back to the dealer. Kakashi laughed aloud, unable to stop himself, and Iruka turned his confused gaze on him, wrinkling his nose. _That's adorable,_ a little voice in his head said, and he stopped laughing.

Iruka turned back to smile at the dealer, and Kakashi felt almost jealous.

"Uh, um, did you say Iruka, as in Umino Iruka?" the dealer said fearfully. His day was just getting worse and worse, and he'd only just started his shift.

"Yes, why?" Tsunade tapped her foot impatiently. "As far as I'm aware there is only one Iruka in this village."

The dealer wiped a hand over his brow. He was sweating a lot, and it wasn't because it was overly warm inside. "Uh, well, Umino Iruka is supposed to be banned from these premises. I, uh, I need to ask you to leave?" He ended his sentence on a high, slightly unhinged note as if he were asking a question.

Everyone stared at Iruka, except for Iruka himself who looked at Tsunade. "'Nother drink, please?" he said hopefully.

"What on earth did you do to get banned from a casino?" she asked incredulously.

But Iruka had already turned away from her and was digging in his bag of chips. "This is for you," he said to Kurenai, handing her three chips and kissing her on the cheek.

"Oi, I'm talking to you, Umino!"

Iruka turned slowly to face her again. "You can have some too," he said generously, giving her chips as well. "Actually, everyone can have some," he said cheerfully, and started handing out chips like an out-of-season Santa. He reached Kakashi last, dug his hand into his bag and came up empty. He looked up at Kakashi with the most dejected face the jōnin could ever remember seeing. "I don't have any left," Iruka said woefully.

"That's alright Iruka-sensei," Kakashi said with a smile, "You can have mine." He jangled his own bag of chips in front of the chūnin's face.

Iruka's face quickly rearranged itself into an ecstatic expression. "Oh, wow. Can I really really have them?"

"No," Tsunade cut in. "Not until you tell me why they don't want you here."

"I don't remember exactly." Iruka stuck the tip of his finger into his mouth and chewed on it as he thought. "Probably some sort of prank. I pulled so many I don't really remember specific ones."

"Apparently he did something to the pokies machines so that whenever someone won, coins started coming out and didn't stop. The entire room filled up and we had to evacuate the premises," the dealer said. "He was let off because he was just a kid and no one could prove it was him, but then a couple of days later he was put on the banned list because all the chips had been replaced with foil covered chocolate replicas of them and they melted onto the tables because of the heat. Not that he was allowed in in the first place, being underage."

Iruka giggled. "I do remember that, actually."

"And how long ago was this?" Tsunade demanded.

"I was fifteen, I think," Iruka supplied thoughtfully. "Not a chūnin."

"That was over a decade ago," Kakashi pointed out. "Why is he still banned?" It made him feel a little awkward to realise that at fifteen Iruka had been setting up chocolate-based pranks while the Kakashi of that age was being introduced into ANBU. Despite both being shinobi they did come from quite dissimilar worlds.

The dealer shrugged unhappily. "I don't make the rules. The manager is paranoid and probably thinks that he's plotting something."

Kakashi pointed at Iruka, who had gotten bored of the conversation and started sniffing Shizune's hair, much to her squawked indignation. "Does he look like a threat to you?"

"Er, no?" the dealer said awkwardly, his brain adding without prompt, _but you do._

"Good, then." Tsunade smiled wickedly, and the dealer flinched. "Shall we keep going?"

The dealer nodded in a resigned manner and set the ball rolling. Iruka watched it eagerly, but was distracted by Kakashi nudging him with his elbow and holding his bag of chips out again. "You want them?"

"Please?" Iruka breathed, looking up at him with big eyes. Kakashi froze. Even if it was only for a lousy bag of casino currency, he'd never had anyone look at him like_ that_ before. So… openly trusting.

"Have them." He almost thrust the bag at the chūnin, unable to handle those eyes for much longer. Iruka's entire face lit up and he threw his arms around Kakashi's waist in excitement, almost tumbling him in surprise.

"Hey." Kakashi's voice was strained. He wasn't used to people touching him spontaneously, and both Temari and Shizune looked about ready to kill the teacher. Kurenai, on the other hand, looked like she wanted to laugh.

"Six." The dealer pulled the ball off the table and replaced it with a dolly. Kakashi almost sighed in relief. "Look, Iruka, you won."

"I did?" Iruka let go of Kakashi and turned to study the board.

"Yes," the dealer said slowly, hoping that he wouldn't also get an impromptu hug. "You win at odds 11 to 1, the lady with the crimson eyes at 1 to 1 and," he paused, trying to find a way to describe Shizune without referring to how red her face was, "The short-haired lady at 2 to 1."

Shizune turned to Temari with a smirk. "I'm winning. You don't have a chance."

Temari scowled. "You're not winning, actually. Iruka-san is beating you."

Shizune looked startled. "Tsunade-sama, if Iruka-sensei wins does he get lunch with Kakashi-san?"

Tsunade looked up from where she'd been watching the dealer add to the winning chips and take away the losing ones. "I guess so," she said, uninterested in their squabbling. "If he wants to."

Both Temari and Shizune glared at Iruka, trying to make sure he'd decide not to take the free lunch if he did win, but he seemed oblivious. Kakashi tapped them on the shoulders, gesturing for them to turn around. "Next round, ladies." It might not be _the_ Best Day Ever, but he'd decided it was quite entertaining.

Kurenai, sensing the tense atmosphere and wanting to diffuse it, was the one who actually asked the question. "Iruka-sensei, are you going to have lunch with Kakashi-san if you win?"

Iruka didn't even look up from where he was arranging his chips into a flower pattern on the table. "No. I don't want to have lunch with somebody who hates me," he said simply. "And besides, I'm not playing any more."

Kakashi was floored. Why would Iruka think he hated him? He wanted to grab him by the shirt and just shake him, force him to tell him why he'd come to that conclusion, but found himself rooted to the spot. He'd caught Iruka looking at him a couple of times in the last few days, maybe that was why his eyes seemed so sad. Kakashi had thought that they were becoming friends, of a sort, but apparently Iruka didn't share the same view.

No one seemed to know what to say to that, and when Hinata opened her mouth to say something about how that was probably not true Tsunade spoke over her. "Are we getting this show on the road, or not?" She grabbed a handful of Iruka's chips. "I call first dozen."

"I'll say second dozen, then," Yūgao put in.

Kurenai shrugged. "Why not, third dozen."

Temari and Shizune glared at each other. "Red," the blonde finally said, "For the colour of your blood if you ever cross me."

"Black," Shizune countered, "For the deep dark colour of your heart."

The dealer wished he'd called his girlfriend to tell her he loved her before coming to work, because he was starting to get the feeling he was not going to leave alive. If one of the mad kunoichi didn't kill him, he was going to kill himself.

**o0o**

It turned out they hadn't needed to worry about Iruka at all. Tsunade happily gambled away everything he'd won as well as what he'd started with, and the person with them most chips left was actually Hinata, who hadn't placed any bets at all and still had what she started with.

Shizune and Temari started a particularly violent slanging match, each blaming the other for making them lose, so Kakashi cast a convenient silencing jutsu on both of them. It worked like a mute button, and it was quite amusing to see the two volatile kunoichi's mouths flapping soundlessly but angrily.

"Hinata." He placed a hand on the youngest kunoichi's shoulder. "We should probably take our leave." He pretended not to see Iruka's eyes following him as he walked out.

It was, as Tsunade had said, a candlelit lunch. They'd simply turned the lights off in a small room with the blinds down and placed several long stemmed candles on the white tableclothed table set for two. Kakashi felt like he was suffocating. Hinata looked extremely nervous, and he had to admit that the romantic ambiance did make it rather awkward. "I'm not going to hit on you, if that's what you're worried about," he said, annoyed at himself for being out of his depth.

Hinata sat down timidly, and stared at the table. "Thank you, Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi slid into the seat opposite her and popped open the bottle of wine. Wine tended to make him lightheaded and he was definitely in for anything that would ease the horrible tension in the room. "Want some?"

"Kakashi-sensei, I can't! I'm underage," Hinata protested, eyes wide.

Kakashi shrugged. "Just have one glass, it will help you relax. I'm adult supervision, ne? Izumo-san, you want some?"

Izumo shook his head and hid behind his camera. "You're supposed to pretend I'm not here," he hissed.

"It's kind of hard to do that," Kakashi pointed out, filling his own glass, "I'm trained to notice all presences. It's usually likely to be deadly if I don't."

A man wearing suit and tie came in with two plates and placed them on the table, bowing as he left the room again as silently as he'd come in. It smelled wonderful and Kakashi realized with a pang of annoyance that he wouldn't be able to eat it. He cursed first Izumo and his damn camera, and then his own stupid mask. Then Izumo's stomach rumbled, and Kakashi smiled.

"Ne, Izumo-chan?" he said innocently. "Are you a little bit hungry?"

"I'm fine," the chūnin snapped. "You're supposed to be talking to your date."

"But Hinata has her own food, and I thought you might be hungry," he said, patting the Hyūga Heiress's hand lightly. "You can have my lunch if you go downstairs and film the rest of the girls instead."

Izumo started to protest, but then his stomach gave a louder rumble. "Fine," he grumbled. "But you are so useless at this bachelor thing."

Once the meddling cameraman was gone Kakashi turned back to Hinata, sipping his wine through his mask. She stared at him uneasily. "Why did you get rid of him?"

"Well, I wanted to talk to you," Kakashi admitted. "And to do that I need you to feel comfortable. You're not going to tell me anything if there's a camera in your face and anything you say could be reported directly back to your father, right?"

Hinata nodded, and prodded the food on her plate with a fork.

"Are you sure you don't want some wine?"

"Are you trying to get me alone and drunk so you can get into my pants?" Hinata asked uncertainly. "Because Father says that's what all men want."

Kakashi would have laughed if she hadn't sounded so serious. "No, you should understand by now that your father tends to over-exaggerate things. If I really wanted into your pants I don't need to get you drunk, I'm quite capable of putting you to sleep with this." He tapped the silk Iruka had insisted he wear over the sharingan to replace his hitai ate.

If anything, Hinata looked more afraid, and he realized belatedly that that had absolutely not been the right thing to say. "Maa, sorry, sorry. I really wanted to talk to you about Naruto."

"Na-Naruto-kun?" Hinata stuttered softly.

"The one and only," Kakashi said dryly. "You like him right?"

Hinata's face went red. Kakashi classified it as more intense than Iruka's usual, but not quite as bright as the current Shizune. "I, uh, I," Hinata stumbled.

Kakashi nodded gravely. "Though I myself cannot see the appeal, for whatever reason you seem to have been struck dumb over our little Naruto-kun. I was wondering what you're going to do about it?"

"D-do about it?" Hinata whispered. "What can I do about it? He's always chasing after Sakura."

Kakashi shrugged. "I think that's more for old times sake, to keep things the way he's used to. He seems to resist change quite a bit."

"Do you think he could love me back?" Hinata asked.

Kakashi finished off his wine and said thoughtfully, "He could. He's just too blind to see you right now; you'll have to do something obvious so he knows that you like him. Sometimes I wonder if he wears orange simply because it's the only way he can see himself."

"How do you think I should get his attention?" Hinata asked, unsure whether it was actually a good idea to change the way things sat between her and Naruto.

"Well, the best way would be to tell him point blank," Kakashi reasoned. "But I guess that would be a bit difficult for you."

The peaceful atmosphere was interrupted a few seconds later by a scream of "Pervert! You promised me!"

Apparently Tsunade had given Iruka a few more drinks, of what was possible not just beer. The man had somehow managed to lose his shirt and his hair tie, and was standing in the middle of the room with his eyes narrowed and a quivering finger pointed at Kakashi. "_You._ You promised. No touching my students."

Kakashi rested his elbow on the table and let his eyes drift down Iruka's body. He didn't _want_ to, but he couldn't help it. He blamed the wine. "Maa, does it look like I'm touching her?"

_He is a very nice colour_, Kakashi thought, comparing him mentally to the image he had of his own body. _Gees, his muscles are bigger than mine. I guess I ought to train more. How the heck does an academy teacher get a stomach that smooth?_

Iruka seemed to actually see what was happening for the first time, i.e. nothing depraved or illegal, and seemed to shrink into himself. "Kakashi-san, I'm -" He suddenly clutched a hand over his mouth, eyes wide.

Kakashi had seen that look on Asuma's face a lot, particularly in the period just after Kurenai told him about the baby, so he didn't mistake it for shock. Instead he grabbed the chūnin, ripped open the blinds, and held his head out the window. Iruka gagged, then vomited down the side of the building.

Kakashi grabbed as much of Iruka's hair as he could in one hand in an attempt to keep it clean, and used the other to rub circles on the chūnin's back. His mind thought that it was an opportune time to comment on how atrociously smooth and silky Iruka's hair was, and how he would look good in a shampoo commercial. He tossed that thought in favour of being hyper-aware that he was touching Iruka's bare back and his fingers were doing a bit more caressing than soothing.

"Uh, Kakashi-sensei?" Hinata said, and Kakashi wondered how on earth he'd forgotten she was there. "Do you want me to go get someone?"

"Don't worry about it. When he's finished decorating the outside of the building I'll take him home. You can go downstairs if you like." Kakashi wondered offhandedly when he'd started to think of the little room at the Uchiha compound as 'home' but dismissed the thought. It wasn't ultimately important.

Iruka pulled in from the window and looked at him with hazy eyes. "Finished?" Kakashi asked with a wry smile. Iruka nodded. "This will probably make you throw up again, but I think it's a lot better than going out the front door. Hold on to me."

Iruka stepped closer obligingly and wrapped his arms around Kakashi's waist, breathing vomit breath into the jōnin's shoulder. Kakashi sighed, and performed the seals for a transportation jutsu behind his back. They disappeared with a slight _pop_ and a small puff of smoke.

They reappeared in the bathroom of the Uchiha house they had been occupying for the last three days, and Iruka promptly vomited strings of stomach acid and spit on Kakashi's shirt. Kakashi screwed up his nose. "Looks like you've already gotten rid of everything that you've eaten, which is good I guess."

Iruka wiped his nose with a floppy hand, getting vomit on his arm in the process. "'M sorry, 'Kashi."

Kakashi sighed, and pulled his own shirt over his head, eyeing Iruka's pitiful form warily. "You're too drunk to remember my face, right?" Iruka hiccupped wretchedly and Kakashi shook his head. "It's not you that should be sorry, it's Tsunade, that wench."

Iruka stared at him, and slumped against the wall. Kakashi set the lid of the toilet down, grabbed Iruka underneath his armpits and manhandled him onto the toilet. "You really need a shower," he muttered, "But I'm definitely not going to do that." Iruka blinked at him.

Kakashi sighed. "And there I was thinking that nobody had the ability to look cute while they had vomit on their face. You break so many rules of life, Iruka-sensei." He found a washcloth in the bathroom cabinet and wet it in the sink before carefully wiping Iruka's face with it. "You know, I don't think Hinata's going to be able to look at you without stuttering for quite a while," he said conversationally, wringing out the cloth and using it to wipe down Iruka's hands and forearms. Iruka's head lolled against the wall.

"Come on, then." Kakashi washed his own hands, then lifted Iruka up, one arm under his knees and the other around his back. Iruka's head fell against his shoulder, his nose in the crook of his neck.

He could have laughed everything off, but he'd forgotten one thing. Actually, eight things. Eight irritating things with wagging tails that had been stuck inside all day with no master to tease. He was screwed.

"Kakashi, why aren't you wearing a mask?" Akino asked.

"He means, why aren't you wearing a shirt?" Guruko corrected.

"And why is Iruka-sensei not wearing a shirt?" Pakkun added.

"Did you drug him?" Bisuke asked suspiciously, sniffing carefully.

"Have you decided if he's going to be your mate yet?" Ūhei asked.

"Have you mated already?" Urushi narrowed his eyes.

"You better not try to mate with him while he's out like that," Shiba growled. Bull thumped his stump of a tail on the floor in agreement.

Kakashi gently slid Iruka onto his futon and pulled the blankets up around his shoulders, then turned to his dogs. "Tsunade got him drunk," he said flatly. "He threw up on me. No, I am not mating with him. And I don't have to explain myself to you."

He left the room but came back quickly with a towel, a bucket, a glass of water and a handful of pills. "If he wakes up at all, make sure he takes those and drinks all of that," he said, pointing to the pills and the water. "I'm taking a shower."

He left before the ninken could answer, and tried to forget how his fingers had felt on Iruka's skin. He'd noticed a large, painful looking scar taking up half of Iruka's back and wondered if the chūnin had meant it literally when he'd said his last lover had stabbed him in the back. If so it made sense that he hadn't had any subsequent serious relationships. A betrayal like that isn't exactly easy to get over.

Kakashi showered quickly, slipping into his regulation jōnin pants and masked shirt when he got out. He didn't particularly care if it 'wasn't allowed'. He felt more comfortable than he had at any point during the last week.

"Did you say that the Hokage did this to him?" Guruko asked when he returned to the room.

Kakashi nodded and looked at Iruka. He'd rolled onto his side and was muttering something in his sleep. He wouldn't be able to roll back because Bull had decided to lie down beside him, and the rest of the ninken sat close, vigilantly watching him breathe. "It's not that big of a deal. He'll just wake up with a bit of a sore head."

Bisuke glared at him. "You need to take better care of your mate."

Kakashi dragged his futon to the edge of the room and slumped down onto it with his back against the wall, watching his ninken stand guard over a man they'd only known for three days. What was it about Iruka that they liked so much? Granted, he treated them as equals, which not a lot of people did, but still. "He's not my mate, and if it was that easy to go against the Hokage's orders I wouldn't be here in the first place."

Pakkun walked towards Kakashi and sat down by his side, allowing the jōnin to scratch the top of his head lightly. "You know, Kakashi, you need to think about what you yourself want and not what's best for the village. Don't you deserve that?"

"I don't have a choice, Pakkun." Kakashi buried his fingers deeper into the pug's short fur, and sighed. "I have an obligation to find a woman to continue the Hatake name with. And I have five women to choose from." He frowned. "Well, four. Hinata's not really a choice."

"What does the mission scroll actually say you have to do?" Pakkun asked.

Kakashi leaned his head back against the wall. "Does it matter? What they want is for me to make a happy little family."

Pakkun snorted. "You know you're not going to be happy though, right?"

Kakashi shrugged. "How often do you see me happy, Pakkun? My entire life up until now has been directed by the will of the Hokage. There's not really any point trying to fight it."

"You turned out exactly how Sakumo wanted, you know that? A cold, heartless bastard who is pure shinobi." Pakkun shook his head. "I thought that blond pup had enough energy and enthusiasm for living in the moment that at least a little would rub off on you. I guess not."

Kakashi rubbed his temples tiredly. "What do you want from me, really, Pakkun? I have a lot of money, I'm fit, strong and famous, and apparently there are quite a few women who want to settle down with me. Isn't that supposed to make me happy? It's what most people seem to want to aim for."

"But it's not what you want," Pakkun said sagely.

"Stop trying to be philosophical, you're a pug," Kakashi said, but without malice. He studied Iruka's face across the room, and had to admit that above anything else the man did have some sort of unconscious charm. His lashes were impossibly long and black, resting lightly on mocha coloured skin. Kakashi had never known scars to be attractive, but if anyone's was, Iruka's was. The thin line crossing his face and arcing over the bridge of his nose seemed to add to rather than subtract from his beauty. Kakashi touched the scar on his own face thoughtfully. His would never be called beautiful.

Iruka's lips were slightly parted, and they twitched downwards when Bull swiped his tongue in a long friendly lick up the side of his face. Kakashi smiled. The chūnin definitely wouldn't thank him when he woke up with dog drool all over his face. He wondered if Bull could taste the vomit. Kakashi turned to Pakkun. "Why do you want me to be with him so much?"

"Think about it," Pakkun said gruffly. "Since you took on this stupid mission, who have you enjoyed talking to the most? He cares about people, and he cares about _you._ And you like him, don't you? We want you to be happy."

Kakashi stared at the sleeping chūnin. He looked so harmless with his hair floating over his face like that. Kakashi could remember exactly how soft it felt. "He thinks I hate him," he said quietly.

Pakkun laughed. "Of course he does. You're an asshole."

Kakashi closed his eyes and dragged a hand through his hair. "I don't do it on purpose."

"Ka-ka-_shi_." The voice was threatening, condescending, and sickly sweet -and he knew exactly whose it was. "Why are you here, with my adorable drunk Sensei, and not with all the beautiful women I found for you?"

Tsunade jumped through the window, closely followed by a camera wielding Izumo. "You made him sick." Kakashi gestured to Iruka. "And I don't desert a fallen comrade."

Tsunade peered at the sleeping chūnin and announced, "He's fine now. Come outside and entertain your girlies."

Kakashi sighed and got up slowly. "You shouldn't jump through windows if you're going to complain every time I do it."

Tsunade shrugged and hopped back out of the window. "I'm the Hokage, I can do whatever I want. You better be coming."

He had no choice, really. "Coming, Pakkun? I know you hate to give up a chance to laugh at me."

Pakkun gave him a doggy grin. "Of course."

"So. We can go back to the casino now?" Tsunade suggested hopefully once he was outside and being tackled by both Shizune and Temari.

"No, please no," Kotetsu begged, and Kurenai, who was holding her baby as if thankful he was still alive, seconded that.

"We should go back," Temari said, "Because I know I would win this time."

"No you wouldn't," Shizune sneered. "You're not good enough."

"Oh yeah? You only beat me by two dollars," Temari said snottily. "One more round and I would have beaten you."

"Oh you keep thinking that," Shizune snapped.

Temari folded her arms over her chest and flicked her chip upwards. "I will."

Shizune took the opportunity to yank Kakashi away from her. Pakkun made a funny snorting sound as if he was trying to control laughter. Kakashi glared at him, but it lacked his usual heat.

Tsunade backed away from both of them. "I guess we could, ah, hold that ceremony thing then, right Izumo?"

Izumo heaved a long-suffering sigh. "I _suppose_ so. It's not the best place to do it, but it'll do." He handed Kakashi a large pouch, which he opened to find four rose kunai the same as the previous day's ones, but with a blue ribbon instead of red. He took one out and balanced it in his palm carefully. "So, I just give these out now?"

"Remember to give reasons," Izumo warned, hoisting his camera up to pan around the expectant faces of the kunoichi.

He handed the first blade to Hinata with a smile she probably couldn't see. "Take some time to think about what we talked about, okay?"

She flushed red and looked down, but nodded her head.

"Kurenai," he started, and was surprised when she brought a bunch of flowers out from behind her back and held it towards him. "Maa, what are those for?"

"For Iruka. Could you give them to him?"

"Uh, sure." He took the flowers awkwardly, wondering what they were for. No one had ever given him flowers before. "You can have this." He thrust the second kunai at her. "Because, uh, I've already seen that you're good with kids."

Kurenai smiled and kissed baby Hiruzen on the forehead. "Thank you, Kakashi."

He pulled out the third blade and held it out to Yūgao. He didn't have a reason, except that she hadn't thrown herself on him, and he didn't think that would be accepted as a good enough reason. "Sometimes the quiet ones draw more attention," he said simply.

The fourth kunai he tossed around for a little while, not completely sure who he should choose. Temari and Shizune glared at each other. Slowly, almost afraid of what would happen, he held it out to the blonde. She snatched it up quickly, poking her tongue out at the Hokage's assistant. Shizune seethed. "It's because I got burnt, isn't it? You don't like me because I'm not beautiful anymore," she cried.

Kakashi shook his head. "You both need to learn a little restraint," he said. "Throwing yourself on people and attacking each other is not the best way to get someone's attention. Shizune-san, I didn't pick you because I think the Hokage needs you more than I do." He gave her a fake closed-eye smile and patted her on the shoulder. "Keep her away from the sake and the casinos, ne?"

Shizune nodded miserably. Temari looked suitably deflated as well. "Can I go now?" he asked, and Tsunade nodded. He was trying to participate, at least, and she didn't feel it was right to make him stay any longer.

Kakashi took off across the rooftops, Pakkun following close behind. "Where are you going?" the pug asked.

Kakashi didn't speak for a while. "To see Obito," he eventually answered. "If that's too much of a bother for you, feel free to go back to Iruka."

Some bitterness must have leaked into his voice, because Pakkun said, "You're jealous of him, aren't you? You're jealous because the pack are paying so much attention to him and not you."

"Hn." Kakashi dropped down to stand in front of the memorial stone, still holding Kurenai's flowers for Iruka.

"You shouldn't be, you know. We like him, but we're bound to you. You'll always come first."

"Shut up, Pakkun," Kakashi said quietly. "It doesn't matter."

"Obviously it does, or else you wouldn't be so grumpy."

"Just go away," Kakashi snapped. "I don't need you right now."

Pakkun raised an eyebrow, but poofed away obediently. As soon as the little dog had gone Kakashi slid down the stone and sat leaning against it, his head resting against the smooth surface of the monument. It calmed him a little, being here. Brought back a bit more normality. He hadn't been here since the start of the competition, and he wondered if his dead precious people thought less of him for that. _Actually, they'd probably be glad,_ he thought wryly. _Probably think it's a sign I'm starting to focus on the present instead of living in the past. How wrong that is._

He didn't know what to do. If it was just a decision between Temari, Hinata, Yūgao and Kurenai – that was fine. He already considered Hinata and Temari too young, and he could deal with living with either of the other two. But Pakkun was insistent on throwing Iruka into the mix, and he didn't know what to do about that. Iruka was unconsciously charming, adorable and spirited. It would be just so _easy_ to love him. All Kakashi had to do was let go and allow his emotions out of the cage he'd kept them in for so long. It wouldn't be hard, because Asuma had spent years worming his way between the bars with the help of Gai, and then Naruto came along and practically body slammed his way past all of his defenses. Yes, all he needed to do was wiggle the door a little bit and it would come flying open.

But he wouldn't do it. He wasn't ready. He would be perfectly content in a non-loving, friends-only marriage with either Kurenai or Yūgao, and it wouldn't cost him anything. Sex for the first time would probably be a little awkward, but Kakashi excelled at awkward so it was no problem. If he settled down with one of the kunoichi and had a boatload of darling Hatake geniuses the Elders would be perfectly satisfied with him and he wouldn't be thrown out of his depth because he wouldn't be in love.

Besides, while everyone seemed to know – Kakashi had always been slow on the uptake when it came to social norms and gossip – that Iruka was terribly easy to love, Kakashi himself was not. And try as he might, he couldn't find any viable reason Iruka could have to love him – or even like him – back. He made fun of the chūnin daily, even before this whole mess had started, and insulted him for his sexual preferences. He was scrawny, abrasive, and argumentative. He was also covered in scars that no one ever saw because he obsessively covered the majority of his body.

The sweeping feeling of relief he felt at realizing there was no way in the world Iruka could ever like him was tainted by a small part of him that felt like it was being stabbed with thousands of tiny needles. Kakashi didn't like it, so he did what he always did when he started to feel anything. He tamped down the emotion, let his mind run blank, and focused only on the shapes of the clouds and the whisper of the wind in the trees.


	5. Chapter 5

**Day Five.**

"Kakashi-san?"

Kakashi opened his eyes to a familiar face staring down at him and mentally kicked himself for not feeling the man's chakra before he managed to get this close. "What do you want?" he said flatly, pretending his back didn't hurt like hell from falling asleep slouched over. Actually, it wasn't just his back, his butt ached too. The ground was cold and hard, and he was starting to feel cranky.

"I just…" Iruka scratched his nose awkwardly. "Well, I woke up and you weren't there. Pakkun said you'd probably be here so I came and, well," he blushed, visible even in the moonlight, "You helped me out today, so I thought I should repay the favour."

Kakashi closed his eyes again, and leaned back against the memorial stone. "I don't need help."

Iruka looked at him dubiously. "That can't be comfortable. Just come back with me and sleep in a real bed, okay?"

"Go away."

Iruka rolled his eyes and crossed his arms across his chest. "You're acting like a petulant three-year-old, you know that? You don't have to admit you're wrong, or that you need help. Just come back with me, because my mission is to make you presentable in front of the kunoichi. And if you sleep out here you're going to be even more of an asshole than usual to everyone tomorrow."

Kakashi scrubbed at his hair with his hand, pulling at it viciously. Iruka was here because it was his mission to be, not because he actually _cared._ He really shouldn't feel let down, but he did.

"Stop that," Iruka cried, yanking his hand away. "What are you doing?"

Kakashi said nothing, letting his arm dangle where Iruka had dropped it. He was sick of everything, or immature kunoichi fighting over him and emotionless ANBU and especially chūnin schoolteachers who pretended to care. All he wanted was to be left alone, possibly forever.

Iruka sighed, and slid down the monument so he was sitting beside the jōnin. He tilted his head upwards, watching the filmy clouds drift across the moon absently. "I guess this is the first time you've been put in a situation you can't control, huh?" he said quietly. "I know it sucks, but hurting yourself doesn't help. Trust me."

Kakashi didn't bother trying to explain that he'd never been in control, that no matter how strong he was there was always someone bigger making his decisions for him, and he didn't because he knew how weak that made him. "You don't get hangovers?"

Iruka looked mildly surprised at the change in subject, and then smiled. "No, I can sleep them off for the most part. I'm lucky that way." He paused. "Thank you for looking after me. I know you didn't have to, and I appreciate it."

Kakashi shrugged. "If I didn't, my ninken would kill me."

Iruka laughed quietly. "It must be nice, being able to have them around whenever you want." He sounded almost wistful. "I'd love to have friends like that."

"If I'm not careful," Kakashi said wryly, "You will. They like you a lot more than they've ever liked me."

"That's not true," Iruka protested. "They talk about you all the time. They seem worried about you, I think. They care for you a lot."

Kakashi frowned, wondering what rubbish had slipped out of those gossipy dogs mouths. "They need to mind their own business," he said curtly.

"They think you're unhappy, Kakashi," Iruka said softly. "Are you?"

The vehement denial he had prepared stuck in his throat and instead he turned to look at the chūnin and said resentfully, "What do I have to be happy about?"

"You're alive, Kakashi," Iruka whispered. "Every day you're alive you have the chance to make happiness out of what you've got. And if you can't, you pretend and you can almost believe it."

Kakashi studied the chūnin for a moment. His hair was still loose, but he'd put on a shirt. He seemed despondent and smaller than usual. "Is that what you do? Pretend?"

Iruka gave him a bright, fake smile that, as he watched, gained believability until it seemed real, or would have if he hadn't been watching so carefully. "Kakashi-san," he said brightly, "If I don't smile people tend to think the world is ending or something just as dire. I'm not _allowed_ to be unhappy. Sometimes I wish I'd started wearing a mask when I was a child, but then people would just think I was copying you and call it _cute_."

Kakashi wondered what the bouncy academy teacher had to be unhappy about, and then remembered the large scar on Iruka's back and his conspicuous lack of relationships. "Did your last boyfriend literally stab you in the back?" he asked abruptly.

Iruka frowned as if trying to figure out why he'd jumped to talking about that, and then his brow smoothed out in realisation. "I suppose you wouldn't have heard about it, being the hermit that you are. 'Zuki and I were the main focus of gossip in Konoha for quite a while. But he's not what I get upset about. I've learnt how to live with what happened."

"Why were you gossip fodder?" Kakashi asked. He had to admit he was curious. Iruka was so straight-laced, what on earth could he have done to make people talk about him?

"Kakashi-san, I'd rather not talk about him. I don't make a habit of speaking about my personal life with people who dislike me." Iruka looked at the ground, and pulled his knees into his body.

"I don't dislike you," Kakashi said, but wouldn't be distracted from his questioning for long. "So if this guy doesn't bother you anymore why haven't you had another relationship since? That scar is old, and you must have got it before I started training Naruto otherwise he would have blabbed on and on about his Iruka-sensei getting hurt."

Iruka smiled wryly and kept his eyes focused on the dirt. "Because the man I want isn't interested in me," he said eventually, "At least not in the way I want him to be." He looked a little sad. "But 'Zumo knows how that feels, so we keep each other company."

Kakashi wondered who it was Iruka had a crush on and felt a little jealous of the mystery man, but he wanted clarification on another point before he attempted to go down that path. "You and Izumo-san are friends with benefits?" he asked. He didn't quite believe it. "I thought you said he was straight?"

Iruka sighed. "If you must put it that way, then yes we are. And I didn't say Izumo was straight, I said Kotetsu was." He brushed his hair out of his face, sighing again heavily. "Therein lies the problem."

_So the reliable camera guy has a crush on the one who chases after anything with breasts. Sucks to be him._ "So this guy you like," Kakashi said lightly, "Who is he? Do I know him?"

Iruka stayed silent for a moment, then turned to him with a cheery grin he would have believed had he not been given a demonstration of how well the man could fake a smile just moments ago. "Yes, you know him. But I am not going to tell you who he is. You're dragging out all my secrets and telling me none of yours, and it's beginning to piss me off. I'm starting to seriously consider just letting you spend the night out here by yourself."

It was starting to get a little bit chilly, Kakashi conceded. And he was no longer adamant about staying at the stone. To tell the truth, he'd be more than happy to go back to the Uchiha compound and curl up in a nice comfortable bed. Iruka was only wearing short sleeves and shivering slightly. He was amazed that the chūnin had stayed out with him so long. "I'll go back now."

Iruka raised an eyebrow. "Oh you will, will you?"

Kakashi couldn't help but feel that he was being mocked. "Yes." He stood up on slightly shaky legs, brushing the dirt off his pants, and after a moments thought held out his hand for the younger man to grab. Iruka stared at the outstretched hand for a bit, and then grasped it firmly. Kakashi felt a tingling sensation shoot through his fingers at the contact and steadfastly ignored it, instead yanking the chūnin onto his feet without comment.

"Thank you," Iruka said quietly, holding his hand for a beat longer than necessary before dropping it.

"Hn." Kakashi turned and took off in the direction of the Uchiha compound, knowing that Iruka would follow. He was annoyed at Pakkun for telling Iruka where to find him, but his annoyance was mostly based on the fact that Iruka had said he'd come out of duty and nothing else. He didn't particularly know what to think about that. But then Iruka had told him things that you don't really tell someone who is merely an acquaintance, and, as the astute chūnin had pointed out, he'd given nothing in return.

He paused abruptly in his stride, Iruka just barely managing to avoid running into him. The younger man cocked his head to one side, silently questioning why he'd stopped.

"I don't want to be a father," Kakashi said. "I don't believe I'll be very good at it."

Iruka blinked a couple of times as if trying to process what he'd been told. Then his face split into a warm smile. "Is this you trying to tell me something personal in return?"

Kakashi looked away.

"You didn't really have to, but I appreciate it," Iruka said softly. "And the fact that you're questioning your ability to be a good father means that you are very likely to be one."

Kakashi shook his head, watching the chūnin out of the corner of his eye. Iruka was still smiling and seemed to believe what he had said wholeheartedly. "I don't know anything about babies. I take lives, not give them."

"Kakashi-san, the woman you choose will help you with that. I guess you could compare raising a child to an extremely long-term mission, where you just have to choose the best path to take based on your current knowledge. Your wife," he stumbled over the word, his smile drooping slightly, "Will be by your side and you'll get through all the trials of parenthood together."

Kakashi stiffened slightly. "I don't want a wife either."

Iruka shrugged helplessly. "Well, I can't really help you on that one. You have friends to help you out though, right?"

"I am kind of friends with Kurenai, through Asuma, but why would she want to help me with someone else's kid if I don't choose her? And there's Gai, but he's… he's Gai." Kakashi felt slightly embarrassed listing his not-quite friends. He'd never really paid great consideration to how much of a social outcast he was before.

"I know Naruto and Sakura respect you a lot, I'm sure they'd be more than happy to babysit for you," Iruka said awkwardly, acutely aware of the conspicuously missing Sasuke. He scratched his nose uneasily. "And, well, I could be a friend. Only if you wanted me to, of course."

Kakashi dove bravely past the horror that was the idea of Naruto looking after anyone's child and resolutely ignored the fact that Iruka seemed to want to only be friends and nothing else to curve his eye up into a parody of a smile. "I'd like that."

Iruka gave a small, sad smile. "I'm glad."

He didn't really look glad, but Kakashi decided not to push him. He was starting to crave his comfortable futon like mad, and he just wanted to get back to the compound. He tipped his head forwards. "Ready to go?"

Iruka nodded and they set off silently towards the comfort and warmth of their beds, each trapped in their own thoughts.

**o0o**

Kakashi felt like the ugly duckling. Well, maybe not that, but some sort of retarded feathered animal anyway. "Tell me again why I have to wear this?"

Iruka grinned at him. "It's just for fun. Tsunade-sama wanted to get in the spirit of this whole 'cowboys and Indians' thing, and to do that apparently we have to involve feathers."

The fine hairs that made up Kakashi's eyebrow rose so high they got lost in his actual hair. "What the heck is an Indian?" he complained.

Iruka shrugged. "Damned if I know. But she was _very_ insistent that there had to be feathers."

Kakashi felt quite happy, considering that he would very soon be sent out to face the horror that was this competition and he had feathers sticking to parts of his anatomy that really didn't need them. The Talk he and Iruka had had at the memorial stone might not have happened at all, the way the chūnin was acting, and he was immeasurably glad for that. He'd been weak, he'd been caught out, but Iruka wasn't using it against him. He could stand here and argue nonsense about feathers and not worry about Iruka calling him out on being afraid.

"Did she specifically say this many?" he asked. "It seems like an awful lot."

"Ah, well," Iruka scratched his scar, "There weren't this many to start with."

Kakashi frowned. "Then where…?"

Iruka cast his gaze onto the big bulldog sitting sheepishly in the corner. "Bull thought he'd help me out and get me some more."

"Get more from where?" Kakashi asked, eye narrowing in suspicion. Bull cowered.

Iruka stroked the dog soothingly. "Uh… your pillow?"

"Oh." Sure enough, his pillow was in shreds. He had to admit his dogs were pretty efficient, if anything. He'd only been out of the room for enough time to have a shower. "Then I'm taking yours tonight."

"You can't," Iruka said with a slightly worried smile.

Kakashi's eyebrow did its disappearing trick again. "And why not?"

"Because he ripped mine apart too."

Actually, it looked like everything had been ripped apart, though it was hard to tell for sure underneath the fluffy white down feathers that littered the floor. Kakashi hoped fervently that he still had a futon underneath all that mess. "Where's your costume?" he asked. If he was being subjected to wearing something this stupid he was dragging at least one person down with him. Iruka had given him a headdress made with long, black tipped feathers that stretched down to the middle of his back on either side of his body. The feathers were held in place by what looked like a specially made hitai ate.

"I have this," Iruka said, holding up a metal plate-less hitai ate band with a few feathers stuck to the back of it and trying it around his head.

Kakashi scowled uncharitably. "Why do I have to have so many and you have just a couple?"

"Because you're the main attraction." Iruka rolled his eyes. "Everyone will see you first. I guess like a peacock's tail? You'll grab everyone's attention."

Iruka had stuck him in a suit again, and it itched twice as bad because of the feathers. Even if he was only meant to have the ridiculous headpiece Bull's 'helping' had led to him finding the little nuisance feathers everywhere. Up his sleeves, in his shoes, even down his pants. And he didn't think that Tsunade would be pleased if he got caught scratching at his crotch on accident.

"Actually," Kakashi said happily, "I won't be the centre of attention. They will."

He was referring to Kotetsu and Izumo, who had walked through the door only to stand still and stare at the mess which was originally a couple of pillows and a duvet. Eight ninken stared back at the duo, freezing for a split second before rolling on the ground in uncontrollable laughter. They'd been sitting still ever since Kakashi had once again threatened them with baths for laughing at him, tails twitching with anticipatory glee for the moment he left the room. But this was better than that.

Where Kakashi had only felt like a bird, Kotetsu _was_ one. Kakashi actually couldn't figure out how he was holding the camera with the unwieldy wings of his costume. He looked incredibly ungainly, but seemed perfectly at ease in his ridiculous get-up. Izumo, however, didn't. He was wearing some sort of sheet-like toga, and had massive white angel wings protruding from his back. He even had a little halo. Kakashi didn't think he'd ever seen anyone look so uncomfortable.

Iruka was staring at them both with a bemused expression on his face. "Guys, I don't think that's very Indian-like."

"See, I told you," Izumo snapped at his friend. "You just had to keep going on about 'getting something with feathers'. I told you it was more than that. Now I look like an idiot."

Iruka smiled. "It doesn't really matter, I don't think anyone really knows what it's about. Tsunade-sama gets all these weird ideas from foreign dignitaries and children's books. Besides, 'Zumo, you look hot."

Izumo tugged at his toga nervously, and flushed beet red. "I didn't choose this," he protested. "He made me wear it." He pointed an accusing finger at Kotetsu.

Kotetsu shrugged, feathery shoulders moving up and down. "Hey, at least you're not a chicken. You could have chosen better too."

Kakashi wondered absently why Izumo kept one eye hidden underneath his hair. Before, he'd assumed it was a mistake he made when he put on his hitai ate in the mornings. But now he wasn't wearing one, and his hair stayed the same. Both of his eyes looked fine, and it didn't make much sense to him for the man to hinder himself by blocking ones view. He figured he'd ask after he'd found the chance to get the chūnin alone and force the name of Iruka's crush out of him.

Iruka waved a hand between the bickering couple. "Neither of you have to wear any feathers, if you don't want to. You're both behind the scenes of the show, remember?"

"Oh, right." Izumo looked relieved, and ripped off his halo.

Both Iruka and Kotetsu took a step towards him. "Don't take it off," Kotetsu pleaded.

"Keep it, 'Zumo, it's cute," Iruka added.

Izumo hesitated, staring at them both. "You said I didn't have to wear it."

"You don't _have_ to," Iruka said slowly.

"But we _want_ you to," Kotetsu finished, employing his best puppy dog look to get what he wanted.

Izumo sighed heavily. "Alright, I'll keep it," he grumbled. "But if the Hokage calls me Tonton the Second and tries to keep me as a pet _one more time_ I will never ever listen to you guys again."

Kakashi wondered how many times Tsunade had mistaken her assistant for a small furry animal for him to state it as a condition before deciding he really did not want to know.

Kotetsu nodded eagerly, raising one arm high and clenching his feather fist. "I, Sir Cluck-a-lot, vow to forever protect you from the Gargantuan Breasts of Doom!"

The room fell silent and everybody stared at him, including eight pairs of canine eyes. Kotetsu laughed slightly uncomfortably. "I guess that was kind of lame."

Izumo took a step back, putting some distance between them. "I appreciate the sentiment, but… I don't think chickens are exactly known for being the best bodyguards."

"You never know," Kotetsu mused, "I could be really good at it."

"It doesn't matter," Iruka said, "You're supposed to be a cameraman, not a bodyguard. Don't you have anything better to do than stand here and argue about chickens?"

"Ah." Izumo twitched his forgotten camera in Kakashi's direction. "Kakashi-san, do you have a favourite?"

Kakashi stared at him. "A favourite what?"

Izumo rolled his eyes. "Kunoichi, of course. Who do you think is going to win?"

Kakashi frowned. "Isn't that cheating, asking me that?"

Izumo shrugged. "Well, it's not a definitive answer. You still have another two days to decide. It's just a guess on who you had the most fun with yesterday."

_Two days._ Kakashi suddenly felt very cold. He had only two days to cement just how unhappy he'd be for the rest of his life. "It's a secret," he said brightly, giving his best closed-eye smile and pretending not to notice how closely Iruka was watching him. "You're going to have to wait to find out who I'm going to choose."

"Kurenai's really pretty," Kotetsu said helpfully. "She'd look good naked."

"Well, your hair's like a wild version of Asuma's. She might like you, if I don't pick her." Kakashi shrugged. "Although what she's looking for is a good father figure, and I don't really think you fit that bill." He cast a critical eye over the chicken costume.

"I'll have you know I'm super fatherly," Kotetsu boasted.

Kakashi stared at him with disinterest. "That's good for you."

"I am," Kotetsu protested.

Izumo elbowed him. "He didn't say you weren't," he hissed.

Kotetsu set down his camera and folded his wings the best he could across his chest. "He implied it."

"Kotetsu-san, I couldn't care less whether you'd be a good father or not," Kakashi said dryly. He was beginning to get sick of all this parental talk. Even if Kotetsu thought he'd be a good father he didn't _have _to be one, and Kakashi did. "In any case, it's none of my business."

Izumo noticed the warning note in the Copy-nin's voice and nudged his partner. "'Tetsu? Remember that, ah, thing I was talking about? I think we should go do it now."

Kotetsu shot him a confused look. "What thing?"

"The _thing_, you know," Izumo said exasperatedly, and then just gave up and grabbed his arm, forcefully dragging him out of the room.

Kotetsu's puzzled voice carried even from out in the hallway. "I have no idea what thing you're talking about."

**o0o**

The kunoichi seemed to have taken the feathery theme just as seriously as Kotetsu and Izumo, and Kakashi wondered whether every hidden village was as messed up as this one. Kurenai had dressed Hiruzen in a baby version of Kotetsu's costume, which made Kakashi a little nervous, but the kid was undoubtedly cuter than his older counterpart. Her own outfit was a plain black dress, with a thin, feathered boa the colour of her eyes wrapped around her neck.

Temari was wearing a short white dress, the skirt of which was made entirely out of feathers that looked suspiciously like the ones that had been 'excavated' from the pillows that morning. The bodice was tight, strapless, and pushed her boobs out and forward. Kotetsu was very appreciative of this. His appreciation wasn't taken favourably, however, and it took him quite a while to make it back to the Uchiha compound after Temari waved her fan at him. If he hadn't been quite so focused on her admirable assents he would have noticed it was a weapon rather than a flirtation device, but something as minor as that wouldn't stop a horny Kotetsu.

Hinata's dress was a lot longer than Temari's, thanks to her conservative father, but no less stunning. It was made of a violet material that matched her eyes, shimmered when it caught the light, and was hemmed with the tips of peacock feathers. A matching band of violet held most of her hair back from her face and was also decorated with peacock feathers. She was currently holding Hiruzen, trying desperately to keep him from sticking her feathers in his mouth.

Yūgao looked amused by the effort that had gone into the other costumes she could see, and was wearing a pair of black skinny jeans and a printed t-shirt, her tribute to the feather theme a simple black feathered hairpiece.

Tsunade stormed over and glared around at them all with thinly veiled disgust. "Do _none_ of you know what I meant by cowboys and Indians?" she said disbelievingly. She was wearing what looked like a beaded sack and had a band of leather stretched around her forehead like a hitai ate with two feathers sticking up in the back. "Well, at least Kakashi's in character. Kind of."

Kakashi looked at Iruka, who just shrugged. "She just said feathers. She didn't really explain what we were meant to do with them."

Tsunade sniffed disappointedly. "Whatever. I didn't really expect that much from you anyway." Then she brightened. "We're going to play some games, and stuff. This first one is called 'pin the turkey so it doesn't get away.' Apparently it's a popular game in Hidden Mist. There's a picture of a turkey on the wall, see? I give you each a shuriken, blindfold you, spin you around, then you have to throw the shuriken and either try hit the turkey in the neck or the ankles. Fun, right?"

Kakashi debated whether it was a good idea to tell her that 'turkey' was Hidden Mist slang for 'stupid foreign ninja who has managed to get himself captured' and what she was asking them to do was an odd variation on what was usually a form of torture, but wisely kept his mouth shut. Tsunade didn't like to be wrong.

"What happens if someone gets hit by a shuriken, Tsunade-sama?" Hinata asked cautiously. "If you spin us around we're not necessarily going to be throwing in the right direction."

"Well, you'll just have to try really hard to throw it in the right direction," Tsunade cackled. At Hinata's horrified face she added, "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'll put up a shield around the thrower and the turkey. Nothing will be able to get in or out."

"But weapons bounce off those things," Kakashi pointed out. "The person throwing could hit themselves with the shuriken."

Tsunade shrugged. "Just be really careful, then."

Since it seemed very unlikely that she would be persuaded that this was a Very Bad Idea, Kakashi said, "I'll go first." That way, if he managed to injure himself she might stop it before anyone else got hurt.

"Oh, you don't have to play, Kakashi," she said, waving him off. "This is a game for women."

Kakashi bit down on his tongue to stop himself from retorting that actually, the torture Mist shinobi used on women was _quite_ different. "I'd like to try anyway," he said blandly.

"If you insist." Tsunade shrugged, and pushed his hitai ate-slash-feathered-headdress down so it covered his eyes. He barely managed to curb his defensive reaction when she grabbed him by the shoulders and spun him around.

Because of the leechlike effect the sharingan had on his chakra Kakashi had spent the last seventeen or so years wandering around as if he was blind in one eye. It had taken him a while at first to get used to it; he hadn't just had to adapt to learn the ocular power of the sharingan, he also had to get used to giving things on his left a slightly wider berth to make sure he didn't inadvertently bang into anything. It helped that even at that age people had tended to give him space wherever he walked, whispering things about prodigies and people who were unnaturally grown up.

He'd thought that his experience with being partially blind would help with this, but even that hadn't prepared him for the pitch black assaulting his vision, and the way his knees almost collapsed when Tsunade pressed the hard metal of a shuriken into his hand.

"Whenever you're ready," she said, and he could head the smirk in her voice.

He understood now why this was used as torture. The disorientation meant the victim would be confused as to where the enemy was coming from, trapped in the dark, robbed of their balance and vision. And little nicks from shuriken would make them nervous, wondering when the torturers would move on to kunai and harsher weapons and let the pain begin. Kakashi decided he really did not like being in the dark.

Kakashi took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, carefully. Tsunade's shield blocked most of the noise from outside and his sharingan could not see through the metal of the hitai ate but he had other senses to rely on. His sense of smell almost rivaled that of an Inuzuka, and he could smell the fruity scent of Kurenai's perfume far to his left. That meant that the wall with the turkey must be on his right, as she was holding Hiruzen and she'd want to keep him as far away from danger as possible.

Kakashi turned slowly towards what he thought was the wall. From what he could remember the drawing started at about his shoulder height. He had no idea where it would be horizontally, but he was pretty sure he had it right vertically. He tossed the shuriken, and let out a relieved sigh when he heard the _thunk_ that meant he'd hit wall and not shield.

"Did you use the sharingan?" Yūgao asked.

Figuring that meant that the shield had dissipated Kakashi lifted his heavily feathered hitai ate to see that he'd just missed the neck of the turkey. "No, it doesn't see through metal," he said, and tapped his nose. "I used this."

"Very clever," Tsunade smiled, "Who's next?"

"I'll try," Yūgao offered, and stood obediently still as she was blindfolded.

Tsunade grinned at Kakashi. "You're going to do the honours of spinning her, right?"

She was doing it on purpose, to make him squirm. Making him touch all of the kunoichi. "Sure," he said easily. He wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of seeing him out of his comfort zone.

Kakashi stepped up to the blindfolded kunoichi and gripped her shoulders gently, loosening his hold slightly when he felt her tense beneath his hands. He spun her a few times before pressing a shuriken into her hand and stepping back. She wobbled a little, but stood her ground.

As soon as Kakashi was out of the way Tsunade put up the shield, and Yūgao shifted into a defensive position, turning her head as if she could still see. "This is actually quite a good training exercise," Tsunade commented. "It's nice to see if your ninja can still perform even when blindfolded."

"It's actually a torturing method," Kakashi said quietly so she'd be the only one who heard. "Your version is edited slightly, but it's definitely Mist torture."

Tsunade clenched her hands into fists. "Son of a bitch!" she shouted, and Yūgao looked directly towards her. "That – that whore Mizukage told me it was a children's game."

Kakashi watched as Yūgao flung the shuriken at the wall, barely grazing the turkey's tail with it. "They possibly have another version for children," he mused. "To teach them how to torture properly when they grow up."

Tsunade shook her head as she released the shield again. "Sick bastards," she muttered.

Yūgao yanked off the headband and glanced at her shuriken, seeming a little disappointed that she hadn't hit anything vital. She wandered back over to the group of kunoichi. "Who's next?" she asked, holding up the blindfold.

"I-I'll go," Hinata said in a small voice. She did this kind of training all the time with her father and Tsunade hadn't forbidden the use of dōjutsu yet. She shivered at Kakashi's touch on her bare arms and the spinning made her a little dizzy but once the byakugan was activated and she could see again she felt a little better. She could tell that Tsunade hadn't even put the shield up, expecting her to use her bloodline limit, and that made her a bit more confident. She'd originally felt like it was cheating. She aimed for the feet, seeing as Kakashi's shuriken was already touching the neck.

Hinata took off the blindfold and handed it shyly to her ex-sensei, who smiled at her and handed her Hiruzen, kissing his forehead as he changed hands. Hinata carried him over to where Tsunade were standing. "Tsunade-sama?" she said after the Hokage had finished setting up the shield for the third time, "Was it cheating to use my byakugan?"

Tsunade smiled at her. "When a shinobi finds himself robbed of one of his senses, particularly an important one like eyesight, he must utalise his other skills in the best way he can to survive. If you hadn't used your dōjutsu you wouldn't be using your abilities to your best advantage."

"But Kakashi-sensei didn't use the sharingan," Hinata said.

"Maa, I couldn't," Kakashi admitted, coming up behind her. "The sharingan can't see through things too well, which is good because otherwise it would be constantly draining my chakra. It's not a fail proof ability, which is why I spend time training on other things too. It's not good to rely on just one area of expertise."

Hinata frowned. "What about Lee and Gai-sensei?"

Kakashi smiled, and turned back to watch Kurenai. "_Nothing_ explains those two."

Kurenai was standing very still in the middle of the shield, mentally judging the height of the turkey on the wall. She flung the shuriken straight out from where she was standing, and when she heard the pinging sound which meant it had hit the shield she stepped back, allowing it to fly back past her. She smiled as it thunked into the wall and lifted the blindfold to see where her shuriken had hit. It sat just to the left of the turkey's breast. She smiled delightedly. She'd figured that the shuriken would have to rebound off the shield until it hit the wall at some point and had merely hoped it would hit the target. The fact that she was as close as Yūgao meant she had some very good luck.

Kurenai walked over to give Temari the blindfold but the girl wouldn't take it, instead staring wide-eyed at the painted turkey. "You're not going to try it?" the crimson-eyed jōnin asked. "It's a bit uncomfortable at first, but you get used to it quite fast."

'I can't do it," Temari whispered. "Anything but that."

"Temari-san," Kakashi said quietly, "Have you been captured by Mist before?"

The young kunoichi nodded silently, and Tsunade scowled. "Damn that woman. Children's game my ass."

"Seeing as you think this is a good way to learn how people deal when they've lost their sight, don't you think you should have a turn, Tsunade-sama?" Kakashi asked. He'd rather she used up some of her frustration on the wall-turkey than on him.

Tsunade shook while the blindfold was being tied onto her, created her own shield then spun herself around a few times. When she stopped she paused for a little while to get her bearing again, and then slammed her fist into the earth. The ground split in all directions, fractures travelling up the wall and cracking it in half, right through the middle of the turkey. She took off the blindfold and grinned, releasing the shield jutsu. "I feel a bit better now," she admitted, and turned to Hinata. "You see what I meant by playing to your strengths?"

Hinata trembled a little as she answered. "Yes, Hokage-sama."

**o0o**

Tsunade's next surprise for them was a meal, which Kakashi's ninken decided they very much wanted to participate in. It smelt fantastic, and looked even better. Shiba seemed to have forgotten how to speak properly and was stuck on, "Tasty! Tasty! Tasty!" whilst running around in circles.

Gruuko was jumping up and down, trying to see onto the table, and Bisuke was eyeing Kotetsu in his bird suit hungrily. Pakkun glanced at Kakashi disdainfully. "How come you never feed us like this?"

Kakashi stared back, indifferent. "I don't even feed myself like this. Why should I feed you anyway? You're ninken, go back to your own plane and eat."

"None of you are getting fed like this," Tsunade growled. "This is a meal for humans only. Summons can get lost."

Six tails were tucked firmly between six pairs of back legs, Pakkun and Bull not having long enough tails to manage such a feat. The doleful eyes of the giant bulldog more than made up for his lack of a tail though. Iruka scratched him behind the ears consolingly.

"Shoo." Tsunade made a shooing motion with her hands. "I don't want Kakashi distracted from the wonderful women I've found him, and you lot are the worst of all distractions."

Seven dogs slunk sadly away. Pakkun stayed where he was. Tsunade glared at him. He glared back. She switched her glare to the insolent pug's owner. "Kakashi, why are your summons so bratty?"

Kakashi gave a loose-shouldered shrug. "Maa, don't ask me. My grandfather trained them."

"That's right." Pakkun had the gall to look smug. "I'm even older than you, lady. I don't have to take orders from you."

Kakashi arched his eye closed into a smile and lifted the pug off the ground by the back of his vest. Pakkun's eyes widened and his feet scrabbled for purchase in the air. "Put me down!"

"Maa, Pakkun-chan," Kakashi said sweetly, "I know you're an ancient, wrinkled old bastard of a dog, much more so than I or Tsunade-sama, but you're forgetting one thing. Ninken don't have opposable thumbs."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Pakkun growled.

Kakashi smiled wider, knowing Pakkun could see it under the mask. "It means I can do this and you can't stop me," he said cheerfully, tossing the dog over his shoulder. Pakkun yelped, his angry cries getting fainter as he disappeared into the distance.

"Thank you, Kakashi," Tsunade said gratefully when the sound of Pakkun's wails faded to nothing. "He has got to be the most ungrateful, bad-tempered summon I have ever met."

"Maa, he grows on you," Kakashi said fondly. "You just have to learn how to tune out most of what he says."

"He's kind of scary," Hinata put in.

"He's not that bad," Iruka defended, and everyone stared at him. "What?"

Yūgao gave a small smile. "Your opinion doesn't count, Iruka-san. You like everybody."

"I do not," Iruka protested.

"Yeah?" Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "Name one person you don't like."

Iruka stuttered nonsense, searching around in his brain for someone detestable. "I, uh, well, hmm, Orochimaru! I really do not like Orochimaru," he said triumphantly.

Kurenai giggled. "That's so cute, Iruka."

Iruka stared at her, nonplussed. "What? Why?"

"The only person you can think of to hate has deserted the village and experimented on children in horrific ways, bending people to their will. It's adorable that you have room in your heart for everyone else," Kurenai explained.

Iruka turned red. "That's not – um – well, everyone deserves a chance to be able to change."

Kakashi tapped a long, slim finger against his masked lips. "What about your lover? The one who stabbed you in the back?"

"Mizuki?" Iruka stared at him, shocked and losing most of the pleasant blush he'd been sporting. "I don't -" His face shut down, losing all expression. "That's none of your business," he said coldly.

Too late, Kakashi realized he probably shouldn't have said anything. He was just _curious,_ that was all. Maybe Tsunade would show him the files for what had happened the night Iruka had gotten that scar but he wanted more than that. He wanted to know how Iruka felt about it, and if it had changed him at all. Mission reports never gave that sort of information.

He caught the look Izumo shot at Iruka, asking silently if he was okay, and Iruka's tired smile back and felt jealous. He didn't want to be the bad guy.

Tsunade glanced between them, and then cleared her throat. "We should eat now," she said loudly. "Before this nice meal gets cold."

Iruka pointedly sat down as far away as he could from Kakashi, who felt slightly disappointed by it. If he'd stopped to think before he'd opened his big mouth he might have realized that Iruka would be mad. He'd been closed off enough about it when they'd been speaking about it privately; of course he wasn't going to want it brought up in front of other people. He felt like an idiot.

Kakashi looked around the table. He didn't feel hungry any more and besides, there was no way in hell he was going to take his mask off in front of all these people, not to mention the cameras. Beside him Kurenai was feeding Hiruzen mashed up stewed apples and cooing to him in that disgusting baby-talk people tended to use when 'conversing' with small children. Across the table Yūgao and Hinata were silently watching Tsunade hack into the table's centerpiece with a kunai. It was, surprise surprise, a giant turkey.

On his other side sat Temari, who was staring at her plate in silence. He took an educated guess and decided that her mood reversal was not to do with Shizune not being there to fight with but more about the Mist torture methods. He wondered what to do about it. He'd never been very good at making people feel better about themselves and when he tried he usually made things irreparably worse, as per Sasuke and now Iruka. But he really should say something to her seeing as he was the sole reason she was there in the first place.

"Yo," he said, and gave her an eye-smile.

Temari looked up slightly but didn't say anything.

Kakashi scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Are you… alright?"

She gave him a watery smile. "Yes."

Kakashi frowned and looked at his own plate. "You're not, are you?"

Temari sighed. "No."

"Did you want to talk about it?"

She took a shaky breath. "Not really, no."

"But would it help?"

"Probably," she admitted. "Talking about it would make me relive it, though, and I'm not really keen to do that."

"I had a teammate who was captured by Mist, once," Kakashi said in a low voice. "It was my fault; I was team captain and I didn't keep an eye on him. By the time we found out where he was being held it was almost too late, not because he was hurt too badly, they made sure not to cut him very deeply, but because he had pretty much given up on wanting to live. He was going insane with waiting for when they would start the 'real' torture, starting to hallucinate about them coming and chopping off his limbs. When we got him out of there he couldn't walk because he truly believed he only had one leg left."

Temari shivered. "It's terrifying," she whispered. "To not know where you are, which direction you're facing, where the enemies are. And they touch you and you don't know who they are or what they look like, or where their hands are going to go next."

Kakashi nodded. He'd thought as much. The advantage to being male came not from being naturally physically stronger like most people thought, but for the mere fact that enemy shinobi were more likely to sexually abuse a female than a male.

Temari clenched her fists under the table. "Gaara… Gaara took them out. All of them. I don't think I've ever seen him so angry."

Kakashi thought about seeing Obito being crushed and Rin's trembling form crying beside him and understood exactly why Gaara had reacted the way he did. "Your brother is a good man," he said quietly. "And he will be a great leader."

Temari smiled, though her face was still rather pale. "Thank you, Kakashi-san."

"Hey, hey, have some food," Tsunade said boisterously, dropping a large amount of meat on Temari's plate, startling her. "Can't have Suna thinking we don't feed our guests properly."

"I, uh, don't really want -"

"Just take it," Kakashi advised. "She can get rather… forceful when people disagree with her."

"Thank you." Temari smiled graciously at Tsunade, who beamed back and kept making her way around the table.

She stared at the turkey dubiously. "I'm a vegetarian," she said hopelessly to Kakashi. "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"You should have said so before," Tsunade scolded lightly, somehow having heard from the other side of the table. "Give that to him," she switched Temari's meat-heaped plate with Kakashi's empty one, "And try the pie instead."

A huge slice of pie followed by enough cream to sweeten an elephant was dumped onto her plate. "Pie with cream?" Temari said, utterly confused. "Does everyone in Konoha have such weird taste, or is it just your Hokage?"

"Hn." Kakashi swiped the tip off the slice of pie with his fork, held the top of his mask away from his face and dropped it so it slid down the inside of the material into his mouth. Temari watched with wide eyes as he chewed. "It's pumpkin pie. Sweet, not savoury. Try it, it's quite good."

"Did you just say pumpkin?" Yūgao squeaked, staring in horror at the half-eaten slice on her plate.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. He'd never heard her use that tone of voice before. "Yes. Couldn't you tell when you were eating it?"

"I don't eat pumpkin very often," Yūgao wailed.

"…And you've decided you don't like it?" Kakashi was utterly confused.

"No. I don't eat it because I'm _allergic_ to it," Yūgao retorted.

"You look fine to me," Kotetsu said, digging into his own pie as if nothing was happening. "My cousin's allergic to tomatoes and he bloats up even just touching the damn things."

"Well, it won't kill me," Yūgao admitted, "But it does make my skin all bloated and itchy and gross."

Kakashi smirked under his mask. So even Yūgao was victim to the woman's curse of needing to look good for every occasion. He'd thought that she'd escaped it, but apparently she hadn't.

Hiruzen chose that moment to empty his stewed apple dinner onto Kakashi's lap via his mouth. Kakashi lost his smirk. He hadn't realized something that small could hold so much projectile vomit. He was pretty sure even Iruka hadn't been this prolific when he'd chosen to upchuck everything Tsunade had lovingly hand-fed him.

Kurenai had a horrified expression nailed to her face. "I'm so, so sorry, Kakashi."

And Kakashi was reminded once again that there was no way in hell he wanted a baby. Ever. They were a lot worse than unruly ninken and speaking of which, the one he least wanted to see stalking towards him with a manic gleam in his eye. "Nice decorations, Kakashi," Pakkun smirked.

"Napkins, napkins, napkins!" Kurenai said desperately, throwing them in his lap as if a tiny piece of tissue paper would soak up the sea of baby vomit.

"Can you not take a hint, Pakkun?" Kakashi growled. "I _literally_ threw you away. That means you're not wanted here."

Pakkun scratched behind his ear with his back foot. "I don't care if I'm wanted here, I want to be here."

"Here, he can have the giblets." Tsunade tossed a package at the pug, and it burst open at his feet.

Hinata leant over to see what it was, having never heard the word before, and jerked back when she realized she was watching a dog eat turkey guts. Pakkun looked up at her with blood all over his muzzle, a piece of liver folded over his nose and said, "Want some? It's pretty tasty."

Hinata fainted.

Nobody seemed to notice. Tsunade and Kotetsu were watching Pakkun chow down with morbid fascination, Kurenai was fussing over Kakashi's crotch, Temari was sitting stock still, her face as white as her dress, and Yūgao was staring at her hands and moaning because they were starting to get lumpy.

Except Iruka. Kakashi should have guessed, the man seemed to have a sixth sense which told him when any of his students, past or present, were in trouble. His ponytail bobbed as he moved calmly around where everyone was fussing, picked Hinata up, and carried her off, assumedly to wherever the kunoichi were staying in the compound. Kakashi considered following him, but the remembered that he was currently in Iruka's bad books and would probably just get yelled at, which would likely startle Hinata and then he'd get yelled at a second time.

Besides, he was still covered in baby mucus. Hiruzen, that little twerp, looked none the worse for his impromptu spew and actually had the gall to be giggling. Kakashi sighed, flicked through a few seals and stood as his own personal raincloud floated over his head and doused him with freezing cold water. He made a mental note to play around with that particular jutsu. If he could somehow manage to change the temperature of the water then he'd have his own personal shower anywhere he went.

Kakashi took a moment to look around him. Everything was in a shambles, and even Kurenai had taken her eyes off him because Hiruzen had decided to climb onto the table and suck on one of the turkey's wings and she was busy trying to pull him off. The kid had good suction, he'd grant him that. In any case, the crazy situation was exactly what he wanted. It was time to hunt him an angel.

Well, hunt was maybe not the right word. Hunting, in his experience, took skill and thought. Catching Izumo took, well, a single well-timed transportation jutsu back to the Uchiha room he shared with Iruka.

"What are you doing? You just got my toga all wet," Izumo complained, and Kakashi took a step away from him, glad the man had dropped his camera in his surprise.

"Maa, sorry," Kakashi said insincerely. "I just wanted to talk to you."

"About what?" Izumo scowled.

"Iruka," Kakashi said simply.

"Oh, no you don't," Izumo growled. "What the hell has he been telling you, anyway? And where do you get off, bringing up Mizuki in front of everyone. He deserves better than that."

Kakashi shrugged. "I didn't realize it was such a big deal. If you told me more about it I would be able to see why."

"What makes you think I know anything?" Izumo said angrily. "And what makes you think I would tell you if I did?"

"You sleep with him, he must tell you something," Kakashi pointed out, and grinned as Izumo's mouth opened and shut like a goldfish. "I know he has a crush, and I want you to tell me who it is. I know you know."

"Are you kidding?" Izumo exploded. "Iruka would kill me if I told you he had a crush on you!"

In the following silence Izumo clapped a hand over his mouth, stepped backwards until he hit a wall, then sunk down it onto the floor. "Crap," he whispered. "I'm so dead."

Kakashi just stood where he was, stunned. _Iruka… no. He can't, he's just doing his duty. He doesn't actually like me, he barely tolerates me. _"Do you mean it?" he asked quietly. He didn't know what he'd do if it was true, though it sounded way too farfetched to be right anyway.

Izumo didn't answer, instead continuing to mumble to himself and rocking backwards and forwards. If he hadn't had so much other stuff on his mind Kakashi would have found it funny, a depressed, psycho angel. But right now he had more important things to worry about. Kakashi stepped forwards and grabbed the chūnin by the shoulders, shaking him. "Is it true?" he demanded.

"What are you doing?" a shocked voice on his right asked. "Kakashi, let go of him!"

Kakashi looked up to see Iruka standing in the doorway and had the fleeting thought that this picture was even funnier, a soaking wet man in a suit and feathered headdress shaking a depressed angel. Iruka stormed towards him and pushed him away, crouching down to comfort Izumo, who flinched at his touch. "'Zumo, relax," Iruka crooned, and then his voice took on a harsh quality. "Kakashi, get the hell out. I don't see why you'd have a problem with who I sleep with but it's none of your damn business. Hinata is better, and has gone back to the table. Go choose you wife, or whatever the hell you're supposed to be doing."

Kakashi slunk out the door wordlessly. Iruka must have caught the last thing he said and thought he was asking Izumo to confirm the fact that they were sleeping together, he realized. It was probably safer to let him keep believing that, because given that outburst he would have to be an idiot to think that Iruka held any feelings except for dislike for him. If he ever tried going up to the man and saying, _hey, I heard you like me, is it true?_ Iruka would probably laugh in his face. The thought upset him quite a bit more than he would have expected.

By the time he got back to where the feast was being held it was even more chaotic than before. His ninken had come back, regardless of whether they were allowed to or not, and were currently sprawled all over the table enjoying the turkey.

Tsunade sighed in relief upon seeing him, holding one hand flat against her forehead. "There you are. Please hand these damn things out so I can go home and pretend this day never happened."

Three kunais – this time with purple wrapped handles – were thrust at him unceremoniously. "Make it quick," Tsunade added. "I don't want Izumo to come back and complain because then we'd probably have to do it twice."

Kakashi nodded. He'd made his choice earlier, and felt better for it. Ten seconds later three pairs of hands grasped a rose kunai, and the last pair of hands clutched a baby. He smiled at the last woman, trying to lesson the pain a little. "Kurenai, I care about you. But only as a friend. You might think that's enough for you now, but very soon it won't be and you'll want more, which I can't give you. Asuma would never forgive me if I did that to you. You don't need a father figure for your child, you only need the confidence to stand up on your own. You are plenty strong enough to raise him by yourself if you have to."

Kurenai stepped forward and gave him a one-armed hug that he returned awkwardly. "Thank you, Kakashi."

"For what?" he asked. He'd figured most people got upset when he booted them off, not thankful.

"For believing in me," she said, and offered him the smile that made her truly beautiful.

**o0o**

Much later, after another trip to the memorial and a couple of hours with his favourite book, Kakashi returned to his room. Something was different though, and he couldn't put his finger on it until he noticed the halo and haphazardly placed wings on the floor. Without his express permission his gaze swung towards the futon on the other side of the room. Instead of one brown head in the bed there were two. It gave him a horrible, knotty feeling in the bottom of his stomach which he did his best to ignore, dropping into his bed and steadfastly facing the wall. _It's none of your business,_ he told himself. _You're here to find a wife, not a boyfriend, and you have no right to feel jealous._ It took a long time for him to fall asleep.

**o0o**

_I think I tipped the crack scales a bit too much on this chapter, whoops. And I have the feeling I'm totally butchering the kunoichi's personalities and keep forgetting what suffixes people address each other with so it's a huge mess. Sorry for that._

_Anyway, if you review it will make me the happiest person alive. _

_Next chapter: Meet the Family. What's worse: tea with Hyūga Hiashi, or lunch with the Sand Siblings? Poor, poor Kakashi._


	6. Chapter 6

**Day Six.**

When Kakashi woke up Izumo had left, but that didn't make him feel any less pissy. Iruka was sitting on his futon and leaning against the wall, writing something in a small black book. "Maa, aren't diaries for teenage girls?" he sneered, wanting to upset the chūnin so he wasn't the only one feeling terrible.

Iruka looked up, surprised, and merely shrugged. "My shrink told me it helps to write down how I feel, so I do."

Kakashi hadn't actually expected it to be a diary and had to fumble for his next words, a fact that just made him madder while Iruka sat there calmly continuing to write. "Why do _you_ have a therapist? All you do is teach pre-genin and push paper."

Iruka smiled and kept writing, obviously amused at Kakashi's attempt to taunt him. "I used to have a therapist, I don't anymore. I still write because it's therapeutic. Maybe you should try it, you seem a little tense."

Kakashi growled low in his throat and cracked his knuckles. "I'm not tense."

Iruka looked at him contemplatively over the top of his book. "Yes, you are. And I challenge you to take on a classroom of pre-genin. I doubt you could do it."

Kakashi scowled. "I can do anything you can do."

Iruka sighed and put down his book. "Kakashi-san, why are you trying to bait me?"

"I'm not," Kakashi said stubbornly, crossing his arms across his chest. "The only reason I'm talking to you at all is because there's no one else here."

"Oh Kami," Iruka breathed, running a hand through his unbound hair and rolling his eyes heavenward. "You're just like a child."

"I'm not a child, I'm a genius," Kakashi corrected. "I'll have you remember that."

"Sure sure," Iruka said, "Why are you even mad? It's not because 'Zumo slept in here, is it?"

Kakashi scowled and looked away.

"It is?" Iruka seemed surprised. "Why on earth… did it make you uncomfortable that he was sleeping in my bed? We didn't do anything, if that's what's bothering you."

Kakashi snorted. "Sure you didn't."

Iruka raised an eyebrow. "Yesterday you said you used your nose to play that stupid turkey game. That means you managed to catch scents from outside of Tsunade-sama's barrier. Don't you think if you could do that then you'd be able to smell sex in this room if it had actually happened?"

"Hn." It was true, and Kakashi felt stupid for not having realized it sooner. He felt slightly relieved that nothing had happened between the two chūnin, even though Iruka had every right to sleep with whomever he wanted. It wasn't as if he belonged to Kakashi, after all.

"It's none of your business who I sleep with anyway," Iruka added. "And I don't see why you care. You're not exactly my biggest fan."

Kakashi wondered if he was imagining the bitter undertones in Iruka's voice because it was what he wanted to hear. Probably, he decided. "I do like you," he said carefully.

Iruka stared at him for a minute, then shook his head and snorted. "Right. Because when you like someone you make fun of them and put them down and bring up things told in confidence in front of a large group of people."

"Ah." Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "I didn't really think before saying that. I just wanted to know more about you."

"That was probably not the best way to go about it," Iruka said dryly. "But if you must know, no I don't hate Mizuki. I loved him for a long time. Feelings like that don't just go away, even when you know you really shouldn't feel that way." He gave a self-depreciating laugh. "I always fall for people I shouldn't. I guess I'm much too sentimental to be a good ninja in your book."

Kakashi studied the younger man's face. He didn't fault Iruka for being emotional; in fact he envied him a little. People expected him to be stoic and impassive all the time and for the most part he was. He felt that made him boring, a gray wall, part of the scenery rather than an active character. Iruka, on the other hand, was a firecracker. Unpredictable and beautiful. "You're alive," he said, unsure why exactly he'd voiced his thoughts and knowing Iruka wouldn't understand.

Iruka tilted his head to one side slightly and appraised him carefully. "Alive as opposed to what," he said slowly, "Being dead?"

Kakashi shook his head. "Being me," he corrected.

"You don't really see yourself as alive?" Iruka asked, intrigued.

Kakashi fidgeted. He didn't want to enter into this conversation, because the bubbly little brunet across from him seemed ready to delve happily into his mind and rip out all his secrets. But maybe if he gave up something of himself then Iruka would give something back? "I'm a shinobi," he said carefully. "It's all I do and all I am."

Iruka frowned. "You can't be your job. I'm a teacher when I'm at the academy and dealing with my students, but when I go home or out with friends I'm just Iruka. Surely you have times when you're Just Kakashi?"

"Just Kakashi? No. Nobody wants to know Just Kakashi," Kakashi said resentfully. "Everybody wants to know the Copy-ninja, son of the White Fang, Sharingan no Kakashi. I _am_ my job." He bit his tongue. He hadn't meant to say that, but when he'd started speaking the words just fell out of his mouth and he had no way to shove them back in. "Can't you tell, don't you think that of me too? It's the whole reason for this stupid rigmarole in the first place. Konoha wants my child so they can have another perfect weapon."

Iruka bit his lip. "Have you ever tried being Just Kakashi?" he asked.

Kakashi shrugged. "Nobody wants Just Kakashi, so I am Sharingan no Kakashi to everyone. It's everything I know."

"I don't think you're Sharingan no Kakashi when you talk to me most of the time," Iruka said quietly. "I think I like Just Kakashi better."

Kakashi paused and thought about it. He did share his thoughts in a particularly uninhibited way around Iruka. It made him stress a little because he was so used to controlling what came out of his mouth but it was relieving, too, in an odd sort of way. He felt better for having someone to talk to. "You don't hate Just Kakashi?"

Iruka smiled. "No, I really like Just Kakashi."

Kakashi had to admit to himself unhappily that this confession just made him like Just Iruka a lot more. He didn't need to like Iruka any more than he already did, it was _dangerous_. "What am I supposed to be doing today?" he asked abruptly, not because he wanted to know but because he desperately needed to change the subject before he blurted out something stupid like _I love Just Iruka._

Iruka's smile dimmed a bit, but he held onto it valiantly. "You're going to meet the families of your suitors," he said emotionlessly.

Kakashi took a moment to process his words and then stared at Iruka in open shock. "You're coming with me too, right?"

Iruka shook his head. "Why would I go? You're supposed to be devoting all your attention on your lovely ladies, and convincing their families that you would be good for them to spend the rest of their lives with. I have nothing to do with that."

"But if you're not there who's going to stop me from killing Hiashi?" Kakashi said worriedly. "He's going to _stare_ at me with those creepy eyes of his and just – every little movement and sound he makes insinuates that I'm doing something wrong and that I'm not good enough. I won't be allowed to insult him and I don't know if I can handle it."

"I don't think he likes me any more than he likes you," Iruka said with a smile. "He's been looking for a way to get me fired for a long time. Apparently I wasn't harsh enough on his daughter."

"Hinata is more than talented enough to be a chūnin, and she could probably even make jōnin in a couple of years," Kakashi said, confused.

"Yes, but I didn't turn her into a cold-blooded, heartless killer," Iruka said, rolling of his eyes. "Nothing short of that would please Hyūga-san."

"So you didn't turn her into me," Kakashi said coolly.

Iruka looked surprised, not having realized he'd said something that could be taken as wrong. "No, you're not heartless. If you were you wouldn't have said what you did to Kurenai yesterday. Your main reason for letting her go was that she already has a child and you feel like you need the nine months of pregnancy to get used to becoming a father rather than being one straight away, am I right?"

Kakashi frowned, not liking that the chūnin seemed able to read his mind. "How did you know that?" he demanded.

"The way you were looking at Hiruzen, and the conversation we had in the morning. You're not all that difficult to read, I just have to turn my world view upside down, spin it around a couple of times and then scratch away most of my logic. Your brain works in an interesting fashion."

Kakashi didn't know whether to find that insulting or frightening, but opted on frightening. If Iruka truly could read his mind he'd see Kakashi's desire for him and probably be disgusted by it. "You should keep out of my head," he said flatly.

Iruka laughed. "You don't want people to try and understand you? I guess there's a certain element of suavity in being the mysterious masked man of Konoha. Though once you have a wife and kids that title won't be quite the same."

Kakashi did not want to think about having a wife and kids. He was an assassin, not a family man.

Someone knocked tentatively on the door and Iruka got up to answer it, disappearing outside and shutting the door behind him once he saw who it was. He was back a few minutes later, holding up a camera. "Looks like I'll be coming with you anyway," he said, shrugging. "'Zumo's worried that the Kotetsu will do something wrong and either get himself killed by Hyūga-san or the Kazekage by making suggestive comments towards either Temari or Hinata. So he's going to stay here and make sure 'Tetsu doesn't leave his room." He frowned. "But I think he also doesn't want to see you. You scared him last night."

Kakashi shrugged, although he felt better knowing that Izumo wouldn't be around giving him shifty looks. "He shouldn't tell lies then."

"Why would Izumo lie to you?" Iruka asked. "He's generally a pretty honest person. What did he say?"

Kakashi wasn't about to embarrass himself by tell Iruka that Izumo had said he had a crush on him. No matter how preposterous he thought the idea was he still didn't want to say it and then get irrefutable proof that Iruka only liked him as a friend, if he really did like him at all. He was quite content to just pretend there was a sliver of a chance. "It's not important," Kakashi lied through his teeth. Despite all his experience with it it was harder than he'd thought to lie to Iruka. "Where are we going first?"

Iruka stared at him for a bit, then decided to drop it, although Kakashi could tell he would bring it up later, that sneaky chūnin. "The Hyūga mansion."

**o0o**

The Hyūga mansion was huge and intimidating, and Kakashi couldn't for the life of him figure out why anyone would want so much space, particularly with how small the Hyūga clan had become. The door was answered by Hyūga Neji, dressed in a plain formal black kimono, who bowed and stepped aside for them. Iruka smiled and thanked him, earning a small smile from the boy in return.

Kakashi pitied the kid. Growing up in the Hyūga household first off, and then being shipped off into Gai's team as soon as he made genin? No wonder he always droned on about fate and destiny. With a life like that you wouldn't want to believe you had chosen the path you were on.

"Come through," Neji said quietly, leading them into a sunny room, the walls of which were covered in detailed painting in the traditional Japanese art style. He motioned for them to sit down at the low table in the centre of the room, and then disappeared.

He reappeared moments later with a tea tray set with four bone china teacups, an ornamental teapot and a plate of rather dry looking biscuits. Kakashi picked up a cup delicately with his pointer finger and thumb and held his pinkie out straight, pretending to sip tea.

Iruka let out a choked noise that sounded suspiciously like giggling but nudged him sharply with his foot. "Don't get us kicked out," he whispered.

Kakashi looked up to see Hiashi waddling over, swathed in enough layers of formal dress to drown a small village. He felt decidedly underdressed in his jeans and sweater, but decided he didn't really care. Hiashi had never been a person he'd particularly wanted to please.

Following him came Hinata, who was wearing more pink than Kakashi had ever seen in his life. He wondered if it had been her father's intention to make her look younger, because if so he had certainly succeeded. She wore a gigantic pink bow in her hair, and pink satin gloves that came up to her elbows. The dress itself would have impressed any self-respecting Disney princess – it was more bows and ruffles than actual garment, and had a humungous hoop skirt. If she bobbed down a little, Kakashi thought humourously, she'd look a bit like a large cake.

"Ohayo, Kakashi-san, Iruka-sensei," Hinata said, attempting a bow but finding herself unable to bend very well.

Kakashi grinned. "Ohayo, Hinata. You're looking very… pink today."

Hinata flushed and Iruka pinched his leg, hard. She blushed even harder when she went to sit down and found that she couldn't because the overly large skirt got in the way. Her red face made her look even more like a cake, and Kakashi found himself slightly ashamed for finding amusement in her obvious discomfit. Hiashi made no move to help his daughter, who shifted from foot to foot, tapping her pointer fingers together anxiously. Kakashi considered helping her out but figured he'd be castrated if he so much as touched the hem of that skirt.

Hiashi glared at him, and then shifted his gaze to Iruka. "Why is he here?"

"I am here to record this meeting for the show," Iruka said.

"And to stop me from messing up too badly," Kakashi added with a fake smile. He had decided that since the arrogant Hyūga didn't seem to care too much for his daughter's well-being and was set on being dismissive of Iruka – Hiashi had directed his question at him, not intending the chūnin to answer for himself – that he was going to make this meeting as uncomfortable as possible for the man.

Iruka pinched his thigh again angrily, but said with a completely straight face, "Kakashi-san needs a certain measure of help when it comes to being civil with normal people, Hyūga-san. I apologise for his brusque manner."

Hiashi barely acknowledged him, instead appraising Kakashi. "You seem well-built enough," he mused. "It's a pity I can't see your face though."

Kakashi felt uncomfortably like a racehorse being valued for sale. "I'm not just well-built," he said cheerfully, "I'm also well-hun- oww." Iruka was getting more desperately vicious with his pinching, he noticed with naughty glee.

Hiashi raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow. "Well-hun?"

"Well-hungered," Iruka cut in sharply before Kakashi could say anything condemning. "He means he has a big appetite."

Hiashi ignored him and poured himself a cup of tea, lifting it to his lips while still staring at Kakashi. It was unnerving, to say the least. Hinata stopped her fluttering and just stood dejectedly behind her father, woefully accepting of her fate. Hiashi nodded to himself as if confirming something. "A Hyūga-Hatake child would be a great addition to this clan."

"Ah, so my child would be a weapon to you?" Kakashi asked.

Hiashi looked at him in mild surprise. "What else are children for? You raise them to be strong and carry on your legacy, and hopefully they don't turn out to be useless." He glanced at Hinata out of the corner of his eye, causing her to hang her head in shame.

Kakashi clenched his fists under the table, ready to attack the man for his ignorant insults, but Iruka got there first. "Don't you dare insult any student of mine," he snarled, and lunged at Hiashi.

The head of the Hyūga's merely raised a hand and pushed it palm forward into his stomach, making him collapse onto the table. Hinata gasped, and Kakashi grabbed the teapot so he wouldn't end up with boiling hot tea all over him. Hiashi sipped his tea and glare at Iruka disdainfully. "I don't understand why Neji would let such a pathetic, uncouth _chūnin _into my house anyway."

Kakashi narrowed his eyes at him. "Then I guess I will take him out of your house for you," he said coolly, and threw Iruka unceremoniously over his shoulder. After a second's thought he grabbed the camera as well. It wouldn't do for Iruka to get in trouble for not doing his job properly, and Izumo would be on the warpath if he found out about any of this.

"You're leaving?" Hiashi asked, sounding bored.

"This _chūnin_ is worth a thousand times more than you to this village, Hyūga-chan," Kakashi said spitefully, striding out of the room. As he left he shot a wink at Hinata, who just looked horrified. He smirked. He'd just thought of the best way to let Hinata out of the competition gently.

**o0o**

"You can put me down now, Kakashi-san." Iruka wiggled.

Kakashi patted his back and held him tighter. "No, I don't think so."

"Why not?" Iruka kicked him, his foot hitting dangerously close to his crotch. "I'm not an invalid, you know."

"As you wish." Kakashi stopped walking and dumped his cargo of chūnin on the ground.

Iruka winced and clutched at his chest. "Crap. He got one of my main chakra pathways. You'd think I'd have learnt about that reaction by now, the amount of Hyūga's I've had to teach."

Kakashi grinned. "That was pretty impressive though, Sensei. I didn't expect you to try and take out a Hyūga all by yourself."

Iruka scowled, and then sighed. "I didn't think, I just reacted. I'm sorry I messed that up for you."

"Maa, if you hadn't done it I would have," Kakashi admitted. "And that would probably have been a whole lot messier."

Iruka smiled, and then looked down at his feet. "Did you – did you mean what you said before? About me being better than Hyūga?" His cheeks tinged red. "No, never mind. You don't have to answer that."

"I did," Kakashi said truthfully. "If Tsunade is the face of the village, as it's leader, and I am one of its fists, as a soldier, then you're the backbone. It's not just students that come to you to get stronger, either." He smiled at his own analogy. "Hyūga Hiashi, on the other hand, is the appendix. He has no known function and when he makes his existence known to people he's just a pain in the gut."

Iruka laughed. "I'm still going to get in trouble for trying to hit him, aren't I? The appendix tends to put up a bit of a fight."

"Maa, I won't tell if you won't." Kakashi gave him a real smile. He felt a lot better just being away from the overbearing Hyūga.

Iruka smiled back warmly. "I don't think that'll matter. He's bound to tell Tsunade-sama anyway, just to spite me. Call me a danger to society and try to take away my teaching license."

"He'll never manage to do that though, because all your students are exceedingly loyal to you. Particularly Naruto," Kakashi said.

"I know. I think I can stand up now, could you," Iruka looked slightly to the left of Kakashi, unable to meet his eyes, "Help me up?"

"Sure." Kakashi grasped the hand held out to him and pulled him off the ground. Iruka stumbled a little, and grabbed on to Kakashi's shirt with his other hand to keep himself upright.

He smiled up at the jōnin sheepishly. "Sorry."

"Maa, it's alright." Kakashi shrugged and daringly wrapped his arm around Iruka's lower back, "To help you balance," he said, holding his breath for the moment Iruka would pull away from him.

To his immense surprise Iruka didn't pull away, instead giving a small sound of surprise then hesitantly leaning back into his grip. "Thank you," the chūnin said, and he sounded a little breathless. Kakashi put it down to the fact that he'd had one of his major chakra pathways burnt out and couldn't breathe all that well. "We should probably go see Temari-san now, you're supposed to meet her for lunch."

"Oh. Okay." He was a little disappointed he couldn't spend more time talking to Iruka, but he supposed it couldn't be helped, and it would probably be better to get it over with sooner rather than later. "Lead the way."

**o0o**

Kakashi was sweating, and it wasn't because he was nervous. No, it was because these damn Suna ninja seemed to think that Konoha was cold and to compensate for that they'd turned up the hot air conditioning and shut all the doors and windows to the pokey little hotel room they were staying in.

Kakashi nodded to the siblings. "Temari. Kankurō. Gaara."

Iruka pinched him and he yelped. "What was that for?" he said indignantly. "I'm not exactly going to be rude to them, they're not assholes like that prick Hiashi."

"You can't just call him that," Iruka said, flapping a hand at Gaara uselessly. "He's the _Kazekage._ You need to show some respect."

"It's alright." Gaara held up a pale hand for peace. "Kakashi-san can call me whatever he wants. After all, he did show faith in me when my own village didn't." His unsettlingly green eyes focused on Iruka. "Who are you?"

"Umino Iruka, Kazekage-sama," Iruka said, flinching a little under the intense gaze.

"Umino Iruka." Gaara rested his elbows on the table and rested his chin on his folded hands, studying the chūnin carefully. "You're Naruto's precious person, aren't you? You were the one who stopped him from becoming like me."

"Ah, well, I wouldn't say that exactly." Iruka flushed red and scratched viciously at his nose. "I'm not really anything special."

Kakashi snorted. "Because backbones aren't all that important, right?"

Iruka shot him a 'keep out of this, you'll just make things horribly confusing' look, which was a refreshing change to the 'what the hell are you talking about' looks emanating from Temari and Kankurō. Gaara, however, just kept staring at Iruka, who shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"You don't look very strong," the redhead observed.

"I'm not," Iruka replied honestly. "Naruto himself is a lot stronger than I am."

Gaara narrowed his eyes, attempting to see what Naruto saw in this man, tendrils of sand leaking out of his gourd and under the table to examine his newest interest. "Why does he speak so highly of you, then?"

"There's more to life than just being physically strong," Iruka said, wary of the sand, having heard from the aforementioned blond exactly what Gaara could do with it. "Naruto is like a little brother to me, and younger brothers often look up to their siblings."

Kankurō glanced at Gaara, knowing that _his_ little brother had damn well never looked up to him. It made a certain sick amount of sense that he didn't, though, considering the way they'd been brought up. Why would you look up to anyone when you're six years old and the strongest person in your entire village?

Temari cleared her throat. "Aren't we supposed to be talking about me here?" She fluttered her eyelashes. "And Kakashi-san, of course."

"Talking about what?" Kakashi said abruptly. "Are there some sort of rules for this?"

Temari seemed at a loss for words for a while. "Well, we could talk about whether we want a boy or a girl first, how many children you want, where we would live if you chose me, that sort of thing."

"Is there any point deciding on the gender of the baby when there's no way you can choose it? I will have only one child because I have to have one. And I will be living in my father's house," Kakashi said abruptly. "That's the end of that discussion, right?"

Even Gaara looked away from his new interest to stare at him. Iruka sighed. "Do you have PMS or something? You've been mood swinging terribly ever since you got up."

_Maybe I just don't want to get married and have my entire future laid out for my by somebody else_, Kakashi thought at him viciously. He scrunched his eye up into a forced smile. "Maa, I got lost on the road of life last night and the Anger Fairy saw me and cursed me."

He waited for them to shout "Liar!" for a few seconds before remembering they weren't his team and they weren't mad at him for being late. "He's a right bastard, he is," he added for emphasis.

Gaara blinked his dark-rimmed eyes. "What turns a person into a compulsive liar?" he asked.

"Having a lot of secrets," Kakashi replied smoothly. He was a bit uneasy with Gaara's fascination over Iruka and was glad that the jinchūriki's attention was now all on him.

"And what secrets do you have?"

"They wouldn't be secret if I told you, now would they?" Kakashi said easily.

"I guess not."

"Can we get food now?" Kankurō demanded, breaking through their staring competition. "I'm hungry and this was supposed to be a lunch date, wasn't it?"

"Yes," Gaara said, his sand flowing smoothly back into the gourd on his back. "We're going to Ichiraku Ramen."

"Ramen?" Kankurō scoffed. "Isn't everything you buy here put on the village's tab? We should get something better than that."

"It's Naruto's favourite," Gaara said obstinately, "I have to try it."

"Ichiraku Ramen is pretty good," Iruka said, sighing almost despondently. "It's been a long time since I've been there."

Kakashi translated that to 'it's been a long time since I've seen Naruto' and gave him what he hoped was a comforting smile. Iruka didn't seem to notice, and Kakashi guessed it was the mask. Oh well, he'd tried.

The walk to the ramen bar was not a lot different than usual for Kakashi; people stared without shame and moved out of their way hurriedly. Apparently this was new for Iruka, who kept looking around in wonder. "Do people act like this around you all the time?" he asked Gaara, who looked at him blankly.

"People get like this when they're in awe of you," Kakashi said, seeing as Gaara seemed content to just ignore the question because he didn't understand it. "You're too friendly. If you want this you have to be more aloof."

"I don't want this," Iruka said, shivering. "It's kind of creepy. Do people do this to you, Kakashi-san?"

"Most of the time, yes," Kakashi admitted. "That's what the Icha Icha's for, you know. It's a rather convenient buffer."

Iruka frowned. "I don't get it. Do you read the Icha Icha to get people to stay away from you, or do people stay away from you because of the Icha Icha? Or is it that you read it to pretend that it's your choice no one is talking to you?"

"Yes," Kakashi said with his biggest, brightest eye-smile.

"That's not an answer," Iruka growled.

"I know," Kakashi said, his voice inviting no further comment.

They stopped in front of the ramen stand, the owner smiling warmly at both Iruka and Kakashi and immediately commenting on the fact that they'd come without Naruto. "Where's my favourite customer? I haven't seen him very often lately."

Iruka gave a helpless shrug. "I've probably seen him less than you have, Teuchi-san. Everybody has been wanting a piece of him lately. He doesn't have time for an old school teacher."

Iruka's unhappiness at this rolled off him in palpable waves. It may have just been obvious to Kakashi because he had found himself in a similar situation, though. Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura had all outgrown Iruka and moved on to Kakashi, a stronger and more famous teacher. That was fine, because it was what generally happened when pre-genin became genin. But then Kakashi had found they'd outgrown him as well, much too soon, to be taken on by shinobi even more famous and powerful than he. The three little snippets of friendship, of what he'd thought were budding relationships, had been cut short and he'd been left alone again. He'd seriously considered rejoining ANBU at that point.

He almost reached out to touch Iruka but then thought better of it. His hands weren't designed for making people feel better, they were designed for killing. "He'll come back to you once he's got himself sorted out, Sensei. He loves you," he said quietly instead. He kicked away the thought that said that even though he was absolutely certain Naruto would come back for Iruka the chances of him coming back for Kakashi himself were very slim. 'Just Kakashi' just wasn't worth that much.

Gaara nodded solemnly. "Every time I see him he talks about you. You're kami in human form, in his opinion." He turned to Teuchi. "Could I have Naruto's favourite?"

"I'm sorry, but I don't think Naruto-kun has a favourite," Teuchi said apologetically. "He eats every dish I make."

"Then I will have all of them," Gaara said in his emotionless voice.

"Uh, Gaara? I don't think you could manage that," Temari said uneasily. "Maybe you could try just a couple of flavours?"

"I will have all of them," Gaara repeated.

"I could give you combination ramen, which combines three different dishes," Teuchi suggested, sensing the dangerous air brewing around the strange red-headed kid. "Naruto-kun often has that."

Gaara mulled this option over silently for a while, everyone else holding their breath for his decision. He opened his mouth slowly and said, "Iruka-sen_seiii,_ you've come to buy me ramen, haven't you? That's awesome, dattebayo!"

Gaara closed his mouth with an audible snap, and the group turned as one to look at the entrance to Ichiraku. "Oh, cool, you even brought Gaara and Kaka-sensei! You're the best, Iruka-sensei!"

And then Iruka had a writhing mass of blond and orange clinging to his middle, talking a mile a minute at him. "And then, he told me I had to stay still for ages to learn the new jutsu and stuff, and then I was really good at it and the old frog guy said I'm better than ero-sennin already but he calls me Naruto-chan like I'm a girl or something and I'm not a _girl_ I'm much stronger than a girl and I – ooooww."

Temari had jerked Naruto's head back by grabbing a large handful of hair and was glaring at him. "This is _my_ date and you're ruining it," she hissed. "Tell Gaara what he's supposed to eat and then buzz off. You can take Iruka-san with you if you like."

Naruto let go of Iruka and rubbed his head, his wounded expression quickly being replaced by an utterly confused one. "I thought Gaara and Kankurō were your brothers? How can you be on a date?"

"I'm on a date with Kakashi-san," Temari said, smiling prettily at Kakashi, her eye glinting malice.

"Kaka-sensei?" Naruto's eyes widened so much Kakashi thought they were going to fall out of his head. "But he's _old._ And who'd want to date him anyway? This is a joke, right?"

Iruka ruffled the blond's hair and smiled genially at him. "It's not a joke, Naruto. Where have you been for the last week?"

"I just told you." Naruto folded his arms over his chest and looked quite put out. "I was training with frogs."

"Kakashi-sensei has to look for a girlfriend," Iruka explained, not wanting to go into the politics of producing an heir. "Temari-san is one of the kunoichi he's looking at choosing."

Naruto squinted at Kakashi. "I still don't understand why anyone would want to be his girlfriend. He's a lazy, perverted bastard."

"Na-ru-to." Iruka's voice lowered to a dangerous level. "Do not insult Kakashi-sensei like that, or any other teacher for that matter. Kakashi-san is actually very kind, intelligent, and handsome." Kakashi's ears perked up at the last part. And did Iruka's cheeks flush a little red? It was hard to tell in the darkness of the ramen bar, but he hoped so. "Even though he is incredibly _stupid_ when it comes to some things."

"He can't be handsome," Naruto scoffed, "He wears that stupid mask all the time. It must mean he's hideous."

"Naruto," Gaara said tonelessly, "If you keep talking my sister is going to castrate you."

"Eh? What's cat straight?"

"Never mind." Iruka hurriedly pushed Naruto towards Gaara. "Gaara wants to try your favourite ramen, maybe you can help him decide what to get."

Naruto's eyes lit up. "Ramen?" He pushed his way through the group and sat down at the bar. "Old man, get me five of your best. And get Gaara the same." He gave the stoic Sand-nin a one-armed hug. "Ramen is like paradise. Once you've tasted this you'll never want to eat anything else again."

The ramen shop owner's face crinkled into a smile. "Anything for my best customer."

Temari tapped Naruto on the shoulder, perhaps a little harder than necessary. "You can't sit there."

"Why not?" Naruto said indignantly. "This is where the ramen comes to first."

"Because _I_ want to sit by Kakashi-san."

"Gees, if you really want to be that close to him why don't you just sit on his knee?" Naruto said angrily. "I haven't had ramen for _three days_, and I'm starving."

Temari looked at Kakashi contemplatively, her gaze travelling slowly down to his waist. He gulped and stepped backwards off the stool, tripping into the person who'd been sitting on his other side. Iruka put his hands up reflexively to catch the jōnin who'd about tumbled into his lap, effectively short circuiting Kakashi's brain. "Uh, you can have my stand. I'll seat. I mean, have my seat. I'll stand."

Temari clasped her hands together and _cooed_ at him, thinking he was flustered because of Naruto's uncouth suggestion. "That is too cute. I never would have guessed you were shy. And gentlemanly."

Iruka's hands left his back and Kakashi barely stopped himself from instinctively leaning back into the younger man's warmth. "Maa, I have my moments," he said carelessly.

"It's adorable."

He could almost swear that Temari's eyes had little hearts in them, and wondered what exactly it was that made girls act like this around him and what he could do to change it. Really, he preferred kunoichi when they were kunoichi and not when they were acting like love-struck schoolgirls.

Temari sat down daintily on the stool, placed her hands in her lap and stared up at him adoringly. He stepped back again, forgetting Iruka was there until a finger shot out and jabbed him in the small of his back. "You're a piss poor excuse for a jōnin," the chūnin growled under his breath. "Look where you're going."

"He's not a useless jōnin," Temari snapped, hearing him, "He's the most wonderful, perfect, spectacular man ever created." Kakashi blinked, wondering if she was about to start vomiting rainbows. He'd never heard anything so sappy in his life, and he read Icha Icha.

Iruka raised an eyebrow in blatant disbelief but didn't say anything as Teuchi chose that moment to place bowls in front of them. "I made the same for everyone," he explained. "I thought you'd all be hungry."

Iruka smiled at the old man. "Thank you Teuchi-san, that was very thoughtful of you."

Teuchi grinned back. "Without you and Naruto-kun I'm not sure I'd have a business at all. It's good to see you back."

"Is guut to be buk," Naruto said through a mouthful of noodles.

"It is," Iruka said happily, breaking his chopsticks apart and looking at his bowl. "This looks delicious."

Kakashi looked down at his own bowl, then at Temari, and realized that once again he was going to be forfeiting food. He wondered absently whether it would be worth just foregoing the mask and baring his face for the sake of ramen. The shock value would be amazing. He had the feeling Naruto would feel cheated if he surreptitiously slipped his mask down and left it down, wanting to 'earn' the right to see his face, whatever that meant. It would successfully put a dampener on Temari too, seeing as she seemed to be daydreaming about being his wife and therefore the only person who'd get to see his face. He couldn't be bothered telling her that the only time he took his mask off was when he showered, and he liked his privacy far too much to ever invite someone to share one of those with him.

On the other hand, his instincts wouldn't let him bare his face. The last person who had seen it, as far as he could remember, had been Minato, and he didn't really want to change that. Shinobi were nosy, and they would gossip for a long time if he so much as showed his nose. And then they would redouble their efforts to see what he looked like. Kakashi sighed. Oh, the troubles of being a celebrity.

"Are you going to eat that?" Naruto asked, pointing to his bowl.

"Maa, what will you give me if I give it to you?" Kakashi said, snapping back to reality and pretending he hadn't just been drifting off. He had the feeling Temari might have been talking at him, but he wasn't sure and couldn't really find it in himself to care.

Naruto screwed up his face in thought. "I don't know, what do you want for it?"

Kakashi hadn't really been expecting anything out of him, so he was surprised by the offer. There was only one thing he really wanted, and that was to get out of this stupid competition, but he doubted even Naruto could get Tsunade to back down on that. "When this competition is over," he said, clapping a hand on the boy's shoulder, "You're coming on a double date with my new partner and I." _That should be suitably awkward._

Naruto's face screwed up even more. "But a double date means I have to have a girlfriend too." His face twisted itself back to normal and he grinned. "I know! I'll bring Sakura-chan and she'll finally think I'm awesome!"

"No you won't," Kakashi cut in. "I'm choosing your date." _Hinata, you better thank me for this._

Naruto narrowed his eyes. "You're not going to do something weird like put Choji in a dress, are you? Because they've done that to me before."

Kakashi waved away his suspicions. "No, the person I have for you is definitely female, and very beautiful. You'll like her."

Naruto looked at him dubiously. "If you say so. Can I have your ramen now?"

"Go ahead." Kakashi pushed the bowl towards him only to have it snatched out of his hands and immediately inhaled. "You really shouldn't eat so fast, you know."

Behind him Iruka snorted. "Look who's talking."

Kakashi shrugged. "Maa, I've had more practice."

Temari stamped her foot. "Why aren't you paying attention to me? I'm the one you need to fall in love with."

"Who said anything about love?" Kakashi asked. "I thought you wanted to see this as a transaction to strengthen the bond between our villages?"

"I did, but," Temari faltered, "Then I got to know you and I really like you."

Kakashi shook his head. He didn't think he'd ever understand females. "You don't know me."

"Well I feel like I know you," Temari argued. "And I would really like to get to know you better."

He wondered if she understood what she was saying. Probably not. She didn't know that all he did with his life was read porn, talk to dead people and take missions. She didn't know that when he came home from bad missions he would tear apart his whole house before coming back to himself and collapsing where he stood. She didn't know that when he smiled with his eye closed it was always, always fake. And if she got to the point where she did know any of that then she would no longer want to. Nobody ever did.

"Kakashi-san, could I speak to you alone?" Gaara asked politely. He appeared to have eaten perhaps half of his ramen and didn't seem inclined to continue. Kakashi couldn't help but grin. He had the feeling that Naruto's general state of perfection had gone down quite a bit in the red haired jinchūriki's eyes.

"Gaara, don't you take him away from me too," Temari whined.

Gaara turned slowly to stare at her and she wisely shut up.

"Maa, if you want," Kakashi said lazily, but eyed Gaara carefully. The young leader never did anything without a purpose, so he must have a particular reason for wanting to talk to him by himself.

Gaara stood up and walked out of the ramen shop, motioning for Kakashi to follow. Once outside he jumped onto the roof, Kakashi trailing behind him. Gaara turned to face him, staring solemnly. "Don't marry my sister."

"What?" Kakashi blinked. He'd run through a few possible scenarios on his way up here but hadn't even considered _that._

"She really likes you and she thinks that you will make her happy but you won't," Gaara said flatly. "You don't like her, and she's not cut out to be a stay-at-home-mother. She'll end up miserable."

Kakashi smiled warmly, though Gaara couldn't see the movement. "I'm glad to see this change in you, caring about your siblings."

Gaara's expression didn't change. Actually, Kakashi was starting to wonder if he _had_ expressions. "So will you or won't you?"

"No. I don't intend to marry Temari," Kakashi said honestly.

Gaara nodded. "That would be for the best."

And it would be for the best, he realized. Once she got over her little crush and realized that he wasn't the most perfect person in the world, far from it, actually, the she'd probably turn into a demanding, bitchy housewife. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to handle that.

**o0o**

"Oi, Gaara!" Naruto shouted as soon as they walked back into the shop, "Kankurō ate your ramen."

"I don't mind," Gaara said, looking a little surprised to hear someone be indignant over how he was being treated. "I wasn't hungry anyway."

Naruto pouted. "But _I_ was going to ask you if I could have it. He didn't even ask. It's not fair."

Kankurō stuck his tongue out at the blond. "I'm the visitor to your village. The host is not supposed to complain about his guests until after they're gone."

"But it's _ramen,_" Naruto exploded, as if that explained everything. "You can't just treat it like that. You have to respect it."

"Naruto, be polite," Iruka ordered in a sharp voice, and the boy instantly settled down. Kakashi wished he had that kind of power.

"I don't care about ramen," Temari moaned. "I just want to spend time with Kakashi-san."

"Well, that's the end of it, I'm afraid," Kakashi said, giving a closed-eye smile. He didn't want to stick around here much longer after Gaara's veiled warning, and he still had to talk to Yūgao. "Iruka-sensei, we have to go."

Iruka looked almost as disappointed as Temari, but got up without complaint. Kakashi felt kind of bad for taking away from his time with his favourite blond nuisance, but shrugged it off. He couldn't be having that much of a good time with Temari whining on and on about 'her Kakashi-san' to him.

"Can I come too?" Naruto asked, perking up. "You're going to meet another lady-friend, aren't you? I want to see."

"No, Naruto, this is adult stuff," Kakashi said, talking down to him and patting him on the head specifically to rile him up. "I'd hope you'd be at least ten years older before you do what I'm going to do."

Iruka choked. "Kakashi-san! What _exactly_ are you planning on doing to Yūgao-san?"

Temari looked positively murderous. "I want to come too. You didn't touch me at all, so you're not touching her."

Kakashi put on his best surprised face, and felt slightly annoyed that most of the effect was ruined by the mask. "Maa, who said anything about touching anybody? I'm supposed to see Yūgao's family, right? And you know where Yūgao will go to visit her family, don't you?"

Temari just looked confused, but the gasp and the softening of Iruka's eyes was totally worth it. "He's right, Naruto, I don't want you to do that either." He pulled the boy into a frantic hug, much to Kakashi's amusement.

Naruto struggled a little bit, and then stopped bothering because Iruka knew how to hang on when he wanted to and he was stuck in a hopeless situation. Instead he squeaked a desperate, "Iruka-sensei…"

"Iruka-sensei, we need to go," Kakashi pointed out. "Temari-san, I will see you this afternoon."

"With a kunai?" Temari said hopefully.

"With two of them," Kakashi replied with a smile. "You'll have to wait and see if one is for you."

He hopped onto the roof of the ramen bar and gave a short bow. "Goodbye Gaara, Kankurō. Naruto, make yourself useful and show the Kazekage around the city."

Naruto squinted up at him, confused. "Who's the Kazekage?"

Kakashi looked behind him pointedly.

Naruto wheeled around, and his mouth fell open. "Whaa? Gaara?"

Gaara inclined his head slightly in confirmation.

"No way. I was supposed to be Hokage first," Naruto pouted.

"You're not mature enough to be the leader of a village," Kankurō pointed out.

Temari folded her arms across her chest and just generally looked threatening. Iruka decided it was probably time to sidle away, and jumped up on the roof beside Kakashi. "Okay, I think I'm ready to go now," he said, looking nervously at the Sand-nin and his favourite genin. "Do you think he'll be okay?"

"About time," Kakashi drawled, and headed off to where Yūgao would be via rooftop. "And don't bother worrying about Naruto, he's virtually indestructible."

Iruka scowled, following him closely. "That doesn't mean I shouldn't worry about him. He's still just a boy, and boys make mistakes." He paused. "And it wasn't very nice of you to make that comment. You _knew_ that everyone would assume you were referring to sexual things and not visiting the memorial stone. Sometimes I think you're trying to rile me up on purpose, but I can't think of a reason for you to do that."

"Maa, Sensei, it's not my fault you have a dirty mind," Kakashi said, smirking because he knew Iruka couldn't see it and hit him for it. "And besides, I doubt Naruto would have thought that, so no harm done, ne?"

"Just because Naruto is innocent now doesn't mean he'll stay that way if you keep subjecting him to your perverted ways," Iruka said angrily. "And I do not have a dirty mind."

"What's a four letter word for a woman ending in U N T?" Kakashi asked.

Iruka spluttered. "Kakashi-san, don't ask me questions like that!"

Kakashi turned to look at him, and smiled beneath the mask. Iruka's face was a blazing red. "Ne, Iruka-sensei, the word 'Aunt' shouldn't make you blush like that. I'm going to have to diagnose you as perverted."

Iruka growled and leaped at him, catching him simply because he hadn't been expecting it and almost tumbling him off the roof he was currently on, his sandaled feet scrambling desperately for purchase on the tiles. Iruka had bunches of his shirt in his fists, his face inches from his own, and he looked like he was about to murder somebody. And there was a ninety eight percent chance that that 'somebody' was him. Iruka was physically shaking him, his voice trembling with indignant anger. "You" – shake – "Arrogant" – shake – "Sonovabitch!"

Kakashi didn't think he'd ever been so turned on in his life. He couldn't think, not with his brain rattling around in his head like that, and not with a red-faced, adorably fuming academy sensei's breath ghosting over his lips like liquid fire – it didn't matter that Iruka was yelling, or _what_ he was yelling, the fact that he was _right there_ was all that mattered.

And that was why he yanked down the mask and pressed his lips against said adorable teacher's mouth. Iruka's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to protest so Kakashi, never one to miss an opportunity, slipped his tongue in. He used it to probe the inside of Iruka's top lip, then explored further in, marveling at how the younger man tasted slightly of ramen. Somewhere in the back of his mind it registered that Iruka had stopped shaking him, but was still staring wide-eyed and definitely not kissing back. He tilted his head a little to change the angle of his lips and flicked Iruka's tongue gently with his own. Slowly, hesitantly, Iruka mimicked the movement. Kakashi encouraged it, and before he could quite figure out what had happened his tongue was forced back into his own mouth with Iruka's following it, and _gods_ that man could kiss. Kakashi felt like he was melting, like Iruka was destroying everything he was, but he couldn't care less.

Until he remembered why he was with Iruka in the first place, the kunoichi, and oh gods what the hell had he been _thinking? _The fact that Iruka had kissed him back was downright horrifying. He didn't want to know that he had a chance. Abruptly he pushed Iruka away, hauling his mask back into place. The chūnin stumbled a little, staring at him with slightly hazy eyes, cheeks flushed and the tip of his pink tongue poking deliciously out of the corner of his mouth. Kakashi wanted to kiss him again.

"I'm going to see Yūgao alone," he said when he felt he could talk normally. "It will be awkward if you are there."

Iruka blinked his big doe eyes. "Yūgao?" Then something in his brain must have clicked because the film of confusion surrounding him disappeared to be replaced by an oppressing wave of sadness, interspersed with slivers of hope. "Oh. I -"

"Ja ne, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi said, giving him a cheery wave and an eye-smile, and disappeared in a puff of smoke. The slivers of hope went with him.

**o0o**

Kakashi stared at the memorial stone and cursed himself. He should not have kissed Iruka, no matter how tempting it was. Why did that damned chūnin have to be so beautiful and pleasant and short-tempered and most of all, which cursed god had decided to tempt fate by making Iruka _like him back?_ Of course, Iruka could just have been reacting to the contact, seeing as Kakashi knew for certain he hadn't gotten laid in at least a week. But given what Izumo had said, Kakashi was sure it was more than just a coincidence. Iruka had kissed him back because it was him, and he liked him.

It didn't help that more than just a small part of his mind had dedicated itself to imagining that the rest of Iruka was just as soft and sweet as his mouth was.

"You look troubled." Kakashi looked up to see Yūgao walking towards him, a bouquet of lilies in her hand. "You know you didn't have to come here. I like the solitude."

There was one red rose amongst the lilies, and Kakashi realized with a jolt that it was for Hayate. "Maa, just remembering that most of the people I care about are dead," he lied, and felt kind of bad for it. He'd always used other things as excuses for when he'd been visiting the dead and lost track of time, but he'd never used them as an excuse themselves before. "And I'm sure you know that I come here often anyway."

Yūgao gave him a small, secret smile. "It's alright, I don't mind if you lie to me."

Kakashi didn't know what to say to that, so he didn't say anything at all. They stood in a companionable silence for a while, each drifting in their own thoughts. _Sensei, what would you do?_ Kakashi pleaded, though he didn't expect an answer. He glanced at the woman beside him out of the corner of his eye. Her eyes were closed, and he had the feeling that she was doing something similar to him. She was wearing a long white yukata tied with a violet obi, simply knotted, and he knew that he could quite easily co-exist with this woman. They would live together and she would have his child but they would be more like mission partners than parents.

"Yūgao," he said softly, and she opened her eyes to look at him.

He stepped close to her, purposefully invading her personal space, until their noses were touching. He waited for a moment, and then whispered, "Nothing."

He stepped back quickly, raising a hand to pull at his hair in frustration. "Nothing. I don't feel an overwhelming desire to kiss you, I feel nothing."

Yūgao eyed him, expressionless. "I don't expect you to feel anything for me, Kakashi."

"But maybe I should," he whispered. "I think I should go."

Yūgao said nothing, simply returning her focus onto the memorial stone. Kakashi slipped off into the trees to think.

**o0o**

Kakashi was late to the Kunai Ceremony and Tsunade was pissed. She wanted to yell at Iruka, because it was supposed to be his job to make sure Kakashi did everything right, but nobody could find him either. Her anger was enhanced tenfold by the fact that Shizune had claimed that because Kakashi was visiting the competitors' homes by himself and Tsunade had nothing to do then she might as well get a head start on the paperwork that had been piling up on her desk in her absence.

When Kakashi did turn up he could feel Izumo shooting daggers at him with his eyes and wondered why the hell Iruka had felt the need to tell his 'friend with benefits' about the kiss. Then Tsunade was throwing literal daggers at him, screaming that if everyone else could be on time then so could he.

Luckily for him she only had two daggers, the blades in question being the kunai he was supposed to be handing out to his two preferred kunoichi. He weighed them in his hands unhappily. He didn't want to be handing out kunai to anyone, he wanted to be back in his lonely house all by his lonely self and not thinking about possible Hatake children and chūnin's who could kiss really well.

Kakashi sighed. He might as well get it over with. He pressed the first kunai into Yūgao's hand silently.

"Reasons," Izumo hissed, and he sounded even angrier than he usually did.

Kakashi shifted his gaze to her face. "Because I know you don't expect more than I can give you," he said heavily. "And I am thankful for that."

Kakashi paused before giving out the second kunai. He needed to send Temari home or Gaara might sand-suffocate him in his sleep, but he could see that Hinata was starting to get worried that he actually would choose her. He handed the weapon to Temari. He could deal with Gaara later.

Izumo coughed behind him. "Explain…"

He didn't know how. He couldn't say that she was just the better of two bad options. Kakashi suddenly felt very old and very tired. "Temari, you are a strong and dedicated kunoichi and no doubt a great asset to your village."

He turned very slowly to Hinata, who was gazing at him with thankful eyes. "Hinata, you are very beautiful, intelligent, strong and polite. I have enjoyed the last six days with you but I can't allow you to go any further because your father is" _an arrogant prick _"Not someone I could handle being related to."

It didn't feel as good as he'd thought it would, getting back at Hiashi, and he blamed it on Iruka. He didn't want this competition to end; he wanted it to not have happened in the first place. To his great surprise Hinata stepped forward and flung her arms around his waist. "Thank you, Kakashi-sensei."

"Maa, I'd like you to do one thing for me in return."

Hinata stared up at him with big eyes, slowly releasing him, slightly embarrassed by her impulsivity. "What's that?"

"I told Naruto I'd double date with him when I choose my partner, and that I'd choose someone for him too. I think you'd do nicely, hm?"

Hinata took another step back. "I-I don't know. What if he doesn't like me?"

"Then he's an idiot," Kakashi said blandly. "Look, I'm not actually giving you a choice here. If you say no I will kidnap you."

Hinata blushed and looked down at her feet. "Thank you, Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi gave a one-eyed smile that he really didn't feel. "Maa, don't mention it."

Someone tugged on his arm, hard, and he turned to see a glaring Izumo. "What did you do to Iruka?"

"Huh?" That was weird. He'd assumed that Iruka had told on him, but apparently Izumo had some other reason for being angry.

"Where is he? I haven't seen him since he left with you."

Oh. So Iruka had gone AWOL. "I don't know," Kakashi answered truthfully. "I left him on a rooftop somewhere, he should have come back by now."

Izumo narrowed his eyes. "You _what_?"

"He'd have been a third wheel if he'd come with me to talk to Yūgao because she has no family, so I told him not to bother."

"Oh." Izumo went from angry to worried in a split second. "Are you sure you didn't do anything to him? He never skives off work."

"Positive," Kakashi said with a grin, feeling incredibly guilty. From what he'd seen of Iruka this week he didn't think a kiss could have that much impact on him, the man seemed to bounce right back from any issue you threw at him. "He'll probably be back to work tomorrow morning."

"Okay," Izumo said quietly, but he didn't seem convinced at all. "I'll see you later then, I guess."

"Ja ne," Kakashi said brightly, pretending his chest didn't feel like it was shattering from the inside.

**o0o**

_Uh, I replied to some reviews and not others depending on how tired and lazy I was when I got the e-mail. So I just want to say I appreciate all of them and it makes my day to get 'em._

_And Nevi: there's your kiss, since you so desperately wanted one. Don't be too hard on Kakashi, guys. He's not intentionally an asshole (well, not most of the time anyway)._


	7. Chapter 7

**Day Seven (plus the evening of the sixth): The Final**

Kakashi sat on his futon absentmindedly scratching Pakkun behind his ears. The rest of the pack had mysteriously disappeared after what he dubbed 'the Turkey Incident' either out of guilt or fear of retribution, he was unsure which. Pakkun, however, had stuck around, because he was incredibly stubborn and believed himself to be above being punished.

It was kind of comforting having the little dog around, Kakashi thought, so long as he didn't open his big mouth. He'd found himself unable to sleep, because tomorrow he'd have to make what might be the most important decision of his life. He didn't want to get married. He didn't want to have children. He didn't want to share his life with anyone, period. Kakashi had lived by himself in his childhood home since he was eight years old. Having someone else's stuff around for him to trip over would be terrible, and what if they decided they wanted to use the entire house, to open up all of the barred doors and make space for the baby?

Kakashi only used two rooms in the house. His bedroom and the main bathroom. He still slept in a single bed in the room he'd grown up in, unwilling and almost afraid to move to the more spacious master bedroom his parents had shared. Too many memories.

"What did you do to Iruka-sensei?" Pakkun asked, finally breaking the silence with the question Kakashi had been dreading. Across the room Iruka's bed was neatly made, his student's homework in a neat pile at the foot of it and his pajamas folded tidily on his pillow. He hadn't been back all day, but Kakashi could feel his chakra now. The chūnin was sitting on the roof, and Kakashi wondered if he was waiting for him to go to sleep before he came inside.

"I kissed him," Kakashi said, the truth feeling strange in his mouth, almost like a lie for some reason.

Pakkun pondered that for a bit. "You kissed him and then what? You must have done something or else he'd be in your bed, not on the roof."

Ah, so Pakkun could feel the melancholy wisps of chakra too. "I ran away," he said quietly, feeling like the worst kind of coward. It had seemed like the only thing to do at the time, but… he really could have handled it better. Except that if he'd stayed he probably wouldn't have been able to stop himself from stealing another kiss, and another, and another…

Pakkun snorted. "Baka," he said fondly, "Even I know that's the worst thing you could do."

Kakashi ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes, sighing heavily. "It doesn't matter, really. He's not someone I can choose. Yūgao and I will have a powerful child."

"A powerful child who will grow up in a loveless home," Pakkun said dryly. "Do you really want that?"

"Do I have a choice? Even if Yūgao and I are not attracted to each other she can give me a child, and Iruka cannot. The child is the clincher."

Pakkun rolled his eyes, trotting over to Kakashi's backpack and pulling out the mission scroll, tossing it into his master's lap. "Read it."

Kakashi stared at the parchment in his hands miserably. This single piece of paper was the sole reason he hated his life right now. He tossed it across the room. "I don't want it."

Pakkun growled and brought it back to him. "I'm not a dumb dog, I didn't give it to you to play fetch. Just read the damn thing."

Kakashi scowled and broke the seal on the scroll. He hadn't actually looked at it seeing as he'd already been briefed on what he was supposed to do, and he hadn't wanted to torture himself more than was absolutely necessary. "Hatake Kakashi," he read aloud in a bored voice, "Is to spend a week (seven days) in the Uchiha Compound for the purpose of finding himself a suitable partner. He will have eight women to choose from, and one or two will be eliminated each day in a style similar to that of television show 'The Bachelor' until he makes his final decision." He paused. "That's all it says."

Pakkun gave him a doggy grin. "So technically Iruka-sensei is a viable option."

"It doesn't matter if it doesn't say anything about children in this scroll, my next mission will be to have a child," Kakashi pointed out.

"The child doesn't necessarily have to be related to your mate though, does it?" Pakkun asked. "And you know that Iruka-sensei is practically cut out to be a parent."

"The Elders would hate it," Kakashi said stubbornly. "They'd do their best to have the child taken away and then it'd be raised by them as a weapon."

"I thought you didn't want a child?"

"I don't, but if I did have one I would not allow it to be raised in the same way as I was."

"Iruka-sensei would fight it."

"Shut up Pakkun," Kakashi whispered fiercely. "I _do not_ want to talk about this any more, and I don't want to think. I just want to go to sleep."

Pakkun eyed him contemplatively. "I'll leave you alone if you promise me you'll go up there and talk to him."

"I doubt he wants to talk to me," Kakashi said after a short silence.

"Promise?" Pakkun repeated.

Kakashi closed his eyes. "Yes, alright? Now go."

"I'll know if you don't do it," Pakkun threatened, and disappeared with an audible pop.

**o0o**

Iruka was lying on his back with his arms folded behind his head, staring at the sky. He didn't move or show any indication that he knew Kakashi was there even though there was no way he could not know. Kakashi sat down awkwardly beside him, but not too close, and looked up as well. The night air was warm and still, and there were very few clouds to block his view of the stars. The moon was nearly full, and Kakashi's inner genius informed him it was a waxing gibbous. He didn't particularly care for that information, focusing instead on using it's light to stare at Iruka while pretending not to.

Eventually he let his eyes roam over what he could see of the compound from his perch on the rooftop, the Uchiha fan symbols glowing ghostlike in the courtyards and on the doors of shops. He hated that symbol. It was the symbol of his failure. Carefully he untied the black material that covered his left eye and let it fall, closing his right and allowing Obito to look out at what had become of his once proud clan.

Obito hadn't been a proper Uchiha, not in spirit. In fact, Kakashi himself would probably have made a better Uchiha. They prided themselves on genius, and Obito had been anything but. He was, in his bumbling way, much more kin to Naruto and Iruka than the likes of Sasuke and Itachi. Kakashi almost laughed. Yes, Obito would find it highly amusing that the man he desired had similar qualities to the boy he'd once insulted and looked down on.

He didn't know how long he'd been there before Iruka gave a barely audible sigh. "Kakashi-san," he said quietly, not looking at him, "What do you want from me?"

What did he want? He didn't even know the answer to that himself. "I shouldn't have kissed you," he mumbled, surprising himself. Hatake Kakashi did _not_ mumble.

Iruka gave a short laugh that was halfway between amusement and breaking down completely. "Is that supposed to be an apology, or are you trying to tell me to forget about it and pretend it never happened?"

Kakashi scratched the back of his head and looked down at the tile between his feet. It was difficult to get all of his thoughts into some semblance of order when he was feeling so unbalanced. "I'm supposed to find a wife tomorrow," he said softly. "I don't want a wife, I don't even want a girlfriend. And I don't want a child, either."

Iruka glanced over at his despondent form for the first time. "I suppose what you're trying to say is that you feel bad for kissing me because you knew that you were going to have to choose someone else tomorrow?"

"I couldn't help myself," Kakashi said. His stomach felt like it was folding in on itself, tightly and painfully. The only other person who'd been able to read him this well was his Sensei, and Minato had known him since before he could talk.

Iruka smiled, but there was a sad edge to it. "It's alright. I promise I won't tell anyone about it."

"Thank you." He figured that if Izumo ever found out about that he'd be ripped to shreds, jōnin or no. Not to mention what Naruto would do to him.

"It's pretty up here," Iruka said softly, his eyes back on the stars. "Where I live it's dangerous to lie on the rooftops at night because so many jōnin run through the area."

"I hate it," Kakashi blurted.

"You hate it?" Iruka said, turning his head to study him. "How can you hate something so beautiful?"

"Being here, I mean," Kakashi corrected. "I can see the stars from my own house. Uchihas remind me of my own stupidity and failure."

"Oh." Iruka was silent for a long time, just looking at him. "It's not your fault," he said eventually, "What happened with Sasuke. I think, if you're going to look at it that way, then all of us are a little to blame."

"I was his teacher. He was entrusted to me," Kakashi said hollowly. "He was so much like me that I thought I knew how to deal with his problems. I was arrogant."

Iruka's eyes looked sad. "Don't forget that I was also his teacher. I didn't see his internal strife simply because I wasn't looking, because I could only see Naruto's pain. I should have guessed it, though, given that I also became abruptly parentless when I was young. But I don't think anyone would ever have been able to make him change his mind." He gave a small smile. "If Naruto can't do it, then nobody can."

A lonely tear tracked itself from Obito's eye down the side of Kakashi's face. He scrubbed at it angrily with the back of his hand. "I was never really cut out to be a teacher."

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself," Iruka scolded gently. "Naruto complains about you all the time, but when I was teaching him he used to complain about me, too." He smiled fondly. "_To_ me. He says a lot of things that I always assumed came from you, because he'd never be able to come up with it himself. 'Those that break the rules and regulations are scum. But those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum' – are those your words?"

Kakashi stared at the Uchiha fan carved into the wall of the building across the street. "Not my words, no." His left eye twitched, and he thought he could hear Obito laughing. "Do you know how I got this eye?" he asked, touching the cheek below his sharingan lightly.

If Iruka was surprised at the change in subject he didn't show it. "No. Naruto asked me about it once, though, and I said he should ask you."

"I should have died when I was thirteen years old," Kakashi said. He hadn't told this story to anyone, save the Sandaime when he had to report back after the mission. "I'd just become a jōnin, and I thought I was untouchable. Unbeatable. Unfortunately wisdom comes with experience, not with rank, and it took me a while to learn that. My teammates detested me, and rightfully so. I was a haughty bastard. But even though he didn't like me Obito saved my life, giving up his own life and his eye for me. Those were his words, not mine."

"You feel guilty, don't you? That you lived while he didn't."

"He was a good person, a lot like Naruto. When I die, he will yell at me and tell me I wasted the life he gave me. He'd be right," Kakashi said.

"He would have died anyway, you realize that don't you?" Iruka asked. "In the Uchiha massacre."

Kakashi frowned. He'd never actually connected the two events in his mind, but it was true. "Maybe so. But at least then he'd have had time to do the things he'd always wanted to, and tell Rin how he felt about her."

Iruka gazed back up at the sky and fixed his eyes on the moon. "You need to stop thinking about the past because you cannot change it, only learn from it. When you have a child you'll be shaping part of the future, and you can change your child's life for the better."

Kakashi closed his eyes tightly. He didn't want to think about having children because having children meant not having Iruka, and he wanted Iruka more than he'd ever wanted anything in his life. "I don't want my child to grow up to be like me."

"Why not?" Iruka asked, and he seemed to genuinely be asking. "You're not a bad person, Kakashi. It take a little bit of work to understand you, but I think it's worth it to try." He stood up slowly, yawning. "I think I'm going to go to bed now. Are you coming?"

At first Kakashi's overworked brain thought the chūnin was inviting him to share his bed but before he embarrassed himself by jumping his bones he realized that he just meant to go to sleep in general. He was inordinately disappointed by it.

**o0o**

Kakashi still couldn't sleep, although he could feel tiredness right down to his bones. Instead he watched Iruka, who was curled on his side, his chest rising and falling with the long slow breaths of one immersed in deep slumber. His hair fell over his face in soft waves, and Kakashi wanted to touch it, just once. After tomorrow he'd never be allowed to.

He blamed his over-tired brain for the fact that he found himself crouched down beside Iruka's head, pushing his hair back behind his ear with a finger, watching as it slipped back over his face, and then pushing it back again. He felt guilty and adrenaline-high, as if he was masturbating in a place where he could get caught any second.

His eye travelled the length of Iruka's body under the blanket. He really shouldn't, he knew that, but Iruka just looked so warm and comfortable. He wouldn't stay long, he promised himself, he just wanted to steal a little bit of heat. Smiling happily to himself, Kakashi stepped over Iruka and lay down beside him on top of the covers, his nose in the dark strands of Iruka's peachy-smelling hair. Iruka mumbled something in his sleep and arched back against him, his bottom fitting perfectly into the curve of Kakashi's hips.

Kakashi's eyes fluttered shut. _Just for a little while_, he thought.

**o0o**

When Kakashi woke up his chest was warm and his back was cold, which was weird because he usually slept on his back. As he woke up further he realized it was because he was pressed against someone else, which was even weirder because he never stayed with anyone for more than half an hour post-sex. He woke up properly when the person yawned, rolled over and said sleepily, "What're you doing, Kak-shi?"

He didn't have an excuse, because he couldn't remember why he was in the chūnin's bed in the first place. And who could make up anything even half-believable with those adorably sleepy brown eyes blinking at them?

"Doesn' matter," the chūnin answered for him, leaning forward and brushing his lips against Kakashi's through the mask before snuggling closer. His eyes fell shut again, and he slurred something that, to Kakashi's shocked mind, sounded suspiciously like "Love you."

Kakashi lay very, very still. As nice as it was to have Iruka cuddle into him, he couldn't stay here. If Iruka found him here when he woke up properly he would be in some serious hot water. But if he managed to get away Iruka would probably just think it was a dream, which was a far preferable situation.

Iruka nuzzled into his neck and drooled on the shoulder of his 'Eternal Rival' shirt, mumbling something about onsens. How was he supposed to want to move away when the damned man insisted on being so adorable? And after tonight he wouldn't be allowed to do this any more, when he was in a serious relationship with Yūgao. He suddenly felt very heavy, and he pretended not to hear the tiny noise of protest Iruka made as he dragged himself away.

Kakashi flopped down on his cold, Iruka-less futon. He really shouldn't have kissed Iruka, if only for the younger man's sake and not his own. For some absurd reason Iruka seemed to like him, and it was cruel of him to do something like that when they really had no chance of being together. _Are you sure about that?_ a little voice in his head asked. _The mission parameters don't actually forbid it. _Kakashi scowled and kicked the voice to the back of his mind. _Leave me alone,_ he thought back viciously, _I'm going to sleep._

Sleep didn't come for a long time though, and when it did he had strange dreams about dark skinned children with silver hair and deep brown eyes.

**o0o**

"Kakashi-san, you need to get up."

Kakashi didn't want to get up. His bed was warm and as soon as he got up he'd have to face the day, and this day was one he'd rather not live through. He kept his eyes tightly closed. If he just slept through today and woke up tomorrow everything would be fine again.

"I know you're awake."

"You can't prove it," he muttered. He was looking forward to the time when he'd have his own room again. And then he realized he would never have his own room again, or his own bed. He rolled over and buried his face in his pillow. _I'm going to have to take loads of missions just to get some proper rest._

"Don't be such a baby," Iruka chided, and kicked him in the shin.

"Ow." His eyes flew open and he glared. "What was that for?"

Iruka smiled smugly. "See, I told you you were awake."

"_I_ already knew I was awake," Kakashi said haughtily, and then was distracted by the tray in Iruka's left hand. "What's that?"

"Oh, this?" Iruka hoisted the tray higher in the air. "I made soup for breakfast because I was cold. I was going to give you some, but seeing as you're not being very nice I might change my mind."

"What kind of soup?" Kakashi asked suspiciously.

"Miso soup with eggplant," Iruka said carelessly.

Kakashi immediately sat up. "Give me."

Iruka raised an eyebrow. "No."

Kakashi pushed out his bottom lip in his best imitation of a pout. "Why not?"

"First off, making that face while you're wearing a mask makes you look mildly retarded," Iruka said. "And second, you're being rude. I might as well just eat it myself."

"But it's my _favourite,_" Kakashi whined, and then sat still in shock. Since when did he ever whine? Since never, that's when. Iruka was making him lose all sense of propriety, somehow. He wasn't sure he liked it.

Iruka didn't seem too bothered by it though. "Is it really your favourite?" he asked.

"Yes," he said quietly. "It is." He didn't know how Iruka had chosen to make his favourite food out of everything he could have picked, but the man had done it and that just made his situation even harder.

Iruka, sensing the dramatic change in mood, laid the tray down on his knees. "You can have it," he said softly.

Kakashi did his best to swallow around the huge lump that was blocking his throat. "Thank you, Iruka-sensei."

"It was no problem, Kakashi-san," Iruka said, giving a partial bow and then scurrying back to his side of the room to busy himself doing something with his bags.

Kakashi wondered about that but didn't have much time to ponder as Izumo let himself into the room and flung himself on Iruka. "You're back," he said breathlessly. Kakashi felt uncomfortably like a third wheel.

"I didn't really go anywhere, 'Zumo," Iruka said soothingly, hugging the older chūnin back lightly. To Kakashi's experienced ear he sounded embarrassed.

"Like hell you didn't," Izumo said angrily. "You didn't come back with Kakashi-san and then whenever you did come back you didn't tell me, you just left me to worry all night. I couldn't sleep."

"I'm sorry 'Zumo," Iruka said quietly, kissing his forehead, "I didn't mean for you to worry. I just had some things I needed to sort out, that's all."

Kakashi tried the soup and pretended he couldn't hear anything, even though Izumo was being unnaturally loud. He felt like he was eavesdropping on a private conversation.

"You could have come to me to talk about whatever it was." Izumo sounded hurt.

"It was something I needed to figure out on my own," Iruka explained.

Izumo frowned. "What was it?"

"I was just -" Iruka tightened his hold on the back of Izumo's shirt, buried his face in his neck and whispered, "Trying to put childish crushes behind me."

Izumo stared wide-eyed at Kakashi. Kakashi stared at the soup and pretended he was deaf and blind, because the sight of Iruka clinging to Izumo was making his blood boil. It was very good soup, he decided, the best he'd ever tasted, actually. It deserved all of his attention.

"Did it work?" Izumo asked quietly, hesitantly, and Kakashi couldn't stop his eyes from leaving the bowl and staring sidelong at Iruka to see his answer. He couldn't deny the relief he felt when he saw that slight shake of the head.

Iruka hugged Izumo tighter for a long moment, and then stepped back, pulling himself together quickly. "I'm fine, really. Don't worry about me." He smiled shakily. "The one you should be worried about is the girl who has to marry Kakashi-san."

Izumo was looking at him again. Kakashi finished the soup. "Maa, shouldn't you be more worried for me? The kunoichi _chose_ to be in this competition, after all."

Iruka stared at him, alarmed, as if he'd forgotten he was even in the room. Kakashi smiled at him, closing his eye out of habit. "You're good at making soup, Iruka-sensei."

"Thank you," Iruka said quietly. "I think I'll have a shower now." He seemed to rally all his strength to look Kakashi in the eye and smile. "Kakashi-san, you need to wear formal clothing today."

Kakashi nodded. Well, that just made everything even more fun. Not only was he going to have to choose a woman to spend the rest of his life with he had to do it in his father's kimono, which had been in storage for years and brought back painful memories for him. He walked over to his bag slowly after Iruka had disappeared into the bathroom and Izumo offered some poor excuse about needing to set things up before turning tail and fleeing.

He fingered the soft dark material of the kimono and let himself wonder what his father would have thought about his current situation. _He'd probably tell me to stop being such a pansy and go after the person I want,_ he thought. _Follow my heart and not the rules. Even though in the end that's the thing that killed him. _Kakashi laughed aloud at the irony, though it wasn't particularly funny.

He had never actually worn anything so formal before, having spent the majority of his life existing in shinobi uniform, but he did remember watching his father putting it on more than once. Whenever Hatake Sakumo had gotten dressed up he'd taken his hair out of its low ponytail and allowed a young Kakashi to brush it, telling him that his mother had always preferred it that way and used to spend longer playing with his hair than her own. The only memories Kakashi had of his mother were of laughing eyes, dancing lips and unadulterated warmth.

He stared at the clothing laid out on the floor. _Alright. So I have three dress-things and two – no three – belt-type things. So I'm guessing I have a belt per dress. _He frowned. _Which one do I put on first?_

He was still frowning at the floor ten minutes later when Iruka came out of the shower, drying his hair with a towel. "Kakashi-san, are you alright?"

Kakashi turned to look at him and felt stupid. Iruka was wearing the dark purple kimono he'd picked out on the first day of the competition with the biggest belt type thing tied in a fancy way around his waist. "I don't know how to do this," he said quietly, slightly annoyed at having to admit to his lack of knowledge.

"Oh," Iruka said, walking over to what he had laid out on the ground. "Well, at least you have everything you need. This," he pointed to the first in the pile, "Is called hadajuban. It's like underwear, but kind of loose so you might want to wear normal underwear underneath it. The next one is called nagajuban and it's simply to stop you from getting bodily oils onto the kimono itself. Those two koshihimo belt around that one to keep it in place." He pointed to the two thin belts. "Got that?"

"I think so." Kakashi looked dubiously at the clothing. He wasn't looking forward to putting it on.

"I'll wait outside for a bit and then help you with the obi, okay?"

Kakashi was inclined to say that he didn't need any help, thank you very much, except that he didn't even know what Iruka was talking about when he said 'obi'. He nodded reluctantly and Iruka breezed past him, closing the door after himself with a soft click.

"Now it's just you and me," Kakashi muttered to the clothes. He took off his sleeping shirt and pants and picked up the first dress Iruka had pointed to gingerly. He slipped it over his shoulders and poked his arms through the sleeves. It smelled like dust and he felt like he was wearing a sack. _Oh well._ He shrugged his shoulders mentally. _It's only for a day, right?_

He pulled the second one over his head, then stared at the belts. Why did he need two, and for that matter where was he supposed to put them? He considered tying one around each arm just to annoy Iruka but then realized he wasn't capable of tying a knot one handed unless he put a lot of energy into it so he scratched that idea. He could call out to ask Iruka for help, but he wasn't that pitiful. He picked up one of the belts and it fell open as he did so. Kakashi stared at it. _Why is it so long? My waist isn't that big._

He shrugged and wrapped it around his waist twice, tying it with a large sloppy bow over his left hip. He took the other one and did the same, this time tying the bow over his right hip. _Now what?_ He was too impatient to wait for Iruka so he slipped the kimono over the top and held it closed. Looking in the mirror showed him that he now looked like he had cancerous growths spouting from his hips. Kakashi frowned. Tsunade probably wouldn't like that.

When Iruka walked back in he burst out laughing. Kakashi scowled at him. "Aren't my bows good enough for you?"

Iruka covered his mouth, trying to stifle his giggles. When he could talk again he said, "You're doing it all wrong."

_Thanks, Captain Obvious_, Kakashi said in his mind, but all mocking thoughts shut down when Iruka strode over and yanked his kimono open, pulling the bows apart and removing both belts from his waist. He folded the first one in half, smoothing out the wrinkles, and lined up the fold with Kakashi's navel. Iruka unfolded the koshihimo and stretched his arms around Kakashi's waist to pull both ends around his back and to the front again. Kakashi forgot to breathe.

Iruka was making some sort of complicated knot and explaining step by step what he was doing but Kakashi couldn't hear him, he was focusing solely on the face that Iruka was standing two inches away from him and had his hands on his waist. He had no idea what happened to the second belt but apparently he was already wearing it.

"Kakashi, are you listening to me?" Iruka was making a frowny face at him. He couldn't take it seriously because it was adorable.

"Where did you learn to do this?"

Iruka smiled softly. "My mother taught me. She used to love dressing up, and dressing me up. I think she originally wanted a little girl."

"It seems complicated." When Iruka spoke Kakashi could feel his breath on his neck. He didn't want Iruka to stop talking.

"Not really, once you learn it. Just be thankful you're not a girl, the rules for them are a nightmare." Iruka grabbed the larger belt-type thing and slung it over his shoulder while he pulled the sides of Kakashi's kimono closed, lifting the material slightly so it sat off the ground. "Hold for me?"

Kakashi obeyed and Iruka slipped the large belt around his waist, performing an even more complicated knot on this one. Iruka stepped back for a moment, studying his handiwork, and then shifted the belt around so the knot was at the back. "You look very nice, Kakashi-san," he said, his cheeks tinting rosily.

"So do you," Kakashi returned, his voice coming out in a kind of purr.

Iruka shivered noticeably then shook his head as if to shake away bad thoughts. "Thank you, Kakashi-san." Hurriedly he moved away, grabbing his sheaf of papers that detailed each day's activities. "You're supposed to think about whom you're going to choose," he said, his voice shaking maybe just a little, "And you can see the kunoichi if you want but you don't have to. This evening there'll be a dance and a dinner, and you pick your final woman then."

"A dance?" Kakashi felt incredibly frustrated. Why was Tsunade insisting he had to do so many things he'd never ever wanted to do before? "What kind of dance?"

"Ballroom dance, of course." Iruka watched Kakashi's blank reaction. "You don't know how to do that, do you."

Kakashi shook his head even though Iruka hadn't really been asking. Iruka took a very deep breath and said, "I can teach you, if you like."

"That would be nice," Kakashi said with a steady voice. _It will be nice if I can refrain from kissing you._ "How do you know how to dance as well?"

"I told you, my mother wanted a girl." Iruka shrugged hopelessly. "Also sometimes I teach shinobi who are going on high-class infiltration missions where they need to learn how to act like a nobleman or lady."

"You do that and teach pre-genin, and work the mission room, and feed Naruto?" Kakashi asked.

"And take missions, and run the school board, yes." Iruka nodded. "I'm not very powerful so I do a lot of little things to help the village out."

"Those aren't 'little things', Iruka-sensei."

Iruka scratched the scar on the bridge of his nose awkwardly. "Well, I – I like to help."

"When do you have time to do things for yourself?" Kakashi pressed, "Like going to the movies, catching up with friends, or going to an onsen. When do you do that sort of thing?"

Iruka blushed. "Well, I don't, usually. When I have free time it gets eaten up by Naruto, or if he's not around I get eaten up by loneliness so I usually go find someone to give me a job."

"Loneliness?" Kakashi frowned. "Iruka-sensei, why would someone like you be lonely?"

Iruka clapped a hand over his mouth and shook his head resolutely. "I'll teach you to dance only if you forget I said anything. And if you go out there without knowing how to dance you'll look like a fool."

Kakashi sighed. "I can't forget it, but I can drop it, for now."

Iruka nodded, knowing it was the best he could hope for. Kakashi wondered about it. Iruka seemed to have a lot of friends, so why would he ever be lonely? He even had a particular friend who would warm his bed whenever he fancied. It was weird, he'd never have picked that the charismatic chūnin would feel the same way as he did.

**o0o**

"Hold my right hand, and thread your fingers through mine." Kakashi didn't know how he was going to learn anything with his heart pounding this loudly. He just knew that his palms were going to get sweaty too, and then Iruka would think he was disgusting. "Put your other hand on my left shoulder blade, going underneath my arm."

He almost jumped when Iruka put his hand on his shoulder lightly, and the chūnin gave a light, breathy laugh. "Relax, this isn't difficult."

"Easy for you to say," Kakashi said, not quite snapping but grumpily enough.

Iruka just snorted. "If you can do even a simple kata then you can ballroom dance, easy. I'll teach you the waltz because it's supposedly the most romantic. It's also relatively painless to learn."

"Painless sounds good right about now," Kakashi agreed, though he didn't see how dancing with Iruka in any way could be painless.

"Okay." Iruka took a deep breath. "I'm playing the role of the woman, so that means you have to learn how to lead. That mean you have to be confident in your steps for your partner to follow, otherwise it throws both of you off."

Kakashi grinned. "Are you always the woman, Sensei?" It was just too easy.

Iruka blushed a dark red, and chose to take his comment at face value. "No, sometimes I teach kunoichi how to dance and in that case I take the man's position."

"And the man's position is what, pray tell me?" Kakashi enquired, his voice deceptively innocent.

Iruka stomped down hard on his foot. "That's what I'm trying to teach you," he hissed. "Now grow up before I walk away and leave you to fend for yourself."

"Alright, alright," Kakashi said hurriedly, tightening his grip on Iruka's hand. The last think he wanted was for Iruka to walk away.

"Okay. I'll start by teaching you the basic box step and we'll work our way up from there. Any waltz steps go in a three-step pattern. On one you lead with your left foot, so take a step forwards, and I step back."

Kakashi stepped forwards and was almost surprised when Iruka moved with him. "Good. On the two you bring your right foot forwards to where your left is and swipe it to the right in a corner-like shape."

Kakashi did as told and was rewarded with a smile. "That's right. Now on three you bring your left foot to where your right is.

"Now, you move back again with your right – that's the one – bring your left foot back in an opposite facing corner –two – then shift your right foot so you're back where you started. Got it?"

Kakashi frowned. "I think so."

"Good. Now try doing it without looking at your feet. Set your sight over my shoulder. Remember, the man has to lead."

It _was_ easier than kata, and Kakashi picked it up quickly enough once he'd gotten over the fact that he was standing so close to Iruka. "Now because that would look quite silly on the dance floor this time each time you take a step I want you to turn slightly, you have to guide me. It's still a box shape, it's just gotten larger and I guess a bit more fluid – yes, like that."

For some reason even after he'd got that part down as well Iruka didn't let go of him so he just kept following the steps, the monotonous 1-2-3 pounding in his brain. After a while he dared to slide his gaze onto Iruka's face and to his surprise found that he was smiling, his eyes closed. He was analyzing the way the dark lashes fluttered against the chūnin's smooth, mocha-coloured skin so he almost didn't notice when Iruka pulled him closer, narrowing the gap between them almost to the point where his head was resting on Kakashi's shoulder.

Kakashi chuckled. "Maa, are you pretending I'm someone else, Iruka-sensei?" he teased.

Iruka's eyes flew open at the sound and he pulled away from Kakashi abruptly, a horrified expression plastered on his face. "Go-gomenesai, Kakashi-san," he stuttered, and fled.

Kakashi blinked, staring in the direction his dance partner had disappeared in. He felt quite alone, and wished he'd kept his big mouth shut for once. He couldn't help it though, Iruka was so much fun to tease because he got riled up so easily.

He wandered out of the courtyard, not quite sure where he was supposed to go. Just drifting about the empty streets of the Uchiha compound felt weird, and even if he wanted to go find Iruka he was pretty sure the man didn't want to be found. He paused under a tree covered in cherry blossoms and plucked one of the pink tinged flowers out of the air as it floated past his face. Twirling it in his fingers, he wondered how his team was doing. He hadn't seen Sakura in a long time except in passing, and she always seemed in a hurry to get somewhere. From Tsunade's offhand comments he figured she was doing well as a medic-nin and he was glad she'd finally found her niche. She'd always been in the shadow of the two boys, even if she did have the best chakra control.

Naruto was the same as ever, judging by his reaction to seeing his favourite Iruka-sensei, though he'd grown taller and stronger. He'd moved up quickly from being the kid that everybody hated to associating on nickname-based terms with two of the sannin, the most powerful shinobi in Konoha. It was sweet that he hadn't abandoned his relationship with Iruka, but Kakashi himself wasn't exactly someone he'd come to for help or even want to start a conversation with.

And Sasuke… he didn't want to think about Sasuke. Kakashi sighed and let the flower fall from his fingers. He only had himself to blame, really. He'd never been much of a mentor to the kids, or even a friend. He needed to quit feeling sorry for himself.

"Are you getting cold feet?" a quiet voice asked, and he looked up to see Yūgao watching him. She was wearing a white kimono decorated with small purple flowers and tied with a purple obi. Her hair was tied in a plait that looped around and was pinned to the back of her head with an ornamental clip. It made her look gentler than usual.

"Maa, I never had warm feet to begin with," Kakashi replied, giving her his best eye-smile.

Yūgao smiled softly. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry that you have to go through with this. But for my own sake I'm not sorry at all."

Kakashi shrugged. "It's my duty to my village, apparently."

"That's so very you, Kakashi," Yūgao said. "Don't you ever put yourself first?"

"Protecting this village is the only thing I know how to do," Kakashi said. _But how I desperately, desperately want to change that._

"Maybe you should think about finding new values," Yūgao said, staring up at the vivid storm of pink and white cherry blossoms. "I don't mean abandon the village, but take something for yourself. Having a child might change your direction in a good way."

_Take something for myself? Maybe I should. _He thought about how Iruka's entire face lit up when he was happy, and how soft his hair felt as it slipped through his fingers. "Maybe I will," he said quietly. "Thank you, Yūgao."

They stood there in silence for a while, watching the breeze swirl the cherry blossoms around on the ground, until Kakashi noticed there was a fair amount of sand mixed in with the flowers. He glanced up to see Gaara standing on the roof of the nearest building and sighed inwardly. "I have to go now, Yūgao. I'll see you tonight."

Yūgao barely nodded, her mind obviously far away. "Good luck, Kakashi."

He didn't know what the luck was supposed to be for, choosing the right partner or changing his life, but he nodded his thanks anyway, leaping onto the building slightly awkwardly and cursing his kimono.

"You're not going to marry Temari," Gaara said.

"No, I'm not," Kakashi agreed. "Haven't we already had this conversation?"

"I'm just making sure," Gaara said coolly, without blinking.

Kakashi shrugged. "I have better options. How's being Kazekage working out for you?"

"I don't think the people of my village care for me that much. Most of them would have been happy for me to be killed by the Akatsuki. Naruto would be a more… charismatic leader."

"Naruto would also put his people in danger by making decisions without thinking them through," Kakashi said wryly. "He still has quite a way to go before he can become Hokage."

Gaara dipped his head in affirmation. "At least he won't be the first jinchūriki to become a Kage."

"He'd probably see that as a negative thing," Kakashi said, smiling. "He likes to be first in everything."

"Gaara!"

Both Kakashi and Gaara turned to see Temari bounding across the rooftops towards them, her hair unbound and curling around her shoulders. "If I didn't know better," she grumbled, "I'd think you were trying to take Kakashi-san away from me."

Gaara and Kakashi stared at each other. "Your hair looks nice down," Kakashi offered, and Temari preened.

"I conditioned it three times this morning so it would be perfectly soft for you."

"Uh, thanks?" Kakashi said. Gaara stared at his sister.

"I brought this specifically to wear today too," she said, plucking at the front of her kimono. The majority of it was white but it merged into a dark purple-y black at the edges of the sleeves and at the hemline. Overtop of that was a sakura tree in full blossom.

'It is very nice," Kakashi agreed, though he couldn't really care less about clothing.

Temari blushed. "Thank you."

Kakashi didn't know what to say to the obsessive kunoichi, and Gaara's staring was beginning to get slightly freakish, so he excused himself with the defense of having many things to do to prepare for the ceremony. Temari squealed in delight, and Kakashi fought the urge to cover his ears.

"Ja ne," he said cheerfully, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

**o0o**

Kakashi spent the afternoon in the quiet solitude of the Uchiha graveyard, his back against Obito's gravestone and Icha Icha open on his lap. He'd tried reading but found it near impossible to concentrate on the words. In Icha Icha the protagonist had many women hanging off him, true, but he wasn't forced to pick one to spend the rest of his life with. Rather, he got to pick all of them and have a night (or more, if he chose) with each.

Kakashi sighed. He didn't want to live like an Icha Icha hero either, but even that would be better than the current decision he had to make. He was disturbed from his thoughts by a rustling behind him and turned to see Iruka shuffling towards him. "You need to go to the central area now for the final decision," Iruka said quietly.

Kakashi peered at him. His eyes looked a little puffy. Had he been crying? "How did you find me here?"

Iruka cracked a little smile. "I've seen you at the memorial stone a few times. I figured the only place a morbid bastard like you would be was in a cemetery."

Kakashi smiled back, though Iruka probably couldn't see it. "True enough."

"I hate cemeteries," Iruka said. "Can we get out of here?"

"What's wrong with them?" Kakashi asked. "They're so peaceful and quiet, and the dead always listen to what you've got to say without interrupting."

"They're sad," Iruka replied softly. "You can feel the sorrow of everyone who has trudged up the paths to visit people who have died, over and over again as if by continuing to visit they can somehow change the fact that the person is dead. It makes the air heavy."

"I guess." Kakashi shrugged and stood up slowly. From standing he could definitely tell that Iruka's eyes were red-rimmed. "I don't really see it that way, though. I like being alone." He tucked Icha Icha carefully into the fold of his kimono.

Iruka turned away and headed back towards the centre of the compound. "I'm sick of being alone," he said so quietly Kakashi wasn't even sure he'd heard it correctly.

**o0o**

"Welcome to the final day of The Shinobi Bachelor!" Tsunade boomed. She was standing on some sort of makeshift stage hung with fairy lights, wearing a knee length silver kimono that glittered and didn't adequately cover her bust. "Make sure you have all your bets in, because the betting booths will be closed in fifteen minutes. Who will Kakashi choose?"

Kakashi wished the earth would open up and swallow him. There was a huge gathering of villagers, mostly shinobi, all dressed in their best formal clothing huddled around the stage and talking in excited whispers. _Whoever thought up the idea to make dating a public spectacle should be shot, _he thought viciously.

"Ah, Kakashi, you're on time for once," Tsunade said happily, jumping down from the stage and dragging him towards it. "This is going to be fun."

"No it isn't," Kakashi grumbled.

"I meant fun for me," Tsunade corrected. "_You're_ not going to enjoy it."

"You can say that again," he said, and seconds later found himself in the centre of the stage. For some reason the crowd started cheering as soon as they saw him.

"Okay, Kakashi, have you made a decision? You have ten minutes to do it, but I need you to give out your final prize pretty soon after we stop taking bets," Tsunade said, as if it wasn't much of a big deal.

Kakashi nodded. Yūgao was really his only choice, but he found he didn't mind so much. He liked her well enough, and they understood each other to a certain level. They actually had pretty similar personalities, when it came down to it. Kakashi smiles wryly. Or maybe it was just that being in ANBU wiped out your personality completely and that's what they had in common. She wasn't ugly either, that was for sure. Chances were they'd produce a pretty nice looking kid, as well as a talented one. He could live with that.

"Are you ready?"

Tsunade handed him his final 'rose' which, instead of a kunai, was a finely crafted tanto with intricately carved roses on the bone handle and an engraved closed bloom at the base of the blade. It was very light, for a decorative weapon, and Kakashi thought it would be a good knife for gutting people.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please," Tsunade shouted loudly. A few of the audience continued to chat (Kakashi could have sworn one of them was a blond with bright blue eyes) so she screamed, "Silence!"

That seemed to work. In a rather deceptively calm voice Tsunade said, "Please hold your breath while Kakashi chooses his bride."

Kakashi stood up slowly, uncomfortably aware that every single eye in the silent audience was on him, holding the tanto carefully with both hands. Yūgao was sitting to the left of the stage and Temari to the right. He took a deep breath and headed left.

He stopped a couple of step away from her chair, and was annoyed to see that his hands were shaking. His father would have punished weakness like that. He gave one last cursory glance out over the crowd and froze. From all the village of Konoha dressed in their finest his eye managed to pick out one lonely person, standing a little apart from the crowd. Iruka was gnawing on the tip of his thumb, his eyes bigger and sadder than Kakashi had ever seen them.

_Take something for yourself._

Well, if there was ever a time to change his blindly following ways, then this was it. Kakashi leapt from the stage, landing a little clumsily due to the not-made-for-fighting-or-doing-anything-physical-really kimono he was wearing, and strode over to the chūnin that he felt closer to than anyone who he'd ever slept with. He stopped directly in front of him, and Iruka just blinked at him, confused and disbelieving.

Figuring something drastic was being called for, Kakashi hiked up the skirt of the kimono the best he could and knelt down on one knee. He held the tanto up and out in front of him on the flats of his palms and drawled, "Maa, Sensei, do you still want to know if I top or bottom?"

Iruka's eyes grew impossibly round, and then he pulled this thumb out of his mouth and slapped Kakashi across the face. "It's not funny anymore," he hissed. "Stop teasing me."

Kakashi was at a complete loss. Of all the answers he could have got, that was not something he'd expected. Though he really should have, given the way he'd been treating the chūnin all week. "It's not a joke," he said quietly. "I want you to be my," he paused as he searched for the right word, if he said 'wife' he had no doubt Iruka would kill him, "Boyfriend?"

Iruka blinked, and dug his teeth into his bottom lip. "But you can't choose me. I can't have children for you."

"This mission doesn't make any mention of children," Kakashi said smoothly, wondering if he'd messed up and read everything wrong. Iruka didn't seem to want to be with him.

"But… you'll need to, one day," Iruka said. He glanced around him and realized for the first time that every single person in the village was focused on him. His face turned red and he scratched his scar uncomfortably.

"Brat! You can't choose Iruka-sensei," Tsunade yelled, grabbing Kakashi by the ear and hoisting him to his feet.

"Why not?" Kakashi snarled, twisting out of her grip with practiced ease. "The mission parameters told me to find my soul mate. I did. And now you have a problem with that?"

"But nobody bet on Iruka," Tsunade said angrily, "You're messing with my gambling!"

Without warning a piece of paper pierced with a senbon flew through the air and thunked into the wood of the stage beside Kakashi's head where it stuck, quivering gently. "I beg to differ," a smirking voice said, and the crowd turned to stare at Shiranui Genma. Kakashi almost rolled his eyes. Of course that loudmouth would be in charge of the bets and have to make a great show of everything.

Genma nodded to the paper. "Take a look."

Tsunade slid the paper off the senbon – careful not to touch it, because who knew what germs Genma carried – and read it aloud. "Bet on Umino Iruka, 3,850 yen." She paused. "Kamizuki Izumo."

The crowd stayed silent, almost afraid to breathe. "Well, Iruka-sensei," Tsunade said slowly, "Are you going to answer him?"

Iruka looked like he was either going to burst into tears or spontaneously self-combust. Kakashi watched him hopefully. "I…" He stepped forward nervously and threw his arms around Kakashi's neck, nearly impaling himself on the tanto in the process, nodding into his shoulder. "Yes. Yes, if you will take me."

Kakashi slipped the blade underneath the back of Iruka's obi and hugged him back, breathing in the peach of Iruka's hair and the vanilla of his skin and pretending he couldn't feel the wetness on his shoulder. "Of course I'll take you," he whispered. "But you have to take me too."

_Fin._

_-Small Omake-Type Thing-_

Tsunade sat in her chair sipping sake out of a teacup and chuckling to herself. Kakashi was always full of surprises, but she hadn't expected him to go that far out of convention. The Elders were going to be spitting mad when they found out and it wouldn't be a fun time for Kakashi, Iruka or herself, but still. _Iruka will make the brat happy_, she thought, smiling. _They'll drive each other up the wall, but they should be able to work it out without too many casualties._

She took another sip of sake, swilling it around in her mouth for optimum flavour, and considered. "Hey Shiranui," she called.

Genma sauntered over lazily. "What can I do for you?" he said around his trademark senbon, flicking it up and down as he talked.

"What exactly were the odds on Iruka winning the competition?" she asked curiously.

"Er." Genma shifted from one foot to the other nervously. "I had to make something up when he asked so I said one hundred to one?" he said quickly, looking anywhere but at her face.

Tsunade's shout could be heard all the way across Fire Country as she sprayed sake all over her desk and one quivering tokubetsu jōnin. "You said _what?"_

**o0o**

_Izumo's bet translates to about $50 American, so he'd be winning roughly $5,000._

_Yay! This is the end. Thank you guys for sticking with me this far, and please review. I've decided to be casually optimistic and say I'll write a one-shot for the person who gives me the 100__th__ review. It's a win-win for me: Either I get lots of reviews or I don't have to write._

_There will be a sequel, so watch out for that if you're interested. It will be rated M and have the sexy things and swearing (I can't help myself) that's not in this fic though, so be warned. I'll probably start it sometime after I finish Hound's Release, which I want to get done by Christmas. So until next time, ja ne!_

_P.S. I just managed to write 60,000 plus words in a month and complete a story. Feck yeah!_


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